A Quiet Moment of Reflection

In this blog, I've written about a lot of crazy stuff that has happened to me. I don't often write about little things that have had a lot of impact, but this happens to be one of those times.

In 2001, I was hanging out at Lestat's with Fraz and a couple of her friends. Jesd was a woman who was a little younger than us and Esd was a man a little older. I knew them fairly well from the barbecue events that Fraz would occasionally organize at her home. (And there was one at Jesd's home.) I don't recall if Fraz invited me to come to Lestat's or if they were there when I happened to come one evening. (I only lived a few blocks away. I went there A LOT!)

For the most part, the conversation centered around discussing scandalous situations involving celebrities. I refrained from getting too involved and just listened to the three of them go on and on about people we didn't know. I honestly didn't have anything better to do that moment.

All of a sudden, Esd said, "Hey, do you know what my HIV counselor told me today? He said that half of the gay men in San Diego are HIV positive!" I immediately thought, "Oh, wow! We're talking about something really interesting. This is a topic that really matters!"

And then I started thinking back to when I was in college. At the time, I didn't think I was a different person than I was in high school. I hadn't felt like I had changed that much in my attitude or in the way I thought about people. Because of this, I figured I was always going to be the same person. Everything else around me would change, but I would remain just as I am, just as I was and just as I would be.

I realized that if the person I was 15 years earlier had been sitting at a table with someone who indicated he had HIV or AIDS, I would have stood up and walked away. Not only was I ignorant about the disease, but I was still homophobic. I was aware that several of the male students I considered friends back then were likely gay, but as long as they didn't talk about that aspect of their lives, I could deal with them as if they were straight. I did not want them to confirm my suspicions. But they never knew this was going on in my head. They probably thought I was cool with it. I wasn't. I should be thankful that they were probably a little scared to discuss that, but it stinks that, because of people like me, they didn't feel like they could be completely honest with their friends or themselves.

So yes, I had changed. I was now comfortable being around LGBTQ people without being concerned about me reacting in a negative way. I had learned to accept people for who they were, regardless of their sexual orientation. I looked forward to hearing more about this HIV revelation and how it was going to impact Esd.

And then they went right back to dishing dirt on celebrities. DAMN!