For the time being, I am writing my blog again. When I started up at the beginning of the year, I had hoped that I would have been able to get through a few months before I took another break. But there was a major change in my life that took place during that time.
My Mom passed away.
She had been recovering from a hernia surgery. However, there were complications and she had to be incubated and put in the Intensive Care Unit at the hospital in Las Cruces, NM. Her husband Dend tried his best to be optimistic about the outcome, but eventually, she had to be taken off the ventilator and she died soon after that.
I did get a chance to go see her one last time in the hospital. It wasn't a good visit because she wasn't able to communicate with me. I'm not going to go into full detail about my experience, but I'm glad I did go. I know I would have regretted not taking advantage of that opportunity. Even Loyd chastised me somewhat for not making any solid plans to come until after she died. If Dend had been more pessimistic about her recovery, I probably would have made an effort to see her while she could still talk. But I don't regret waiting.
This is likely going to impact how I write my blog. For the first few years after I began posting, Mom didn't know about the blog because I wasn't friends with her on Facebook. When I decided to send the friend request, I forgot about the material I was posting. She and her husband took great offense at some of the articles, so I had to write to avoid areas she was sensitive about. (And if it was something I absolutely had to write about and didn't want her to read it, I would exclude her, Dend and Aunt Cind from the Facebook postings.)
The hardest part is getting used to the fact that I don't need to go shopping for Mother's Day cards or birthday cards for her. I had to go through the same situation with my father when he died. I still think I need to get him cards from me and Boyd. Then I suddenly remember that I no longer have to do that and it makes me sad for a moment.
I knew the day was going to come that I would not have my parents around to help guide me in certain areas of my life. I wasn't expecting it this soon. My great-grandmother lived to be 96. Grandma Bend lived to be 88. I was expecting Mom to live at least that long. Even she thought she had more time. It was her goal to live long enough to see her grandson graduate from college.
The worst part of this is that she never became the grandmother she wanted to be. The distance between California and New Mexico kept us from seeing each other more often. The first year of Boyd's life, she and Dend were able to come out about three times. After that, Dend lost his job and they couldn't afford to come out as much as they wanted. And because of our work responsibilities, we couldn't go out there more than once a year. She also never got to spend alone time with Boyd. I remember several occasions when my brother and I would stay with our grandparents for days at a time without Mom and Dad around.
My biggest concern is how Boyd will remember her. He barely remembers his grandfather. I hope he can recall how he used to video chat with her once a week before she went into the hospital. Mom always expressed fear that Boyd wouldn't consider her an important part of his life. I'll do what I can to keep his memories of her alive and as long as he continues to connect with Dend as Granddad, that shouldn't be an issue.
One of my biggest fears growing up was worrying about how my parents would be taken care of once they had become unable to take care of themselves. Mom said she never wanted to go into a nursing home. A part of me is relieved that I won't have to deal with that situation, but it still hurts every day knowing they're not around for me to worry about.
As for the future of this blog, I'll probably have a few periods here and there in which I'll post for a few days in a row and then take frequent breaks until I build up a cache of articles that can be posted consecutively.
For the time being, expect a few posts for the next few days. Then there may be silence for a while. You'll just have to wonder where I am from time to time.
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