With this post, I'm going to look deep into what I consider the darkest period of my life, which is the first five months of 1993, when Chez and Joad lived with me in San Diego. It irritates me that I couldn't make sense of everything that was going on at the time (although I was able to attain some insight into what was happening with Chez during that period).
I guess the biggest issue was that we both had different ideas of what our lives were going to be like together. I expected her to be my companion in life. She expected me to do all the work related to raising Joad and she wouldn't have to lift a finger. When it became apparent early on that our expectations were never going to come close to reality, that was when the friction started.
Honestly, I was expecting the first few weeks to be like a kind of honeymoon for us (without the sex). We certainly had that the first night in the motel when we were driving through Arizona. I do wonder if I had gone ahead and made love with her that night if that would have been enough to keep the affection alive in our relationship. But I know I would have gotten very anxious and may not have been able to perform. She would have taken this as a form of rejection and I still would have ended up getting the cold shoulder from her as soon as we'd arrived in San Diego.
One of the main issues was that she made no effort to leave the house and make friends. She was frequently talking about all the good times she had with her friends in Roswell. (Oddly enough, virtually every story ended with someone getting arrested for something.) For her social needs, all she had was the telephone. All of the other people in the apartment complex were older, so she couldn't really make any friends there. She only ever had contact with the woman who lived next door. If Chez started yelling at Joad because he was crying, the neighbor would yell at Chez to keep quiet and Chez would yell back at her even louder and call her the b-word.
However, I don't think having connections with other people would have improved her attitude toward me. I was on the receiving end of so much of her rage. I later figured out that all the anger she unleashed on me was what she longed to do to Road when they were together. If she yelled at Road, he'd likely respond by slapping her upside her head. Knowing that this was going to happen probably forced her to keep from saying certain things out loud. For those times when she couldn't hold it in, she knew what was coming and would be prepared for it. Since she knew I would never, ever hit her, she didn't need to put any kind of filter in place and just let it all come out. All I could do was talk back to her, and if I did that, it made her even more mad. I think that she was only ever used to was being treated like crap by all the men in her life. When I didn't do that at first, she couldn't handle it. But if I stood up for myself when she was hurling insults my way, it seemed as if I was treating her like crap, like everybody else in her life.
But she did love me. And I don't think she liked being away from her family and friends because of her deep-rooted feelings for me. It was almost like I wasn't worth the sacrifice. I believe she really wanted to stop loving me. So much so, that she had to hurt me to make that happen. She wanted to hate me as much as she hated Road. She was probably hoping that if I called her the b-word or hit her, my spell over her would be broken and she could move on with her life. And when I didn't do that, it frustrated her even more because it meant she had to stay in love with me.
There was something that started to bother me after awhile. It was after I thought things over that I came to the conclusion that she was taking all the frustration and anger that she had for Road out on me, to the point that it became close to being physically abusive. I thought, "Wait, haven't the caseworkers at the battered women's shelter seen this hundreds of times? Cases in which the victim would start attacking loved ones who were trying to help her?" I remembered that during that entire month she was there, not one person from the shelter contacted me. They had my phone number. They should have warned me that something like this could happen and recommend I try to get her to seek professional help. Now, I'll admit I probably would have blown them off and told them Chez was going to be okay. But when all that bad stuff started going down, I would have gone, "Ohhhhhhh, this was what they were talking about." And I would have tried to get her help. And if she didn't listen to me, I could have gotten Kijd to talk her into going.
I think the reason they didn't tell me is because they were afraid I was going to back out of the deal after they shot up the red flags. All they were interested in was getting her out of the shelter so that they could accommodate the next victim that would be coming in. They should have taken that risk, and because they didn't, the state of Chez' mental health quickly deteriorated. And as caring as Kijd claimed she tried to be with her clients, she clearly didn't do enough.
And of course, that whole thing with Chez and Kijd. Essentially, she fell in love with her and had If I'd known that was going to happen, I would have run down to New Mexico right away to get Chez and Joad. That probably damaged our relationship more than Chez trying to punch me in the face. Chez felt like Kijd had stabbed her in the heart, so she had to stab me in my heart in return. Basically, I was taking punishment intended for two separate people.
But really, the one person to blame for all this is me. I saw all the red flags that indicated this was not going to work out and I chose to ignore them. When I look back on everything that happened, I wished I had placed a personal wager while I was driving from San Diego to Clovis to pick her up. As I mentioned before, I was anticipating a big hug from her when I first saw her. That didn't happen and I started having doubts. I should have said to myself, "If she gives me a big hug right away, everything's going to be okay. If she doesn't, turn around and leave." This would have been a good time to possess the Chalk of Destiny.
This isn't the end. There will be more tomorrow.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Pretend Marriage #1: Chez, Part 8
For most of the time that Chez, Joad and I were living together, we didn't worry much about Road. But that didn't mean he was completely out of mind. Chez told me that one day, she was looking around the apartment and thought to herself, "I'd better clean this up before Road gets home." She found this thought very disturbing.
About a month after I'd brought them over, we found out that Road had been arrested for stealing some tools and was serving three months in jail. That really took the pressure off. After he got out of jail, we'd heard that he told someone that he thought Chez and Joad were in Clovis. Chez hoped that he wasn't going to go up there and harass her mother and other family members.
There was also another matter weighing heavily on Chez' mind. Her half-brother, who had raped her when she was 14, was going to be getting out of prison within the next year, following the completion of the seven-year sentence he received in a plea deal. She was afraid of what he was going to do once he got out. From my perspective, it seemed like the best thing for her was to just stay in San Diego with me so that her chances of accidentally running into these two dangerous elements would be a lot less likely.
Late in May, we heard that Road found out they had come to San Diego. Apparently, Chez' sister Kiz told someone he knew where they were and it didn't take long for the news to reach him. He was threatening to come out, kill me, kill Chez and take his son back. While the prospect of him actually committing murder was unlikely, Chez was worried that he was really going to come out and cause her a bunch of problems. I kept trying to tell her that there was no way he was coming out here, and even if he did, he wouldn't be able to find us. But she didn't want to hear it and I couldn't convince her otherwise. In her mind, the best thing to do was to go back to New Mexico.
Even though life with her was horrid, I didn't want her going back because I was afraid of what might happen to her if Road or her half-brother were able to track her down. I still loved her so much that I just wanted her and Joad to be safe.
On June 1st, 1993, Chez received her welfare check. We went out and cashed it. After we got back home, I asked if she wanted to go to Toys R Us. She said no. I knew then that she wasn't going to stick around. She wanted to hop on the Greyhound and go back to Clovis that very night. I told her she didn't need to leave, but I wasn't going to force her to stay here. And I wasn't going to help her pack. I stayed true to that promise, but she just went ahead and packed everything herself. I did agree to watch Joad while she was doing this.
Joad could tell there was something going on and kept whining while Chez was packing. But after she'd emptied out a couple of dresser drawers, he started playing inside them. I took a couple of photos of him. While Chez was concentrating on getting her clothes out of the dresser, I took a picture of her back. Then she turned around and scowled at me. I snapped a shot of that as well. The expression on her face can best be described as the photo Ted shows Barney in the "Robin 101" episode of "How I Met Your Mother." ("...and whatever you do, don't take a picture of it!")
While this was going on, I asked Chez, since she had cashed her welfare check, if she wouldn't mind giving me some of that money to pay the phone bill. She said she wouldn't, because she was going to need every cent to go back to New Mexico. (At least she was planning to buy the bus tickets herself. I would have flat-out refused to take her to the station if she was expecting me to pay for that.)
She put most of her stuff in boxes. (We never got rid of the boxes from when she and Joad first moved in. THAT should have been a sign she Knew all along she wasn't planning to stay for the long run.) We put what we could in the car. I told her I would take a vacation soon and bring the rest of her stuff to New Mexico. We went to the Greyhound station downtown and arrived about 15 minutes before the next bus to New Mexico was set to depart. We told the ticket person we had about ten boxes that needed to be transported and he said there was no way we'd be able to check them in time for the next bus. We'd have to come back the next morning. We drove back to the apartment.
When Chez had been packing her stuff earlier, I discovered the breaker box for the apartment. I found that there was a breaker switch designated for the stove. I wished I had found that several months earlier. We could have turned it off during those times when Joad was pushing the buttons to make the burners come on. It also would have saved me from that incident in which I knocked him in the back with my knee. I turned off the breaker and told Joad he could play with the buttons on the stove all her wanted.
We got up and went back to the station the next morning and arrived about an hour before the bus was scheduled to depart. We took all the boxes. I had to write the address they were going to on each box. They got loaded onto the bus. The time came for her and Joad to board the bus. She held Joad and allowed me to hug her and giver her a quick kiss on the lips. I also kissed Joad goodbye. I watched the bus drive away. I went back to my car and drove home.
I laid down on the bed and the thought entered my mind that this was the first time in almost five months that I had been in the apartment all by myself.
I'll look back on this whole Pretend Marriage with some perspective tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Pretend Marriage #1: Chez, Part 7
With all the pushing I was receiving from Chez, it was inevitable that I would push back. Since it became apparent that we were just never going to become the loving family I had envisioned when I brought her and Joad to San Diego to live with me, I almost had no reason to continue to try to make her happy.
I am very ashamed of my behavior the last few months that we were together. I regret a lot of the things that I will detail in this post. However, I don't regret stealing money from my employer because of my home situation. (Since the powers that be were planning to fire me anyway, I'm glad I came out a few extra dollars ahead.)
One thing I did was unintentional. For a period of time, Chez claimed that Joad had a preference for me. I told her I didn't think so, but she wanted to prove it to me. She had him stand on one side of the living room and us on the other. We would call to him. He ran over to me. We did this several more times. He ran to me, every single time. She said, "See? My son used to love only me! I want my son back!" I replied, "Well, I want my girlfriend back, but I don't think that's going to happen!" "F*** YOU!"
On the intentional side, if I wanted to go do something (like see a movie), I would ask her if she and Joad wanted to go. If she didn't, she say "No!" I would respond with, "Okay, I'll see you later," and walk right out the door. I'd come back about three hours later. She'd ask if we were going to go out and get something to eat. I'd ask her, "Weren't you going to make anything?" "No!" "Okay, I'll go out and get me something to eat. I'll see you later." I wouldn't come back for another three hours. "Are we going to go out?" "No, I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed." And I'd go lay down.
This happened a few times. One day, after I had pulled this stunt again, she came into the bedroom. I was laying with my face in the pillow. She asked me, "Do you want me to come over there and hit you?" With my head still face down, I held up my arm and moved my fingers in a "bring it on" motion. She came over, pulled my head by my hair and started punching me in the face. She hit me about five times. Then she let go of me, started crying and left the room. I went out after her.
(I should point out that even though Chez acted all tough, she clearly did not know how to fight or throw a punch. She would likely have trouble going up against a 10-year-old girl with diabetes. I could feel her fist touching my face, but it felt like she was trying to slap me with a marshmallow. She really didn't harm me.)
I asked her what she thought she was doing, but she wouldn't answer me. But that wouldn't be the only time she would hit me. I once said something to her that made her mad. She came up to me and I could tell she was going to punch me in the stomach. I quickly tightened my stomach muscles before she could make contact. I think she probably felt more pain than I did.
But I also messed with her mind. Since I couldn't really hit her or yell at her, I came up with something that might scare her a little. One night, when she was trying to sleep on the sofa in the living room, I came out of the bedroom and acted like I was sleepwalking. I went over to the kitchen and started turning the water on and off. I did this for a couple of minutes. To keep myself from laughing, I started breathing very heavily and loudly through my nose. Eventually, she came over to see what was going on. I turned my head in her direction without looking her in the eye and put my hand on her shoulder. I yelled, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD DO TO YOU?" I pushed her a little and started walking away. She asked, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I walked like I didn't have full control of my legs. She noted this and said, "Oh, you're sleepwalking." I got back into bed.
A couple of minutes later, Chez came in and sat on the bed next to me. I acted like she just woke me up. I said, "Hey, how are you doing?" "Do you know what you just did?" "No, what?" "You were sleepwalking." "What did I do?" "Well, you came out and started turning the water in the kitchen on and off. I came over and pushed you. (She didn't.) You pushed me back and yelled at me and then you came back to bed." "I'm sorry. Are you okay?" "Yeah, but that was just kind of weird." I never pulled that stunt again.
But my frustration at all of this truly got the better of me one night. We were watching the final episode of "Quantum Leap." Joad had a tendency to go into the kitchen and push the buttons on the stove and make the burners come on. If we didn't realize he had done this, the smoke detector would go off. This particular night, he was being really ornery and kept going in and pushing the buttons, even though we kept telling him not to do that. I was trying to pay attention to the show (because I didn't have a VCR to record it), and didn't like having to run into the kitchen every five minutes to turn off the stove and pull him out. This one time, I got really fed up. After turning the stove off, I started pushing Joad back to the living room and I bumped his back with my knee, a lot harder than I intended. Chez couldn't see what had happened. Joad was making an effort to keep from crying, but Chez could tell something was wrong. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?" "I didn't do anything." "DID YOU HIT HIM?" "No. I don't know what happened." Well, I did know what happened and I also know that Joad didn't touch the stove for the rest of the evening.
I am really sorry I did that and I know there's no justification. But I did realize that I had not gotten old enough to outgrow the emotional scars I had received from my father in similar situations. I didn't like that I was starting to turn into the adult that I feared I would become. I never laid another hand (or other body part) on Joad. I also never told Chez the truth (even though she probably knows). She would have felt I was no different than Road, even though she would continue to beat Joad herself.
As Chez' desire to go back to New Mexico grew with each passing minute, so did the lengths she would go to make me angry. She started accusing me of being gay. (Well, that's what I get for not having sex with her.) She also took every opportunity to disrespect my level of education. "Just because you went to college doesn't mean you're smarter than me!"
During an argument, she said, "I know what you want to say to me. Why don't you just go ahead and call me that? You know you want to!" She was referring to the b-word. I told her, "I don't want to call you that, because if I do, any shred of feelings that you still have to me will completely vanish. And then, we'll have nothing." I was starting to feel like she wanted me to say it just so she wouldn't be in love with me anymore. I wasn't going to let that happen.
During an argument one day, I held my hands up and made a fist without thinking about it. (But not to hit her, that's just how my hands went up.) She yelled, "YOU WERE GOING TO HIT ME!" "No, I wasn't." "YES, YOU WERE! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE GOING TO HIT ME! YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN ROAD!" She refused to listen to me. She just wanted to believe that I would be the type of boyfriend who wanted to hurt her. In a way I was, but not with physical force.
It was apparent that she and Joad weren't going to be around much longer. I didn't know what needed to happen to make them leave, but I didn't want to be held responsible for it.
As luck would have it, I wouldn't have to be. You'll find out who it was tomorrow.
I am very ashamed of my behavior the last few months that we were together. I regret a lot of the things that I will detail in this post. However, I don't regret stealing money from my employer because of my home situation. (Since the powers that be were planning to fire me anyway, I'm glad I came out a few extra dollars ahead.)
One thing I did was unintentional. For a period of time, Chez claimed that Joad had a preference for me. I told her I didn't think so, but she wanted to prove it to me. She had him stand on one side of the living room and us on the other. We would call to him. He ran over to me. We did this several more times. He ran to me, every single time. She said, "See? My son used to love only me! I want my son back!" I replied, "Well, I want my girlfriend back, but I don't think that's going to happen!" "F*** YOU!"
On the intentional side, if I wanted to go do something (like see a movie), I would ask her if she and Joad wanted to go. If she didn't, she say "No!" I would respond with, "Okay, I'll see you later," and walk right out the door. I'd come back about three hours later. She'd ask if we were going to go out and get something to eat. I'd ask her, "Weren't you going to make anything?" "No!" "Okay, I'll go out and get me something to eat. I'll see you later." I wouldn't come back for another three hours. "Are we going to go out?" "No, I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed." And I'd go lay down.
This happened a few times. One day, after I had pulled this stunt again, she came into the bedroom. I was laying with my face in the pillow. She asked me, "Do you want me to come over there and hit you?" With my head still face down, I held up my arm and moved my fingers in a "bring it on" motion. She came over, pulled my head by my hair and started punching me in the face. She hit me about five times. Then she let go of me, started crying and left the room. I went out after her.
(I should point out that even though Chez acted all tough, she clearly did not know how to fight or throw a punch. She would likely have trouble going up against a 10-year-old girl with diabetes. I could feel her fist touching my face, but it felt like she was trying to slap me with a marshmallow. She really didn't harm me.)
I asked her what she thought she was doing, but she wouldn't answer me. But that wouldn't be the only time she would hit me. I once said something to her that made her mad. She came up to me and I could tell she was going to punch me in the stomach. I quickly tightened my stomach muscles before she could make contact. I think she probably felt more pain than I did.
But I also messed with her mind. Since I couldn't really hit her or yell at her, I came up with something that might scare her a little. One night, when she was trying to sleep on the sofa in the living room, I came out of the bedroom and acted like I was sleepwalking. I went over to the kitchen and started turning the water on and off. I did this for a couple of minutes. To keep myself from laughing, I started breathing very heavily and loudly through my nose. Eventually, she came over to see what was going on. I turned my head in her direction without looking her in the eye and put my hand on her shoulder. I yelled, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD DO TO YOU?" I pushed her a little and started walking away. She asked, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I walked like I didn't have full control of my legs. She noted this and said, "Oh, you're sleepwalking." I got back into bed.
A couple of minutes later, Chez came in and sat on the bed next to me. I acted like she just woke me up. I said, "Hey, how are you doing?" "Do you know what you just did?" "No, what?" "You were sleepwalking." "What did I do?" "Well, you came out and started turning the water in the kitchen on and off. I came over and pushed you. (She didn't.) You pushed me back and yelled at me and then you came back to bed." "I'm sorry. Are you okay?" "Yeah, but that was just kind of weird." I never pulled that stunt again.
But my frustration at all of this truly got the better of me one night. We were watching the final episode of "Quantum Leap." Joad had a tendency to go into the kitchen and push the buttons on the stove and make the burners come on. If we didn't realize he had done this, the smoke detector would go off. This particular night, he was being really ornery and kept going in and pushing the buttons, even though we kept telling him not to do that. I was trying to pay attention to the show (because I didn't have a VCR to record it), and didn't like having to run into the kitchen every five minutes to turn off the stove and pull him out. This one time, I got really fed up. After turning the stove off, I started pushing Joad back to the living room and I bumped his back with my knee, a lot harder than I intended. Chez couldn't see what had happened. Joad was making an effort to keep from crying, but Chez could tell something was wrong. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?" "I didn't do anything." "DID YOU HIT HIM?" "No. I don't know what happened." Well, I did know what happened and I also know that Joad didn't touch the stove for the rest of the evening.
I am really sorry I did that and I know there's no justification. But I did realize that I had not gotten old enough to outgrow the emotional scars I had received from my father in similar situations. I didn't like that I was starting to turn into the adult that I feared I would become. I never laid another hand (or other body part) on Joad. I also never told Chez the truth (even though she probably knows). She would have felt I was no different than Road, even though she would continue to beat Joad herself.
As Chez' desire to go back to New Mexico grew with each passing minute, so did the lengths she would go to make me angry. She started accusing me of being gay. (Well, that's what I get for not having sex with her.) She also took every opportunity to disrespect my level of education. "Just because you went to college doesn't mean you're smarter than me!"
During an argument, she said, "I know what you want to say to me. Why don't you just go ahead and call me that? You know you want to!" She was referring to the b-word. I told her, "I don't want to call you that, because if I do, any shred of feelings that you still have to me will completely vanish. And then, we'll have nothing." I was starting to feel like she wanted me to say it just so she wouldn't be in love with me anymore. I wasn't going to let that happen.
During an argument one day, I held my hands up and made a fist without thinking about it. (But not to hit her, that's just how my hands went up.) She yelled, "YOU WERE GOING TO HIT ME!" "No, I wasn't." "YES, YOU WERE! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE GOING TO HIT ME! YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN ROAD!" She refused to listen to me. She just wanted to believe that I would be the type of boyfriend who wanted to hurt her. In a way I was, but not with physical force.
It was apparent that she and Joad weren't going to be around much longer. I didn't know what needed to happen to make them leave, but I didn't want to be held responsible for it.
As luck would have it, I wouldn't have to be. You'll find out who it was tomorrow.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Pretend Marriage #1: Chez, Part 6
During the time that we lived together, Chez and I fell into a large number of routines. These certainly weren't planned. It just all seemed to happen organically and I felt powerless to change it.
This is how a day typically went: I would wake up in the morning, go out and buy a newspaper from a vending machine. I would bring it back to the apartment, eat breakfast and read. At some point in the morning, Chez would open the bedroom door and push Joad outside along with his bottle. Sometimes, she would throw the bottle to get my attention. Then, she would go back to bed, sometimes for a long as six hours. If I had to be at work earlier in the day, I would have to wake her up so she could take care of Joad. If I tried to touch her to wake her up, she would start swinging her fists aimlessly. When she woke up, she would start yelling and screaming at me for going to work and leaving her alone with Joad.
Something you need to know about the difference between Chez and me involved our taste in music. I liked the alternative bands and she preferred heavy metal, most of which I couldn't stand. The days that I didn't work would typically start with her coming out of the bedroom while I had the radio on 91X. She would yell, "Turn that s*** off!" I would reply, "But it's Midnight Oil (or The Cure, or U2, or New Order, or The Spin Doctors, etc.)!" She would respond with, "I don't give a s***! Turn it off!" This was our almost-daily comedy routine.
Another comedy routine would take place every time I saw Joad squinting and grunting. I would ask, "What are you doing, Joad?" Chez would reply, "He's taking a s***! What do you think he's doing?" Somehow, I don't think she was trying to be funny.
If I didn't have to work on a particular day or night, Chez would want to be driven somewhere. Anywhere. We drove all throughout San Diego County, even the northern parts just south of Orange County. We did drive up to the LA area one day. We drove around Disneyland and Hollywood. We stopped by saw Chud. His wife Elad wasn't there and Chud says he was glad she didn't meet Chez. He said that Elad would have thrown a fit because of the manner in which Chez hit Joad.
Chez especially enjoyed going to all of the malls in San Diego. There was only one mall in Roswell, and that could get old very quickly. She enjoyed the variety. We rarely bought anything outside of food at the malls. We also went to the beach and Cabrillo Point a few times, but she didn't care much for the water. She said just looking at it made her feel seasick. But that still didn't stop her from going there from time to time.
One day, I had to work. Chez wanted to go out driving. I told her we could go after I returned home from work, which would be around 11pm. I actually expected her to just give up and go to bed. However, when I got home, she had Joad and all her stuff ready to go. Even though I really wanted to just go to bed, I had to drive her and Joad around for two hours before we came back.
Chez told me that if she ever got a car, I would probably never see her. She would just take Joad and go driving all over the place. She would only come home to sleep and pick up her welfare check.
As I've mentioned before, Chez only ever made food for herself and Joad when I was at work. This meant that she never made anything for me. This wasn't really a problem. We typically had bread, cheese (the non-block kind), deli meat and canned foods. But it did create an issue one time. On a trip to the grocery store, she wanted to buy some mushrooms. When we got home, she started to saute the mushrooms in margarine. This was the only time I ever saw her make something that didn't come out of a can or box with powdered ingredients. I said, "Hey, that smells good. Can I have some?" "No, this is for me and Joad. You can't have any." Sure enough, she and Joad ate all the mushrooms without letting me have any. (Yeah, I know. I could have just gone out and gotten my own mushrooms to saute. But that just seemed really heartless of her.)
Because Chez wasn't making me anything to eat for when I got home from work, I would either make something at the apartment, or get something and bring it back to the house, as she was usually asleep by the time I got home. One night, I went to a taco shop and got some rolled tacos with cheese. When I opened the door, she was wide awake, watching TV. "What's that you've got?" "I bought some rolled tacos." "Well, it's nice that you thought to get some for me." "Do you want some? I have plenty." "I don't want to eat that greasy s***!"
When I wasn't at home, Chez typically would do the following things: Sleep (when Joad was sleeping), feed Joad, change his diapers, eat, watch TV, play video games and talk on the phone. Who was she calling? Her mother, sisters, other family and friends. She was making long-distance calls every day and talking for hours at a time. Our phone bills averaged more than $200 a month. I understand that she was homesick, but I know that all she did was gripe about me and talk about how much she wanted to come back to New Mexico. She would make comments that undermined my intelligence, like equating me to the "blonde" jokes that were popular of the time because of the color of my hair. I know this is what she talked about because she would flat-out tell me. (And it didn't help that none of the people she was calling would try to re-assure her that she had made the right choice and that she was where she needed to be in order to avoid a domestic violence situation. And I don't think she ever called and complained to her father because he would have been quick to put a stop to that nonsense.)
Another routine was what happened when she got her welfare check. After cashing it, the first thing we would do was go to Toys R Us and buy $200 worth of toys for Joad. EVERY MONTH! She would also spend about $100 for groceries, but would blow the rest of her money on video games and who knows what else. But if I said, "Hey, I need some of that welfare money to pay for those long-distance calls you've been making," she would reply, "I don't have any money left." Where was all that money going? I figured that she should have had at least a couple of hundred left over because she certainly never left the house. (Of course, she could have just ordered pizza and had it delivered when I wasn't there. I would never know because she would have thrown the boxes away in the apartment dumpster.)
Of course, me having to pay for everything meant that I had to start using my credit card every month to purchase stuff that should have been easily covered by our two incomes, if we had been able to come to some sort of agreement on how to pay for everything by pooling our cash. So, on top of me going into more debt, this was when I started stealing from my employer. A few days before my next paycheck, Chez saw that I had purchased some Hostess snack cakes and was eating them for breakfast. She saw this and asked, "I thought you didn't have any money. How did you pay for those?" Instead of telling her I stole from the theatre, I told her I took a cash advance on my credit card. She didn't question that.
But if this all seems abysmal, I haven't even gotten to the worst stuff yet. That will be tomorrow.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Pretend Marriage #1: Chez, Part 5
When Chez wasn't talking about sex that she'd had with other people in Roswell, she would be talking about Kijd, her caseworker from the battered women's shelter. For her, Kijd was the most wonderful and nurturing individual she had ever met. She missed her the most when she moved out to San Diego to be with me.
When I was at work, Chez would try to call Kijd at the shelter to try to talk to her. Most of the time, Kijd was busy. (There were, of course, other women in the shelter that she needed to give attention to.) One time, I got the phone bill for those times Chez called me collect in December of 1992. The phone number for the line she was using showed up. She called that number and actually got to talk to Kijd for a little bit. After she called a couple more times on that line, Kijd told her not to call that number anymore because the other women there needed to use it to make phone calls.
Valentine's Day was coming up. Chez told me that under no circumstances was I to get her anything special. However, she wanted to send Kijd some flowers. She had me call up an FTD florist in Roswell and order flowers over the phone. Because I was the one with a credit card, that meant I had to pay for them. I then decided that if it was okay for her to get flowers for Kijd, it was okay for me to get flowers for Chez.
Valentine's Day came. I got her flowers from me and Joad with a card. She looked at me and said, "You weren't supposed to get me anything!" "Well, since you didn't have a problem getting flowers for Kijd, I just figured you really didn't have a problem with getting them yourself." I found later that she'd thrown the flowers in the trash.
I guess during one of the times she talked to Kijd when I wasn't around, Chez asked if she came back to Roswell, if she and Kijd could hang out and be friends. Kijd told her she'd have to get back to her on that, but warned her about coming back to Roswell because Road was still there and she wouldn't be safe.
A few days later, Chez, Joad and I went to the welfare office for the final step in getting benefits. They cut her a check for $600. After cashing it, we went to Toys R Us. Chez spent $200 on toys for Joad. She was very excited to have that money to spend. She was also very happy. I thought there might be a good chance she might want to try to be intimate that evening after Joad had fallen asleep.
When we got back to the house, the mail came. There was a letter from Kijd. In it, she explained that even though Chez had left the shelter, she was still considered a client and Kijd wasn't permitted to be friends with the clients. Kijd apologized, saying that when she had been a victim, she couldn't stand how the caseworkers were so fake with her and she wanted to be genuine when dealing with the clients. She didn't mean for Chez to interpret her ability to care about her situation as an opportunity to make a new friend. It just couldn't work out that way.
Chez got really furious after reading the letter. She started cussing and shouted, "...AND I WAS IN A GOOD MOOD, TOO!" I got upset, too, because that meant that there was no way I was going to be able to talk her back from this. I'm certain that if I hadn't been there, Chez would have broken down and cried for hours. And she probably did do that the next time I left the house to go to work.
After this, there would be frequent times in which she would just sit on the couch and stare into space. I knew that what she was doing was thinking about Kijd and how she wanted to go to Roswell to be with her. I'm certain that when she fell in love with me as a teenager, she would do the exact same thing when she was alone in her room. (In fact, her father later told me that when she moved out of the house, they saw the mattress from her bed. All over it she had written things like "I love Fayd," "Chez Ogolon," "Mrs. Fayd Ogolon," etc. Obsession seemed to just take over her brain when it came to her feelings for other people.)
One day, I asked her, "The way you feel about Kijd, does it feel like you're in love with her?" Her reaction was abrupt: "WHAT? YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A LESBIAN!" "No, not that at all. But are you experiencing really strong feelings for her?" "YOU THINK I'M A LESBIAN!" I think she was angry because I had so precisely identified what she was going through and she didn't like how that demonstrated how well I knew her. Only Kijd was supposed to know her that well.
Even though I denied thinking she was a lesbian, I would drive her by several of the places where gay and lesbian people hung out. We drove past The Flame, a known lesbian bar. I pointed it out to her. As we slowly drove by, she would just stare in curiosity. I knew she wanted to go in there so badly, but she was still 20 years old at the time. Anytime the Ken Cinema was showing a movie about lesbians, I would drive her by there in between shows so she could see all the women gathered outside. I know she wanted to jump out of the car and start some conversations, but she didn't want me to think she was a lesbian.
Later, Chez was able to negotiate a loophole in the client rule. Kijd said that while they couldn't really be friends, they would be able to talk to each other from time to time if she were to attend the same church. This made Chez want to move back to Roswell even more, but she was stuck with me, and she just could not ever see that as a good thing.
Of course, our situation had nowhere else to go but downward. More on Monday.
When I was at work, Chez would try to call Kijd at the shelter to try to talk to her. Most of the time, Kijd was busy. (There were, of course, other women in the shelter that she needed to give attention to.) One time, I got the phone bill for those times Chez called me collect in December of 1992. The phone number for the line she was using showed up. She called that number and actually got to talk to Kijd for a little bit. After she called a couple more times on that line, Kijd told her not to call that number anymore because the other women there needed to use it to make phone calls.
Valentine's Day was coming up. Chez told me that under no circumstances was I to get her anything special. However, she wanted to send Kijd some flowers. She had me call up an FTD florist in Roswell and order flowers over the phone. Because I was the one with a credit card, that meant I had to pay for them. I then decided that if it was okay for her to get flowers for Kijd, it was okay for me to get flowers for Chez.
Valentine's Day came. I got her flowers from me and Joad with a card. She looked at me and said, "You weren't supposed to get me anything!" "Well, since you didn't have a problem getting flowers for Kijd, I just figured you really didn't have a problem with getting them yourself." I found later that she'd thrown the flowers in the trash.
I guess during one of the times she talked to Kijd when I wasn't around, Chez asked if she came back to Roswell, if she and Kijd could hang out and be friends. Kijd told her she'd have to get back to her on that, but warned her about coming back to Roswell because Road was still there and she wouldn't be safe.
A few days later, Chez, Joad and I went to the welfare office for the final step in getting benefits. They cut her a check for $600. After cashing it, we went to Toys R Us. Chez spent $200 on toys for Joad. She was very excited to have that money to spend. She was also very happy. I thought there might be a good chance she might want to try to be intimate that evening after Joad had fallen asleep.
When we got back to the house, the mail came. There was a letter from Kijd. In it, she explained that even though Chez had left the shelter, she was still considered a client and Kijd wasn't permitted to be friends with the clients. Kijd apologized, saying that when she had been a victim, she couldn't stand how the caseworkers were so fake with her and she wanted to be genuine when dealing with the clients. She didn't mean for Chez to interpret her ability to care about her situation as an opportunity to make a new friend. It just couldn't work out that way.
Chez got really furious after reading the letter. She started cussing and shouted, "...AND I WAS IN A GOOD MOOD, TOO!" I got upset, too, because that meant that there was no way I was going to be able to talk her back from this. I'm certain that if I hadn't been there, Chez would have broken down and cried for hours. And she probably did do that the next time I left the house to go to work.
After this, there would be frequent times in which she would just sit on the couch and stare into space. I knew that what she was doing was thinking about Kijd and how she wanted to go to Roswell to be with her. I'm certain that when she fell in love with me as a teenager, she would do the exact same thing when she was alone in her room. (In fact, her father later told me that when she moved out of the house, they saw the mattress from her bed. All over it she had written things like "I love Fayd," "Chez Ogolon," "Mrs. Fayd Ogolon," etc. Obsession seemed to just take over her brain when it came to her feelings for other people.)
One day, I asked her, "The way you feel about Kijd, does it feel like you're in love with her?" Her reaction was abrupt: "WHAT? YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A LESBIAN!" "No, not that at all. But are you experiencing really strong feelings for her?" "YOU THINK I'M A LESBIAN!" I think she was angry because I had so precisely identified what she was going through and she didn't like how that demonstrated how well I knew her. Only Kijd was supposed to know her that well.
Even though I denied thinking she was a lesbian, I would drive her by several of the places where gay and lesbian people hung out. We drove past The Flame, a known lesbian bar. I pointed it out to her. As we slowly drove by, she would just stare in curiosity. I knew she wanted to go in there so badly, but she was still 20 years old at the time. Anytime the Ken Cinema was showing a movie about lesbians, I would drive her by there in between shows so she could see all the women gathered outside. I know she wanted to jump out of the car and start some conversations, but she didn't want me to think she was a lesbian.
Later, Chez was able to negotiate a loophole in the client rule. Kijd said that while they couldn't really be friends, they would be able to talk to each other from time to time if she were to attend the same church. This made Chez want to move back to Roswell even more, but she was stuck with me, and she just could not ever see that as a good thing.
Of course, our situation had nowhere else to go but downward. More on Monday.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Pretend Marriage #1: Chez, Part 4
Before I continue the story of Chez and me, I have to do a little commentary. The way I see it, there are seven levels of sexual discreetness. (Yes, I know the word is "discretion," but that just means something entirely different from what I'm going to do with it right here.)
Level 1: You never admit to anyone that you've had sex before, even your current partner.
Level 2: You admit to having sex, but refrain from saying with whom.
Level 3: You give the names of your past sexual partners.
Level 4: You talk about how frequently you had sex with your former partners and/or positions you assumed.
Level 5: You ambiguously describe someone as having a large penis.
Level 6: You go into detail about the size of someone's penis using some form of measurement.
Level 7: You have photos or videos of you having sex with someone and you show them to third parties.
As far as where people I've written about before would rate on this list, Knod would be at Level 1, Rid would be at Level 3, Kiz would be at Level 4, Marz would be at level 5 and Chez, (unfortunately) would be at Level 6.
(A side note: Random strangers would be at Level 2 and I don't know anyone at Level 7. This means that personally, Chez has the lowest amount of sexual discreetness of just about everyone I've ever met. I have met someone else at that level, but I haven't written about her yet.)
Chez went on and on about how good a lover JD was. And while she didn't describe his size in standard units, she did use a reference point that left little to the imagination. She talked about her experiences almost non-stop for a couple of days. I tried hard not to show it, but I was getting irritated. I mean, she was telling me about her performing all these sex acts, but wouldn't really even let me touch her.
One day, we had to go to the welfare office to jump through one of the hoops to get her closer to getting some money from the government. This time, we went to the office that we parked at the first time we went there. It was supposed to be some sort of 30-minute presentation related to the benefits. We waited outside with some other women. When they opened the door, they announced that only the applicants would be allowed inside. This meant that I could not come in. This also meant that the women could not bring their children in. There was a lot of yelling and screaming because no one told all of them that ahead of time. I told Chez I would take Joad for a walk while she was inside. We just walked up and down El Cajon Blvd. for the half hour.
Chez came out and said the presentation wasn't a big deal and didn't know why they wouldn't let the kids inside. (A few years later, I had reason to go to the welfare office again. Not only did they let kids inside, but I was also permitted in, even though I wasn't applying for benefits.) Chez also said that one of the women told her that she was so lucky to have me.
Later that night, we went to a movie. We went to see "Passion Fish" at Landmark's Cove Theatre in La Jolla. (I could write a whole post about taking Joad to the movies, but you already know what's going to happen.) Joad was about 50/50 on movies. He would behave just fine at one, but get out of control at another. This was one of those he got out of control. Chez took him outside. Usually, she would bring him back in after he settled down, but she just stayed out in the car and fell asleep waiting for me to come out. We drove home. Joad remained asleep the whole way and kept sleeping even after we brought him into the how and laid him down on the sofa.
Chez turned on the TV and laid down on the floor. I started feeling positive vibes from her and asked if I could lay on the floor next to her. She nodded her head. I spooned up behind her and put my arm around her. She didn't try to push my arm away.
She said, "I want to ask you something..." "Go ahead." "Do you think you're ever going to make love with me? I mean, where we don't have to get married first?"
I told her that I had anticipated that I was likely going to give up my virginity to her at some point after she had moved in. I loved her and I needed to show her how much. I just didn't know when that was going to happen.
"Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been talking an awful lot about sex lately. The truth is that I've been feeling kind of horny." That answered my lingering questions about why she kept throwing JD in my face.
I indicated that we might be making love that night and started kissing her. She kissed back. I hadn't gotten to have this much contact with her since we got to San Diego more than a month ago. I actually felt that things were starting to turn around for us emotionally. We continued making out.
The whole time this was going on, I knew in my head that I probably was not going to go all the way with her that night. I was enjoying it way too much because we hadn't done that for more than a month. However, if we had made out more frequently prior to that night, I would have been willing to sacrifice my vow of celibacy to become intimate for her right then and there.
But I was also aware that if she were to touch me in certain places on my body, I would have been very willing to give in. But I guess every time she had sex in the past, she was used to having the guy whip it out and stick it in. She was probably never that active a participant and didn't know how to get someone in the proper mood to desire her that way.
After two hours of making out, I guess it was apparent to her that I wasn't going to whip it out and stick it in. She said, "I'm tired. I need to go to bed." She picked up Joad and brought him to the bed to sleep between us again.
The next day, she acted like nothing special had happened the night before. A long time afterward, I figured out what had happened. When that woman at the welfare office told her she was lucky to have me, she was able to see what a wonderful person I was through someone else's eyes. It filled her with desire for me. When she was in the battered women's shelter, the other victims told her she was fortunately to have someone like me take in her and her son. This also filled her up with desire, to the point that she wanted to make love when we were at the Motel 6 in Arizona. But that feeling of desire didn't last a very long time in her. She would have needed frequent validation that I was the right guy for her, and she was not able to get that from anyone else on a regular basis because she almost never left the house.
We never would get that close again the rest of the time we lived together. This would have been the last good moment we would share for the remainder of our relationship.
But I continued to hold out hope. More on that tomorrow.
Level 1: You never admit to anyone that you've had sex before, even your current partner.
Level 2: You admit to having sex, but refrain from saying with whom.
Level 3: You give the names of your past sexual partners.
Level 4: You talk about how frequently you had sex with your former partners and/or positions you assumed.
Level 5: You ambiguously describe someone as having a large penis.
Level 6: You go into detail about the size of someone's penis using some form of measurement.
Level 7: You have photos or videos of you having sex with someone and you show them to third parties.
As far as where people I've written about before would rate on this list, Knod would be at Level 1, Rid would be at Level 3, Kiz would be at Level 4, Marz would be at level 5 and Chez, (unfortunately) would be at Level 6.
(A side note: Random strangers would be at Level 2 and I don't know anyone at Level 7. This means that personally, Chez has the lowest amount of sexual discreetness of just about everyone I've ever met. I have met someone else at that level, but I haven't written about her yet.)
Chez went on and on about how good a lover JD was. And while she didn't describe his size in standard units, she did use a reference point that left little to the imagination. She talked about her experiences almost non-stop for a couple of days. I tried hard not to show it, but I was getting irritated. I mean, she was telling me about her performing all these sex acts, but wouldn't really even let me touch her.
One day, we had to go to the welfare office to jump through one of the hoops to get her closer to getting some money from the government. This time, we went to the office that we parked at the first time we went there. It was supposed to be some sort of 30-minute presentation related to the benefits. We waited outside with some other women. When they opened the door, they announced that only the applicants would be allowed inside. This meant that I could not come in. This also meant that the women could not bring their children in. There was a lot of yelling and screaming because no one told all of them that ahead of time. I told Chez I would take Joad for a walk while she was inside. We just walked up and down El Cajon Blvd. for the half hour.
Chez came out and said the presentation wasn't a big deal and didn't know why they wouldn't let the kids inside. (A few years later, I had reason to go to the welfare office again. Not only did they let kids inside, but I was also permitted in, even though I wasn't applying for benefits.) Chez also said that one of the women told her that she was so lucky to have me.
Later that night, we went to a movie. We went to see "Passion Fish" at Landmark's Cove Theatre in La Jolla. (I could write a whole post about taking Joad to the movies, but you already know what's going to happen.) Joad was about 50/50 on movies. He would behave just fine at one, but get out of control at another. This was one of those he got out of control. Chez took him outside. Usually, she would bring him back in after he settled down, but she just stayed out in the car and fell asleep waiting for me to come out. We drove home. Joad remained asleep the whole way and kept sleeping even after we brought him into the how and laid him down on the sofa.
Chez turned on the TV and laid down on the floor. I started feeling positive vibes from her and asked if I could lay on the floor next to her. She nodded her head. I spooned up behind her and put my arm around her. She didn't try to push my arm away.
She said, "I want to ask you something..." "Go ahead." "Do you think you're ever going to make love with me? I mean, where we don't have to get married first?"
I told her that I had anticipated that I was likely going to give up my virginity to her at some point after she had moved in. I loved her and I needed to show her how much. I just didn't know when that was going to happen.
"Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been talking an awful lot about sex lately. The truth is that I've been feeling kind of horny." That answered my lingering questions about why she kept throwing JD in my face.
I indicated that we might be making love that night and started kissing her. She kissed back. I hadn't gotten to have this much contact with her since we got to San Diego more than a month ago. I actually felt that things were starting to turn around for us emotionally. We continued making out.
The whole time this was going on, I knew in my head that I probably was not going to go all the way with her that night. I was enjoying it way too much because we hadn't done that for more than a month. However, if we had made out more frequently prior to that night, I would have been willing to sacrifice my vow of celibacy to become intimate for her right then and there.
But I was also aware that if she were to touch me in certain places on my body, I would have been very willing to give in. But I guess every time she had sex in the past, she was used to having the guy whip it out and stick it in. She was probably never that active a participant and didn't know how to get someone in the proper mood to desire her that way.
After two hours of making out, I guess it was apparent to her that I wasn't going to whip it out and stick it in. She said, "I'm tired. I need to go to bed." She picked up Joad and brought him to the bed to sleep between us again.
The next day, she acted like nothing special had happened the night before. A long time afterward, I figured out what had happened. When that woman at the welfare office told her she was lucky to have me, she was able to see what a wonderful person I was through someone else's eyes. It filled her with desire for me. When she was in the battered women's shelter, the other victims told her she was fortunately to have someone like me take in her and her son. This also filled her up with desire, to the point that she wanted to make love when we were at the Motel 6 in Arizona. But that feeling of desire didn't last a very long time in her. She would have needed frequent validation that I was the right guy for her, and she was not able to get that from anyone else on a regular basis because she almost never left the house.
We never would get that close again the rest of the time we lived together. This would have been the last good moment we would share for the remainder of our relationship.
But I continued to hold out hope. More on that tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Pretend Marriage #1: Chez, Part 3
With this post, I'm going to focus on Chez' life before she and Joad moved out to San Diego to be with me. A lot of this I didn't know about until I came and picked her up from Clovis, NM. But it all had an impact on our lives together.
Chez' best friend was a woman named Dawd. The day that I barely missed Chez in Roswell was the day she moved out of her parents' house to live with Dawd and her boyfriend. Chez later confessed to me that she wound up having sex with the boyfriend. She said he kept pestering her, so she just gave in to shut him up. (This meant I confirmed she was lying to me that one time when she told me she hadn't had sex with anyone. However, she did not acknowledge that she had intentionally deceived me.) Afterward, she and Dawd decided to go back and get their high school diplomas and were in Job Corps together. Chez told me they tended to get into a lot of trouble. So much trouble that when they were supposed to get their diplomas, they were told the ceremony would be at a specific time, but they found out they were holding it earlier for everyone else in the program. They protested and were able to graduate with everyone else in their class.
Chez said that Dawd didn't think much of me after I came back into her life. Dawd thought I was a jerk because I had abandoned Chez, led her on and almost got married to someone else. Yes, Dawd had good reasons for not liking me, even though she'd never met me, so I can't blame her for that. The real problem was that Dawd's influence likely led to Chez deciding she didn't want to have anything to do with me and attempting to break off communications. This led to her getting drunk and stoned at a party where she got pregnant about a month after I last saw her.
After she had the baby, she made it quite clear to everyone, including Dawd, that she didn't want to have anything to do with Road. However, Road went to Dawd and talked her into getting Chez to agree. Apparently, Dawd was able to take advantage of her influence over Chez to get her to talk to Road. If it weren't for that, Chez probably would have been able to steer clear of him, especially considering he wasn't going to pay child support anyway. Chez told me that all he did was work jobs in which he got paid under the table. (When I first wrote that sentence, it came out as "did jobs under the table." I'm not THAT vindictive.)
As he continued to force his way into their lives, he would make attempts to be a father to Joad. But these never really worked out well enough for Chez to ever have any respect for him in that capacity. She told me about the first time he changed a poopy diaper. It involved him vomiting several times. (Although I doubt he vomited as much as Chez said he did.) Once, Road had brought home some KFC and she told him to give Joad a piece, so he gave him the bone from a piece he just finished. "MY CHILD IS NOT A DOG!" (I have a feeling, though, that this was probably related to an earlier incident in which he bought some food, had to give some to Joad, who then proceeded to smear it into the carpet. That would have been a waste of food that he paid money for and didn't want that to happen again. But that is just speculation and certainly not justification.) There was at least one time that he was able to get Joad to go to sleep after Chez had practically collapsed from exhaustion. After putting him to bed, Joad tried to crawl into bed with Chez, but she got upset with him for trying to do that.
On top of this, Road would frequently demand sex from Chez. While he apparently never coerced her to the point that it would be considered rape, she would often give in and get it over with. She said that he complained once that she was "awful dry." "Well, what was he expecting?"
All throughout this, Chez and Road hung out with Dawd and her boyfriend JD. JD was Dawd's boyfriend throughout Chez' pregnancy and after. JD was one of those guys who tried to have sex with just about every woman he met and often succeeded. (You've heard the "statistic" about 20% of men getting 80% of the sex? He would be in that 20%.) This meant that he was not faithful to Dawd. I think she knew, but didn't really care. Chez said she'd heard that JD had sex with a transgender woman. By that, I mean, he had sex with someone who had a penis, AND he was fully aware that person had a penis. In addition, he'd slept with Chez' sister Pid and yes, even Chez herself.
Chez says they frequently had sex when Road wasn't around. Chez talked like she always enjoyed it when he came over to sleep with her. While she was always trying to push Road away, she would welcome JD just about anytime. She said that he knew how to talk to a woman to get her in the mood, and that he didn't f***, he "made love."
But that all came to an end when JD got arrested. He was working at a gas station and pulled some kind of inside job to rob the place. Somehow, the cops got him to confess and he was sentenced to five years. Chez claims to be the last woman he slept with before he was incarcerated.
If you thought I was getting irritated at hearing her tell me about all this, you're right. But I didn't let it show. I just let her talk and I didn't ask any questions.
However, there was a reason she was talking about all this, and I'll get into that tomorrow.
Chez' best friend was a woman named Dawd. The day that I barely missed Chez in Roswell was the day she moved out of her parents' house to live with Dawd and her boyfriend. Chez later confessed to me that she wound up having sex with the boyfriend. She said he kept pestering her, so she just gave in to shut him up. (This meant I confirmed she was lying to me that one time when she told me she hadn't had sex with anyone. However, she did not acknowledge that she had intentionally deceived me.) Afterward, she and Dawd decided to go back and get their high school diplomas and were in Job Corps together. Chez told me they tended to get into a lot of trouble. So much trouble that when they were supposed to get their diplomas, they were told the ceremony would be at a specific time, but they found out they were holding it earlier for everyone else in the program. They protested and were able to graduate with everyone else in their class.
Chez said that Dawd didn't think much of me after I came back into her life. Dawd thought I was a jerk because I had abandoned Chez, led her on and almost got married to someone else. Yes, Dawd had good reasons for not liking me, even though she'd never met me, so I can't blame her for that. The real problem was that Dawd's influence likely led to Chez deciding she didn't want to have anything to do with me and attempting to break off communications. This led to her getting drunk and stoned at a party where she got pregnant about a month after I last saw her.
After she had the baby, she made it quite clear to everyone, including Dawd, that she didn't want to have anything to do with Road. However, Road went to Dawd and talked her into getting Chez to agree. Apparently, Dawd was able to take advantage of her influence over Chez to get her to talk to Road. If it weren't for that, Chez probably would have been able to steer clear of him, especially considering he wasn't going to pay child support anyway. Chez told me that all he did was work jobs in which he got paid under the table. (When I first wrote that sentence, it came out as "did jobs under the table." I'm not THAT vindictive.)
As he continued to force his way into their lives, he would make attempts to be a father to Joad. But these never really worked out well enough for Chez to ever have any respect for him in that capacity. She told me about the first time he changed a poopy diaper. It involved him vomiting several times. (Although I doubt he vomited as much as Chez said he did.) Once, Road had brought home some KFC and she told him to give Joad a piece, so he gave him the bone from a piece he just finished. "MY CHILD IS NOT A DOG!" (I have a feeling, though, that this was probably related to an earlier incident in which he bought some food, had to give some to Joad, who then proceeded to smear it into the carpet. That would have been a waste of food that he paid money for and didn't want that to happen again. But that is just speculation and certainly not justification.) There was at least one time that he was able to get Joad to go to sleep after Chez had practically collapsed from exhaustion. After putting him to bed, Joad tried to crawl into bed with Chez, but she got upset with him for trying to do that.
On top of this, Road would frequently demand sex from Chez. While he apparently never coerced her to the point that it would be considered rape, she would often give in and get it over with. She said that he complained once that she was "awful dry." "Well, what was he expecting?"
All throughout this, Chez and Road hung out with Dawd and her boyfriend JD. JD was Dawd's boyfriend throughout Chez' pregnancy and after. JD was one of those guys who tried to have sex with just about every woman he met and often succeeded. (You've heard the "statistic" about 20% of men getting 80% of the sex? He would be in that 20%.) This meant that he was not faithful to Dawd. I think she knew, but didn't really care. Chez said she'd heard that JD had sex with a transgender woman. By that, I mean, he had sex with someone who had a penis, AND he was fully aware that person had a penis. In addition, he'd slept with Chez' sister Pid and yes, even Chez herself.
Chez says they frequently had sex when Road wasn't around. Chez talked like she always enjoyed it when he came over to sleep with her. While she was always trying to push Road away, she would welcome JD just about anytime. She said that he knew how to talk to a woman to get her in the mood, and that he didn't f***, he "made love."
But that all came to an end when JD got arrested. He was working at a gas station and pulled some kind of inside job to rob the place. Somehow, the cops got him to confess and he was sentenced to five years. Chez claims to be the last woman he slept with before he was incarcerated.
If you thought I was getting irritated at hearing her tell me about all this, you're right. But I didn't let it show. I just let her talk and I didn't ask any questions.
However, there was a reason she was talking about all this, and I'll get into that tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Pretend Marriage #1: Chez, Part 2
Within the first couple of weeks of living together, I realized that the time had come that I was not going to be able to support Chez, Joad and myself on my meager salary. (It didn't help that Chez wanted to eat out all the time.) We had to look into having her go on Welfare.
We called the welfare benefits department and they told us that we could show up any Monday through Friday at their office at the intersection of 73rd and El Cajon Blvd. They told us we needed to get there before 6:30 in the morning because that was what time they started signing people up to meet with counselors throughout the day. We were also told that there would be a line at that time and to get there early.
We picked a day that I didn't have to be at work and went to the intersection. We grabbed her domestic violence verification paperwork and brought it with us. We found the building that appeared to be where we were supposed to be and parked in the lot outside. However, we didn't see a line. I thought we lucked out. After waiting a few minutes, we saw other people park near us, but they went off in another direction. When I went to see where they were going, I saw another building across the street and half a block up 73rd. I saw a long line outside. THAT WAS WHERE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO!
It looked like there were about 100 people in line. While we were waiting, several thoughts were running through my mind. First was that this happens EVERY SINGLE DAY! People are showing up here to see if they can qualify for welfare benefits. And there is apparently a never-ending supply of people who come here every day. So, no matter what day you're going to come down, there's going to be a line. Another surprising thing was how many able-bodied men were in the line. (It seemed like there were relatively few women with children there.) My thought was that these were likely people who couldn't hold down a job because they had problems with showing up on time, yet they were able to show up here today at 6:30am, or even earlier. I'll bet many of them were waiting here since 5am. I also wondered if they ever had people show up, see the line and say, "Oh, forget this! I'm going to go get a job!" Somehow, I don't think that happens very often.
After Chez provided her name to the staff, we had to go and wait in this very small lobby. It clearly was not large enough for 100 people. Even worse was the fact that the counselors didn't arrive at the office until 8am. That meant that everyone, including those who were first in line, were going to have to wait at least an hour an a half before they got to talk to someone. Even worse was that we had absolutely no estimate of how long it would be before we saw a counselor. But we would have to wait there. And if we left the building and they happened to call her name, we wouldn't get to see a counselor that day. One of us had to be inside the building the whole time. Imagine how bad it is for those who were by themselves. If they didn't know ahead of time about waiting in the lobby for their names to be called, they probably couldn't run the risk of going to get something to eat.
You could just feel like this was the most depressing place anyone would have to spend time at. There were so many people there who were at the end of their ropes and no one was 100% certain they were going to qualify for benefits. They simply had nowhere else left to turn. In the lobby, a VCR played some kids movie, but no one was watching it. Children were running around and making a lot of noise. Chez just sat there in the middle of it all with a thousand-yard stare. This was probably way worse than the welfare office in Roswell.
Lunchtime rolled around and I ran out to get us something to eat. When I came back, she and Joad were still waiting there. Around 2pm (after we'd been there almost eight hours), Joad needed to have his diaper changed. I took him out to the car. When we came back to the office, one of the other women who had been waiting said, "They called your wife in!" I went to the door for appointments and told them that Joad's mother had been called in and I needed to be in there with her. I had to give Chez' name and someone went to look to see which office she was in. A few minutes later, they let me in. I found Chez and started to go into the office, but the counselor told me I didn't need to be there and I had to go back into the lobby. (No! Don't make me go back there!)
When Chez came out, she said there were a few things we needed to do to start getting benefits. But she said they could get done within the next week and then they would cut her a check that would include SSI benefits and Food Stamps. (At this time, California was working toward its debit card system for Food Stamps and SSI benefits. However, since they didn't have that system ready and food stamps were being used as an alternative form of currency, they just decided to go ahead and give everybody cash.) She was told she would be receiving $600 a month. She said her jaw dropped to the floor when the woman told her that. All she could get out of welfare in New Mexico was $200. She'd never had that much money at one time in her life.
We also had to go to another location to apply for Women, Infants and Children (WIC) benefits. I'd never heard of this program before, but it supplies some food items to mothers and their children. Even though he was more than a year old, Joad was still on formula. This was because he was lactose intolerant. I found out how intolerant he was when I gave him some Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and saw his face break out in little red bumps. The WIC vouchers provided all his formula. They also had vouchers for cheese, unsweetened cereal and milk for the mother.
With WIC, you have to use a specific grocery store that you get to choose. We picked the Lucky supermarket that was down just a few blocks from our apartment. The interesting thing about the vouchers is that they said they were good for two pounds of block cheese, but the amount wasn't to exceed $7. Two blocks of cheese don't even come close to $7 at Lucky. I wondered, if WIC was prepared to pay $7, why couldn't we just get $7 worth of cheese? In fact, I'm surprised that the grocery stores don't actually charge that much for the cheese when someone shows up with a voucher. It would be the exact opposite of a coupon in that the price goes up at the register when you show it to the cashier.
One of the problems I encounteted was that, once we got home from our WIC shopping, Chez would take one of the blocks, get a knife and consume the entire block in one sitting. (I'm surprised she didn't just bite directly off the block.) Later, she'd get around to the other block and it would be gone just as quickly. It almost felt like WIC didn't really make that much of a difference in terms of the food supply for the women.
And that's what life is like when you're trying to live on public assistance. It actually is a lot of hard work.
We called the welfare benefits department and they told us that we could show up any Monday through Friday at their office at the intersection of 73rd and El Cajon Blvd. They told us we needed to get there before 6:30 in the morning because that was what time they started signing people up to meet with counselors throughout the day. We were also told that there would be a line at that time and to get there early.
We picked a day that I didn't have to be at work and went to the intersection. We grabbed her domestic violence verification paperwork and brought it with us. We found the building that appeared to be where we were supposed to be and parked in the lot outside. However, we didn't see a line. I thought we lucked out. After waiting a few minutes, we saw other people park near us, but they went off in another direction. When I went to see where they were going, I saw another building across the street and half a block up 73rd. I saw a long line outside. THAT WAS WHERE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO!
It looked like there were about 100 people in line. While we were waiting, several thoughts were running through my mind. First was that this happens EVERY SINGLE DAY! People are showing up here to see if they can qualify for welfare benefits. And there is apparently a never-ending supply of people who come here every day. So, no matter what day you're going to come down, there's going to be a line. Another surprising thing was how many able-bodied men were in the line. (It seemed like there were relatively few women with children there.) My thought was that these were likely people who couldn't hold down a job because they had problems with showing up on time, yet they were able to show up here today at 6:30am, or even earlier. I'll bet many of them were waiting here since 5am. I also wondered if they ever had people show up, see the line and say, "Oh, forget this! I'm going to go get a job!" Somehow, I don't think that happens very often.
After Chez provided her name to the staff, we had to go and wait in this very small lobby. It clearly was not large enough for 100 people. Even worse was the fact that the counselors didn't arrive at the office until 8am. That meant that everyone, including those who were first in line, were going to have to wait at least an hour an a half before they got to talk to someone. Even worse was that we had absolutely no estimate of how long it would be before we saw a counselor. But we would have to wait there. And if we left the building and they happened to call her name, we wouldn't get to see a counselor that day. One of us had to be inside the building the whole time. Imagine how bad it is for those who were by themselves. If they didn't know ahead of time about waiting in the lobby for their names to be called, they probably couldn't run the risk of going to get something to eat.
You could just feel like this was the most depressing place anyone would have to spend time at. There were so many people there who were at the end of their ropes and no one was 100% certain they were going to qualify for benefits. They simply had nowhere else left to turn. In the lobby, a VCR played some kids movie, but no one was watching it. Children were running around and making a lot of noise. Chez just sat there in the middle of it all with a thousand-yard stare. This was probably way worse than the welfare office in Roswell.
Lunchtime rolled around and I ran out to get us something to eat. When I came back, she and Joad were still waiting there. Around 2pm (after we'd been there almost eight hours), Joad needed to have his diaper changed. I took him out to the car. When we came back to the office, one of the other women who had been waiting said, "They called your wife in!" I went to the door for appointments and told them that Joad's mother had been called in and I needed to be in there with her. I had to give Chez' name and someone went to look to see which office she was in. A few minutes later, they let me in. I found Chez and started to go into the office, but the counselor told me I didn't need to be there and I had to go back into the lobby. (No! Don't make me go back there!)
When Chez came out, she said there were a few things we needed to do to start getting benefits. But she said they could get done within the next week and then they would cut her a check that would include SSI benefits and Food Stamps. (At this time, California was working toward its debit card system for Food Stamps and SSI benefits. However, since they didn't have that system ready and food stamps were being used as an alternative form of currency, they just decided to go ahead and give everybody cash.) She was told she would be receiving $600 a month. She said her jaw dropped to the floor when the woman told her that. All she could get out of welfare in New Mexico was $200. She'd never had that much money at one time in her life.
We also had to go to another location to apply for Women, Infants and Children (WIC) benefits. I'd never heard of this program before, but it supplies some food items to mothers and their children. Even though he was more than a year old, Joad was still on formula. This was because he was lactose intolerant. I found out how intolerant he was when I gave him some Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and saw his face break out in little red bumps. The WIC vouchers provided all his formula. They also had vouchers for cheese, unsweetened cereal and milk for the mother.
With WIC, you have to use a specific grocery store that you get to choose. We picked the Lucky supermarket that was down just a few blocks from our apartment. The interesting thing about the vouchers is that they said they were good for two pounds of block cheese, but the amount wasn't to exceed $7. Two blocks of cheese don't even come close to $7 at Lucky. I wondered, if WIC was prepared to pay $7, why couldn't we just get $7 worth of cheese? In fact, I'm surprised that the grocery stores don't actually charge that much for the cheese when someone shows up with a voucher. It would be the exact opposite of a coupon in that the price goes up at the register when you show it to the cashier.
One of the problems I encounteted was that, once we got home from our WIC shopping, Chez would take one of the blocks, get a knife and consume the entire block in one sitting. (I'm surprised she didn't just bite directly off the block.) Later, she'd get around to the other block and it would be gone just as quickly. It almost felt like WIC didn't really make that much of a difference in terms of the food supply for the women.
And that's what life is like when you're trying to live on public assistance. It actually is a lot of hard work.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Pretend Marriage #1: Chez, Part 1
(What's a Pretend Marriage? Click here!)
With the post, I am starting the darkest chapter in my life. There were other things that happened to me that were a lot worse, but I count this as the darkest because there was very little relief from the emotional torture I was enduring.
On Tuesday, 01/05/93, Chez, Joad and I arrived at our new apartment in San Diego around 6pm. When we went inside so she could see the apartment for the first time, she asked if I had gotten a twin size bed. I said, no, I'd bought a double size bed. "Oh, good!" I guess she either thought I was going to be cheap on the bed or that I wanted extreme closeness when we were sleeping together.
She seemed to approve of the apartment and the furniture. I brought everything from the car inside. One of the surprising things was that when I opened the microwave, there was a toaster inside. I'd forgotten that I put the toaster there when I moved from Denver.
One of the things I told Chez around this time was that while she and Joad were free to go to the park across the street at any time, she just needed to know that there were homeless people that hung around there all day. She said she wasn't going to take him to the park, then. I told her that the homeless people mostly stayed to themselves and wouldn't bother them, but she still didn't want to go over there. (And I have a feeling they never did go over there. So much for this great location.)
After we put everything from the car away. We went out to get something to eat. Chez put Joad in a stroller and we walked over to the Burger King on El Cajon Blvd. It was lightly raining. We came back home, watched a little TV and went to bed. Chez was concerned about Joad adjusting to the new environment, so she had him sleep in the bed between us. She said she would eventually transition him over to the crib within the next week. I didn't have a problem with that.
The next morning, Chez was playing with Joad. At one point, I tried to hold Chez and kiss her on the cheek. She got kind of mad that I tried to do that while she was playing with her son.
That was the day I had to do maintenance at the theatre, so it meant I didn't have to work at night. Chez stayed home with Joad. After I was done, I came home and we ran over to Lucky to buy groceries. We spent about $80 on food. After putting all the food away, Chez said, "I want to go to Godfather's Pizza." I replied, "We just spent $80 on food. What do you say we eat that before we go out and get pizza." "I DON'T CARE! I WANT GODFATHER'S PIZZA!" Still stinging from the rejected kiss earlier that morning, I agreed, hoping that going out for pizza might change her mood. It didn't.
And this set a precedent. While she was able to make food for herself and Joad at home when I was working, she would want to go out for food after I got home. (In other words, she never made food for me.) Because she wasn't going outside any, the second I got home from work, she wanted to get out of the house and drive around. I always caved in to these demands because I wanted her to be in a good mood. I figured she was homesick, so I thought anything I could do to make her feel better would help.
A couple of weeks into this situation, Joad was still sleeping in the bed with us. Chez made no attempts to have him sleep in the crib. I would ask her when she was going to have him try the crib, but she would keep saying he wasn't ready and continue to have him in our bed. But there were some nights that I would go to bed before her. She and Joad would just fall asleep on the couch. I didn't know which was worse: Having Joad between us or not having Chez share the bed with me at all.
But during all of this, we would still hold hands while we were driving places. I thought that as long as we still had this connection, things were still good between us. All she had to do was get used to her new home, appreciate everything that I'd done for her and Joad and that would turn into loving feelings for me. But it didn't work out like that. About the third week in, she stopped letting me hold her hand. I wondered if she would ever have positive feelings toward me again.
While this was a setback, it was not insurmountable. I remained optimistic that things would improve.
And there was some improvement, but that won't be until later this week. Tomorrow's post will be more downer stuff. There was a lot of that to go around.
With the post, I am starting the darkest chapter in my life. There were other things that happened to me that were a lot worse, but I count this as the darkest because there was very little relief from the emotional torture I was enduring.
On Tuesday, 01/05/93, Chez, Joad and I arrived at our new apartment in San Diego around 6pm. When we went inside so she could see the apartment for the first time, she asked if I had gotten a twin size bed. I said, no, I'd bought a double size bed. "Oh, good!" I guess she either thought I was going to be cheap on the bed or that I wanted extreme closeness when we were sleeping together.
She seemed to approve of the apartment and the furniture. I brought everything from the car inside. One of the surprising things was that when I opened the microwave, there was a toaster inside. I'd forgotten that I put the toaster there when I moved from Denver.
One of the things I told Chez around this time was that while she and Joad were free to go to the park across the street at any time, she just needed to know that there were homeless people that hung around there all day. She said she wasn't going to take him to the park, then. I told her that the homeless people mostly stayed to themselves and wouldn't bother them, but she still didn't want to go over there. (And I have a feeling they never did go over there. So much for this great location.)
After we put everything from the car away. We went out to get something to eat. Chez put Joad in a stroller and we walked over to the Burger King on El Cajon Blvd. It was lightly raining. We came back home, watched a little TV and went to bed. Chez was concerned about Joad adjusting to the new environment, so she had him sleep in the bed between us. She said she would eventually transition him over to the crib within the next week. I didn't have a problem with that.
The next morning, Chez was playing with Joad. At one point, I tried to hold Chez and kiss her on the cheek. She got kind of mad that I tried to do that while she was playing with her son.
That was the day I had to do maintenance at the theatre, so it meant I didn't have to work at night. Chez stayed home with Joad. After I was done, I came home and we ran over to Lucky to buy groceries. We spent about $80 on food. After putting all the food away, Chez said, "I want to go to Godfather's Pizza." I replied, "We just spent $80 on food. What do you say we eat that before we go out and get pizza." "I DON'T CARE! I WANT GODFATHER'S PIZZA!" Still stinging from the rejected kiss earlier that morning, I agreed, hoping that going out for pizza might change her mood. It didn't.
And this set a precedent. While she was able to make food for herself and Joad at home when I was working, she would want to go out for food after I got home. (In other words, she never made food for me.) Because she wasn't going outside any, the second I got home from work, she wanted to get out of the house and drive around. I always caved in to these demands because I wanted her to be in a good mood. I figured she was homesick, so I thought anything I could do to make her feel better would help.
A couple of weeks into this situation, Joad was still sleeping in the bed with us. Chez made no attempts to have him sleep in the crib. I would ask her when she was going to have him try the crib, but she would keep saying he wasn't ready and continue to have him in our bed. But there were some nights that I would go to bed before her. She and Joad would just fall asleep on the couch. I didn't know which was worse: Having Joad between us or not having Chez share the bed with me at all.
But during all of this, we would still hold hands while we were driving places. I thought that as long as we still had this connection, things were still good between us. All she had to do was get used to her new home, appreciate everything that I'd done for her and Joad and that would turn into loving feelings for me. But it didn't work out like that. About the third week in, she stopped letting me hold her hand. I wondered if she would ever have positive feelings toward me again.
While this was a setback, it was not insurmountable. I remained optimistic that things would improve.
And there was some improvement, but that won't be until later this week. Tomorrow's post will be more downer stuff. There was a lot of that to go around.
Friday, March 18, 2016
On our way to our new home
After meeting my parents, Chez, Joad and I got in the car and started driving. We were experiencing a complete rush of emotions during this part of the journey. Usually it feels like it takes forever to drive from Artesia to Las Cruces, but the time just seemed to fly by.
Early in the trip, we did get into a little disagreement. Chez said, "I want to know something. Your brother has red hair, but your Mom and Dad don't..." I knew where this was heading. In my childhood, strangers were constantly coming up to Loyd while my parents were around and asking him where he got his red hair. I didn't think much of it at the time, but when I was an adult, I would read letters to Dear Abby in which it appeared that those strangers were slyly implying that my Mom had gotten pregnant by someone else. Mom and Dad probably knew what was going on, but they just laughed it off around us. I wonder how they really felt when people asked that of Loyd. In response to Chez, I told her, "If you'd met my grandmother, you wouldn't be asking that question." (And Mom and Dad had told Loyd to respond to that question by saying he got it from his grandmother.) But I was only mad about this for a moment and we didn't discuss it any further.
We finally crossed into Arizona and knew that the vast majority of our problems were behind us. We were still riding the high of finally getting to be together. It was around 11pm. I was starting to get tired. We decided to stop and spend the night in Benson, AZ. There was a Motel 6 there. I parked the car and went inside. I told Chez I would be out in a little bit.
While I was checking in at the front desk, Chez and Joad came into the lobby. I guess she'd had enough of being in the car. After I got the key, we still had to go out to the car and drive around to the back of the motel.
We went in and got ready to go to bed. Chez gave Joad a bottle. After he finished, he put his head down and looked like he had fallen asleep. Chez and I started holding and kissing each other. Joad then jolted up and tried to push me away from Chez. We waited again for him to lay his head down and close his eyes. We started up again, only to have him jolt up and interrupt us again.
Finally, he actually fell asleep. Chez and I went to the other bed and made out. Chez asked me why I wouldn't just go ahead and make love with her right then and there. I told her I wasn't ready for that and that I was enjoying this because we hadn't gotten to be together in a long time.
We finally fell asleep. We woke up the next morning and got breakfast, then came back to the motel room. I wanted to leave because we still had about an eight-hour drive ahead of us. Chez wanted to stay and play with Joad in the motel room. So that's what we did. (This was something I didn't grasp the concept of. It was a "Same Planet, Different Worlds" situation. In my world, a motel room is only some place to spend the night. When you wake up, you leave and get back on the road. My parents didn't putter around when we went on our summer road trips. We had to get going to the next destination ASAP. In Chez' world, you try to get your money's worth out of the motel, so you just stay there until housekeeping practically kicks you out. Chez wasn't the only person from this particular world that I came across.)
We got back on the road and held hands almost the entire way. We stopped for gas in Yuma and then at a rest stop before getting to San Diego. Everything was still going well, but it started raining before we arrived.
We got closer to San Diego and were driving along Interstate 8 through El Cajon. Along the way, we saw the hillside depicted in the photo above. You can see the houses on the hillside. It was at this point in our trip that it seemed like I could read Chez' mind. She was looking at those houses and thinking, "Where am I? This is not my home. I cannot call this place my home. This is not the kind of place I want to live. What have I done?" She never said anything, but this was the point at which I could feel everything starting to go downhill.
And that descent continued after we reached the house. I would soon find out that I had made THE BIGGEST MISTAKE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
We'll pick up on Monday.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Chez meets my parents
I woke up the morning of Monday, 01/04/93 in my motel room in Clovis, NM. I was going to bring Chez and Joad back to San Diego with me. Since leaving San Diego almost a day and a third earlier, I hadn't gotten much of a chance to indulge myself. I didn't really stop anywhere along the way, not even at Eastern New Mexico University. Around 7am, I decided to go eat breakfast at one of my favorite diners. This was the same place where I met Saz that one time. (And ironically enough, Saz later became one of Chez' best friends.) I enjoyed my breakfast and my little time to myself. When I got back to the motel, I found that Chez had frantically tried calling me six times. She was panic-stricken that I had left without her.
We hadn't exactly set a time for me to come pick her up and I didn't know she was going to get up so early. I packed my clothes and headed to her grandmother's house. We started loading up my car. After a little bit, it became apparent that, even with the U-Haul carrier and my hatchback, we were not going to be able to load all of her stuff. I still needed to make room for the TV and microwave I was going to get from my Dad's house. We had to leave behind four boxes. (And even if I wasn't getting the TV and microwave, that still would have only been enough room for one more box.) Her family was just going to have to ship it to us later.
Before we left town, we had to stop by her mother's one more time. We hung out for a bit and she got to say goodbye to Joad. When I went to pick up Joad to put him in his seat, he started thrashing his arms about violently and didn't want me to pick him up. I started seeing that being a parent was going to be a lot more challenging than I thought.
When we had planned our trip back to San Diego, Chez did not want to run the risk of driving through Roswell. I told that was fine and we would find another way to get to Artesia to meet my parents. She suggested we drive to Artesia by way of Albuquerque. She had some family there she wanted to see. I guess they had money and she thought they were going to give her some. I told her we didn't have time to spare to drive eight hours out of our way. (But I think she didn't want to meet my parents.) I found a route from Portales through Lovington that would get us into Artesia on the east side.
We left Clovis around 11:30am. I don't recall us stopping anywhere along the way. Chez and I held hands the entire time. We were enjoying the rush of running off together. It felt like there was nothing that could keep us apart now.
One thing she didn't know was that we were going to be driving through the community known as Loco Hills between Lovington and Artesia. Apparently, a couple of Road's brothers lived there, not too far from the highway. Chez was afraid one of them was going to see her in the car. She told me if she'd known we were going to be going through Loco Hills, she would have demanded that we drive through Albuquerque. (Yeah, if we did that, we wouldn't have gone to Artesia to meet my parents.) She hid down in her seat while we drove through, even though I knew there was no possible way that anybody a quarter-mile from the highway was even paying attention to the people in each car going by.
We got into Artesia around 2:45pm. The first thing we did was go to Mom's house. She wasn't home. Her next door neighbor (whom I'd never met before) came out as I was walking back to the car. She told me Mom didn't get out of school until after 3:00. We drove over there, found her car and parked in front of it. We just had to wait for her to come out.
A few minutes later, she appeared. She was completely oblivious to the fact that my car was right in front of hers. Chez and I scrambled to get Joad out of the car. Fortunately, a couple of students went up to Mom and commented on her car, so she didn't start the ignition right away. We started walking toward her. She jolted when she saw me. She rolled down her window. I told her, "Mom, this is Chez and Joad. They're coming out to San Diego to live with me."
Prior to our arrival at the school, Chez and I had discussed what things Mom might ask when she met them. But we had no idea this would be the first thing out of her mouth: "How old are you?" "I'm 20." "No! Really?" I chimed in. "Mom, she's really 20 years old." (It turned out Mom thought she was around 14. Chez only weighed about 85 pounds at the time.) "Anyway, do you want to go to your house so we can talk about this?" "Well, I was going to go to the Post Office and drop off some mail." "Okay, that's not a problem. We'll follow you to the Post Office and then we'll meet back at your house." Mom decided not to go to the Post Office and just drove straight home.
After we got back in the car and left the school, I realized that I had forgotten to tell Mom that Joad was not my son. I worried about what was going through her mind as she was driving home. We parked outside her house and got Joad out of his car seat. Chez told me to carry him into the house. As I walked in, I could finally say, "Mom, I forgot to mention this at the school, but Joad is not my son!" Mom said, "Oh, I wasn't thinking that!" Really?
So we sat down in the living room and talked. I told Mom about how I had known Chez for years, and how I had tried to come see her when I brought Rid down. I told her about how she got pregnant. I said, "It happened while she was under the influence of alcohol..." I was about to say, "...and drugs." However, I realized that while my Mom might tolerate underage drinking, she was very stern about illegal narcotics. So, a little voice inside my head (which almost never appears when I need it) told me to stop right there and hope she would think I had finished the sentence. I guess it worked. I then went on about the domestic violence that sent her to the battered women's shelter and how I came out to get her and Joad.
After I finished the story, Mom started crying. She was mostly upset that Chez and I were going to be living together without being married. The thought never crossed my mind that it would be considered an issue with her. I was wrong. She asked why we didn't go ahead and get married. I told her we just wanted to concentrate on getting them away from Road.
She asked what we were going to do for money. I told her that Chez was probably going to go on welfare. Mom really did not like that. (I recall when I was going to ENMU in the summer of 1983. She asked what I was going to do for food. I was going to purchase a booklet of pre-paid food coupons that could be used at the Coffee Shop in the basement of the Campus Union Building. Students always referred to them as "food stamps." When I told her I was getting "food stamps," she told me flat-out "No!" No child of hers was going to go on food stamps. I then had to explain that I was talking about the pre-paid program. She relented after that.) She also didn't seem to like that we were going to be living in an apartment. "He needs to run around! Where's he going to play?" "Mom, that's not a problem. We live right across the street from a park." I guess Mom was surprised that I had kind of worked everything out.
Mom's tears started flowing a lot less. She said that Joad was adorable and asked to hold him. Chez let her. Mom said that earlier that day, she wished that she had a grandchild, but hadn't expected this.
Then Mom started talking about an issue with my high school class ring. I asked her what she was talking about. She said that she had gotten a phone call from a local pawn shop. Somebody had sold them a class ring. When they looked at it, they found my name engraved inside. Mom was the only Ogolon listed in the phone book, so they called her to see if she wanted to buy the ring. I guess she had to pay $50 for it. She was originally going to give it to me for Christmas, but she was going to wait until my birthday to surprise me with it.
I told Mom that I had given that ring to Chez more than four years earlier. Chez said she thought she had lost it, but now knew that it had been stolen from her and she knew who had taken it. (It was some other guy friend of hers, not Road.) Mom went and got the ring and I gave it back to Chez. I was rather stunned by this coincidence.
We needed to go see Dad. Mom recommended I call over to his house first in case he wasn't there. I called and my brother Loyd picked up the phone. Dad wasn't there. I asked Loyd to have Dad call me at Mom's when he got back. This meant that Chez was going to meet Loyd as well.
While we were waiting for Dad to call, we all had something to eat at Mom's house. During this time, Mom had been renting out her guest bedroom to another teacher. The last time I came home for Thanksgiving, the woman was out of town. She came home while we were still there. This would be the only time I got to meet her. (She didn't stay past the school year.) This meant she got to hear the story. Mom said that after we'd left, the teacher thought I was crazy for doing this. Yeah, she was right.
Dad finally called and I told him I was coming over with some people to meet. We got ready to go. Mom asked if we were going to come back after we went to Dad's. I said no. She asked "Why not?" "Mom, we have to get out of the state tonight. We really don't have a lot of time to blow." I gave Mom our new address and phone number and left. I also gave her the phone number for Chez' father. (However, she never did call him. That was probably a good thing.)
We went over to Dad's. Gred and Loyd were there, along with Loyd's girlfriend, who was cooking dinner. (This would be the only time I would meet that girlfriend.) I told them the whole story, but without the awkward pause describing how Chez wound up getting pregnant. After I had finished, Dad said, "Well, that's great!" He and Gred appeared to be very happy for us. Gred thought the story was very romantic.
Loyd said later that after he'd gotten off the phone with me, he knew who I was bringing over and told his girlfriend what was going to happen.
I told Dad we needed to get the TV and microwave I had left behind after I'd moved to San Diego. We went out into the garage to get them. While we were out there, Dad gave me some money. I was very grateful for that.
After loading the TV and microwave into the car,e said our goodbyes and left. We were setting off on a new adventure.
I'll conclude the trip home tomorrow.
We hadn't exactly set a time for me to come pick her up and I didn't know she was going to get up so early. I packed my clothes and headed to her grandmother's house. We started loading up my car. After a little bit, it became apparent that, even with the U-Haul carrier and my hatchback, we were not going to be able to load all of her stuff. I still needed to make room for the TV and microwave I was going to get from my Dad's house. We had to leave behind four boxes. (And even if I wasn't getting the TV and microwave, that still would have only been enough room for one more box.) Her family was just going to have to ship it to us later.
Before we left town, we had to stop by her mother's one more time. We hung out for a bit and she got to say goodbye to Joad. When I went to pick up Joad to put him in his seat, he started thrashing his arms about violently and didn't want me to pick him up. I started seeing that being a parent was going to be a lot more challenging than I thought.
When we had planned our trip back to San Diego, Chez did not want to run the risk of driving through Roswell. I told that was fine and we would find another way to get to Artesia to meet my parents. She suggested we drive to Artesia by way of Albuquerque. She had some family there she wanted to see. I guess they had money and she thought they were going to give her some. I told her we didn't have time to spare to drive eight hours out of our way. (But I think she didn't want to meet my parents.) I found a route from Portales through Lovington that would get us into Artesia on the east side.
We left Clovis around 11:30am. I don't recall us stopping anywhere along the way. Chez and I held hands the entire time. We were enjoying the rush of running off together. It felt like there was nothing that could keep us apart now.
One thing she didn't know was that we were going to be driving through the community known as Loco Hills between Lovington and Artesia. Apparently, a couple of Road's brothers lived there, not too far from the highway. Chez was afraid one of them was going to see her in the car. She told me if she'd known we were going to be going through Loco Hills, she would have demanded that we drive through Albuquerque. (Yeah, if we did that, we wouldn't have gone to Artesia to meet my parents.) She hid down in her seat while we drove through, even though I knew there was no possible way that anybody a quarter-mile from the highway was even paying attention to the people in each car going by.
We got into Artesia around 2:45pm. The first thing we did was go to Mom's house. She wasn't home. Her next door neighbor (whom I'd never met before) came out as I was walking back to the car. She told me Mom didn't get out of school until after 3:00. We drove over there, found her car and parked in front of it. We just had to wait for her to come out.
A few minutes later, she appeared. She was completely oblivious to the fact that my car was right in front of hers. Chez and I scrambled to get Joad out of the car. Fortunately, a couple of students went up to Mom and commented on her car, so she didn't start the ignition right away. We started walking toward her. She jolted when she saw me. She rolled down her window. I told her, "Mom, this is Chez and Joad. They're coming out to San Diego to live with me."
Prior to our arrival at the school, Chez and I had discussed what things Mom might ask when she met them. But we had no idea this would be the first thing out of her mouth: "How old are you?" "I'm 20." "No! Really?" I chimed in. "Mom, she's really 20 years old." (It turned out Mom thought she was around 14. Chez only weighed about 85 pounds at the time.) "Anyway, do you want to go to your house so we can talk about this?" "Well, I was going to go to the Post Office and drop off some mail." "Okay, that's not a problem. We'll follow you to the Post Office and then we'll meet back at your house." Mom decided not to go to the Post Office and just drove straight home.
After we got back in the car and left the school, I realized that I had forgotten to tell Mom that Joad was not my son. I worried about what was going through her mind as she was driving home. We parked outside her house and got Joad out of his car seat. Chez told me to carry him into the house. As I walked in, I could finally say, "Mom, I forgot to mention this at the school, but Joad is not my son!" Mom said, "Oh, I wasn't thinking that!" Really?
So we sat down in the living room and talked. I told Mom about how I had known Chez for years, and how I had tried to come see her when I brought Rid down. I told her about how she got pregnant. I said, "It happened while she was under the influence of alcohol..." I was about to say, "...and drugs." However, I realized that while my Mom might tolerate underage drinking, she was very stern about illegal narcotics. So, a little voice inside my head (which almost never appears when I need it) told me to stop right there and hope she would think I had finished the sentence. I guess it worked. I then went on about the domestic violence that sent her to the battered women's shelter and how I came out to get her and Joad.
After I finished the story, Mom started crying. She was mostly upset that Chez and I were going to be living together without being married. The thought never crossed my mind that it would be considered an issue with her. I was wrong. She asked why we didn't go ahead and get married. I told her we just wanted to concentrate on getting them away from Road.
She asked what we were going to do for money. I told her that Chez was probably going to go on welfare. Mom really did not like that. (I recall when I was going to ENMU in the summer of 1983. She asked what I was going to do for food. I was going to purchase a booklet of pre-paid food coupons that could be used at the Coffee Shop in the basement of the Campus Union Building. Students always referred to them as "food stamps." When I told her I was getting "food stamps," she told me flat-out "No!" No child of hers was going to go on food stamps. I then had to explain that I was talking about the pre-paid program. She relented after that.) She also didn't seem to like that we were going to be living in an apartment. "He needs to run around! Where's he going to play?" "Mom, that's not a problem. We live right across the street from a park." I guess Mom was surprised that I had kind of worked everything out.
Mom's tears started flowing a lot less. She said that Joad was adorable and asked to hold him. Chez let her. Mom said that earlier that day, she wished that she had a grandchild, but hadn't expected this.
Then Mom started talking about an issue with my high school class ring. I asked her what she was talking about. She said that she had gotten a phone call from a local pawn shop. Somebody had sold them a class ring. When they looked at it, they found my name engraved inside. Mom was the only Ogolon listed in the phone book, so they called her to see if she wanted to buy the ring. I guess she had to pay $50 for it. She was originally going to give it to me for Christmas, but she was going to wait until my birthday to surprise me with it.
I told Mom that I had given that ring to Chez more than four years earlier. Chez said she thought she had lost it, but now knew that it had been stolen from her and she knew who had taken it. (It was some other guy friend of hers, not Road.) Mom went and got the ring and I gave it back to Chez. I was rather stunned by this coincidence.
We needed to go see Dad. Mom recommended I call over to his house first in case he wasn't there. I called and my brother Loyd picked up the phone. Dad wasn't there. I asked Loyd to have Dad call me at Mom's when he got back. This meant that Chez was going to meet Loyd as well.
While we were waiting for Dad to call, we all had something to eat at Mom's house. During this time, Mom had been renting out her guest bedroom to another teacher. The last time I came home for Thanksgiving, the woman was out of town. She came home while we were still there. This would be the only time I got to meet her. (She didn't stay past the school year.) This meant she got to hear the story. Mom said that after we'd left, the teacher thought I was crazy for doing this. Yeah, she was right.
Dad finally called and I told him I was coming over with some people to meet. We got ready to go. Mom asked if we were going to come back after we went to Dad's. I said no. She asked "Why not?" "Mom, we have to get out of the state tonight. We really don't have a lot of time to blow." I gave Mom our new address and phone number and left. I also gave her the phone number for Chez' father. (However, she never did call him. That was probably a good thing.)
We went over to Dad's. Gred and Loyd were there, along with Loyd's girlfriend, who was cooking dinner. (This would be the only time I would meet that girlfriend.) I told them the whole story, but without the awkward pause describing how Chez wound up getting pregnant. After I had finished, Dad said, "Well, that's great!" He and Gred appeared to be very happy for us. Gred thought the story was very romantic.
Loyd said later that after he'd gotten off the phone with me, he knew who I was bringing over and told his girlfriend what was going to happen.
I told Dad we needed to get the TV and microwave I had left behind after I'd moved to San Diego. We went out into the garage to get them. While we were out there, Dad gave me some money. I was very grateful for that.
After loading the TV and microwave into the car,e said our goodbyes and left. We were setting off on a new adventure.
I'll conclude the trip home tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Racing toward my destiny
On Saturday, 01/02/93, I had loaded the bed, crib and sleeper sofa in my house. Earlier in the morning, I had driven by the U-Haul place where I was renting a car-top carrier to load all of Chez' stuff to bring back to San Diego. At that time, I saw an unusual sight. There was a U-Haul truck that had crossed the street and crashed into the Lucky Supermarket. While there was no structural damage or injuries, there were a couple of police cars there. When I went by later to pick up the carrier, I asked what had happened. They told me that the person who had rented the truck had slipped it into neutral and got out of the truck. It started rolling across the street and the person just stood there and watched. They were pretty upset about it.
After they put the carrier on top of my car and strapped it down, I had to do a full day of work at the Hillcrest Cinemas. I couldn't wait for that day to end. I got off at 10pm and set out right away to drive to Clovis, NM to pick up Chez and Joad.
My plan was to drive to Yuma, AZ, find a motel and spend the night. However, this was New Year's weekend, so I had a lot of trouble finding a room. Most of them had their "No Vacancy" lights on. I went to one motel that didn't, but they were charging $60 for one person. I decided to just go ahead and keep driving until I got tired and find a rest stop. I slept in the back seat. I was only able to get about four hours' worth. I woke up around 6am, when the sun started shining. I just got up and started driving. Along the way, I figured that was a really good way to save money if I ever drove from San Diego to Artesia again by myself. I really didn't need to stay in a motel. And I gained more time in the day to get to my destination. If I'd been in a motel, I probably would have slept for a full eight hours.
I stopped in Tuscon and ate at a Waffle House. When I pulled up, this man and his family were leaving. He asked me if I had been at the rest stop earlier. I guess he happened to be parked in front of me there. He asked me if it had been raining by the time I left. I'm guessing they'd had trouble finding a motel room, too, and spent the night at the rest stop.
I continued my drive toward Clovis. Along the way, I went through Las Cruces. I'd had trouble the last couple of times I'd driven through, because the signs from Interstate 10 direct me to take this one exit for highway 70 toward Alamogordo. Both times I took that exit, I found myself having to drive through the middle of town, where there are a lot of stop lights along the way. But while I was getting close to the end of town, I would pass by an exit for Interstate 25. I wondered if there was a connector from I-10 to I-25. I decided to keep driving past that exit this time to see where the Interstate would take me. I found I was right. I was able to get onto I-25 and head north to that exit to Highway 70 toward Alamogordo. Now, it probably took me ten miles out of my way, but it probably saved me 30 minutes of driving on the streets. I wondered why they didn't just post a sign that said, "If you don't feel like going through the second largest city in New Mexico to get to the ninth largest city, just keep driving and take I-25 North!" (Years later, I noticed they put a Truck Route sign up. I guess they were doing a lot of road work on the city streets and they wanted to discourage trucks from driving through. One of the issues with driving around there was that you go right by the New Mexico State University campus and there's a lot of pedestrian traffic. I can't imagine anything more dangerous than trucks trying to beat deadlines driving on the streets because they didn't figure out the first time they they could have avoided all that.)
Even though I had saved myself a half hour of driving on the way to Alamogordo, it sort of became a moot point because they had the mountain pass closed while Holloman AFB was running test flights. Law enforcement had us pulled over for about an hour before we were allowed to continue on our way. This was the first time I'd ever gotten caught up in that. (And it wouldn't be the last.) I remember the DJ on the local radio station thanked us for tuning in while the tests were going on.
I drove through Alamogordo and Tularosa and didn't even try to get a hold of Kird or Abed. I just didn't have time like that to blow. I continued through Roswell and Portales before arriving in Clovis and checking into the Motel 6. While I was there, I took a shower, shaved and changed my clothes. I wanted to look good for Chez as we started our new lives together.
Before I went over to see her, I decided to try to call up Kyz. (This was that time she thought "Gabe" was calling.) I told her what was going on with me and Chez. She seemed really happy for me.
Originally, I had anticipated arriving in Clovis around 9pm and this was what I told Chez to expect. But because I only slept for four hours in the car, I had finished up getting ready in the motel room by around 6:30pm. I was ready to go see her. She told me she was going to be at her great-aunt's house. I went over there, but all the lights were off. I lightly knocked on the door, but there was no answer. I figured Chez would be at her grandmother's house, about a block away.
Something I have to mention right now is that the whole time I was driving from San Diego to Clovis, I had a very romantic vision in my head of what was going to happen when Chez saw me for the first time. I imagined knocking on the door, her opening it and giving me the biggest hug that she had ever given in her life. I was going to tell her that everything was going to be okay from now on and that we would just hold each other for at least a full minute.
This was going through my mind when I knocked on the door. Her grandmother opened the door. Even though she'd met me several times before, she just gave me a stern look and asked, "Can I help you?" "Is Chez here?" "Who wants to know?" I started to think that Chez wasn't even there and that her grandmother had no idea what was going on. I was going to have to go back to the motel and drive home because no one told me about the change in plans. But I responded, "I'm Fayd." Her grandmother motioned for me to come in.
When I entered the house, I saw Chez sitting in a chair right next to the front door. I then saw one of her aunts in the living room, holding Joad. The first thing out of Chez' mouth was, "What did you do? Fly?" She sounded kind of irritated that I had gotten there two hours earlier than expected. I explained that it didn't take as long to drive as I thought it would. I continued to stand there and wait for her to get up out of her chair and give me a hug. But she remained seated, watching TV. The movie "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" was on.
Spoiler alert: This would be my first indication that things were not going to go the way I expected. (Actually it was the third indication. The first was that she wasn't at her great-aunt's and the second was her grandmother giving me the third degree. But this was the first time I actually contemplated it.) I went over and sat down next to her aunt and Joad. Her aunt asked me if I wanted to hold Joad. Yeah, I wanted to. I needed to get my first feel for being a father. He seemed to like me okay.
Chez wanted to put a few items in the car and asked me to help carry them. We talked a little bit while we were there. After I had shut the hatchback, I said to her, "Hey! I need a hug." We embraced for a little bit and walked back toward the house. We held hands. Before we went inside, she stood up on the porch a step ahead of me, turned around and kissed me. I had forgotten how soft her lips were. It made me forget I was upset that she hadn't bothered to get out of her chair when I first arrived.
We went back inside. Chez said we were going to go out and meet her mother. Her grandmother and aunt were going to watch Joad while we were out. I'd never met her mother before, so I didn't know what to expect. I knew that her mother had some behavioral health issues, and hadn't really been a part of Chez' life for several years.
Her mother looked a lot like her sister Kiz, but older and heavier. I also met her husband. He was kind of nerdy, in an Uncle Hed kind of way. I appeared to get along with them at this first meeting. At one point, Chez' mom asked her to come talk to her in the kitchen. They were in there a couple of minutes. When they came out, they were laughing a little bit and her mom said, "I'll be looking forward to that!"
After we left, Chez told me that when she went into the kitchen, her mother started crying because of everything that was going on. She needed to compose herself enough to come back out into the living room. Before they left the kitchen, Chez told her mother that we would be getting married at some point in the future. That was what her mother was referring to when they came out.
I drove Chez back to her grandmother's and dropped her off. I went back to my motel room and contemplated what was going to happen next.
You'll find out about that tomorrow.
After they put the carrier on top of my car and strapped it down, I had to do a full day of work at the Hillcrest Cinemas. I couldn't wait for that day to end. I got off at 10pm and set out right away to drive to Clovis, NM to pick up Chez and Joad.
My plan was to drive to Yuma, AZ, find a motel and spend the night. However, this was New Year's weekend, so I had a lot of trouble finding a room. Most of them had their "No Vacancy" lights on. I went to one motel that didn't, but they were charging $60 for one person. I decided to just go ahead and keep driving until I got tired and find a rest stop. I slept in the back seat. I was only able to get about four hours' worth. I woke up around 6am, when the sun started shining. I just got up and started driving. Along the way, I figured that was a really good way to save money if I ever drove from San Diego to Artesia again by myself. I really didn't need to stay in a motel. And I gained more time in the day to get to my destination. If I'd been in a motel, I probably would have slept for a full eight hours.
I stopped in Tuscon and ate at a Waffle House. When I pulled up, this man and his family were leaving. He asked me if I had been at the rest stop earlier. I guess he happened to be parked in front of me there. He asked me if it had been raining by the time I left. I'm guessing they'd had trouble finding a motel room, too, and spent the night at the rest stop.
I continued my drive toward Clovis. Along the way, I went through Las Cruces. I'd had trouble the last couple of times I'd driven through, because the signs from Interstate 10 direct me to take this one exit for highway 70 toward Alamogordo. Both times I took that exit, I found myself having to drive through the middle of town, where there are a lot of stop lights along the way. But while I was getting close to the end of town, I would pass by an exit for Interstate 25. I wondered if there was a connector from I-10 to I-25. I decided to keep driving past that exit this time to see where the Interstate would take me. I found I was right. I was able to get onto I-25 and head north to that exit to Highway 70 toward Alamogordo. Now, it probably took me ten miles out of my way, but it probably saved me 30 minutes of driving on the streets. I wondered why they didn't just post a sign that said, "If you don't feel like going through the second largest city in New Mexico to get to the ninth largest city, just keep driving and take I-25 North!" (Years later, I noticed they put a Truck Route sign up. I guess they were doing a lot of road work on the city streets and they wanted to discourage trucks from driving through. One of the issues with driving around there was that you go right by the New Mexico State University campus and there's a lot of pedestrian traffic. I can't imagine anything more dangerous than trucks trying to beat deadlines driving on the streets because they didn't figure out the first time they they could have avoided all that.)
Even though I had saved myself a half hour of driving on the way to Alamogordo, it sort of became a moot point because they had the mountain pass closed while Holloman AFB was running test flights. Law enforcement had us pulled over for about an hour before we were allowed to continue on our way. This was the first time I'd ever gotten caught up in that. (And it wouldn't be the last.) I remember the DJ on the local radio station thanked us for tuning in while the tests were going on.
I drove through Alamogordo and Tularosa and didn't even try to get a hold of Kird or Abed. I just didn't have time like that to blow. I continued through Roswell and Portales before arriving in Clovis and checking into the Motel 6. While I was there, I took a shower, shaved and changed my clothes. I wanted to look good for Chez as we started our new lives together.
Before I went over to see her, I decided to try to call up Kyz. (This was that time she thought "Gabe" was calling.) I told her what was going on with me and Chez. She seemed really happy for me.
Originally, I had anticipated arriving in Clovis around 9pm and this was what I told Chez to expect. But because I only slept for four hours in the car, I had finished up getting ready in the motel room by around 6:30pm. I was ready to go see her. She told me she was going to be at her great-aunt's house. I went over there, but all the lights were off. I lightly knocked on the door, but there was no answer. I figured Chez would be at her grandmother's house, about a block away.
Something I have to mention right now is that the whole time I was driving from San Diego to Clovis, I had a very romantic vision in my head of what was going to happen when Chez saw me for the first time. I imagined knocking on the door, her opening it and giving me the biggest hug that she had ever given in her life. I was going to tell her that everything was going to be okay from now on and that we would just hold each other for at least a full minute.
This was going through my mind when I knocked on the door. Her grandmother opened the door. Even though she'd met me several times before, she just gave me a stern look and asked, "Can I help you?" "Is Chez here?" "Who wants to know?" I started to think that Chez wasn't even there and that her grandmother had no idea what was going on. I was going to have to go back to the motel and drive home because no one told me about the change in plans. But I responded, "I'm Fayd." Her grandmother motioned for me to come in.
When I entered the house, I saw Chez sitting in a chair right next to the front door. I then saw one of her aunts in the living room, holding Joad. The first thing out of Chez' mouth was, "What did you do? Fly?" She sounded kind of irritated that I had gotten there two hours earlier than expected. I explained that it didn't take as long to drive as I thought it would. I continued to stand there and wait for her to get up out of her chair and give me a hug. But she remained seated, watching TV. The movie "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" was on.
Spoiler alert: This would be my first indication that things were not going to go the way I expected. (Actually it was the third indication. The first was that she wasn't at her great-aunt's and the second was her grandmother giving me the third degree. But this was the first time I actually contemplated it.) I went over and sat down next to her aunt and Joad. Her aunt asked me if I wanted to hold Joad. Yeah, I wanted to. I needed to get my first feel for being a father. He seemed to like me okay.
Chez wanted to put a few items in the car and asked me to help carry them. We talked a little bit while we were there. After I had shut the hatchback, I said to her, "Hey! I need a hug." We embraced for a little bit and walked back toward the house. We held hands. Before we went inside, she stood up on the porch a step ahead of me, turned around and kissed me. I had forgotten how soft her lips were. It made me forget I was upset that she hadn't bothered to get out of her chair when I first arrived.
We went back inside. Chez said we were going to go out and meet her mother. Her grandmother and aunt were going to watch Joad while we were out. I'd never met her mother before, so I didn't know what to expect. I knew that her mother had some behavioral health issues, and hadn't really been a part of Chez' life for several years.
Her mother looked a lot like her sister Kiz, but older and heavier. I also met her husband. He was kind of nerdy, in an Uncle Hed kind of way. I appeared to get along with them at this first meeting. At one point, Chez' mom asked her to come talk to her in the kitchen. They were in there a couple of minutes. When they came out, they were laughing a little bit and her mom said, "I'll be looking forward to that!"
After we left, Chez told me that when she went into the kitchen, her mother started crying because of everything that was going on. She needed to compose herself enough to come back out into the living room. Before they left the kitchen, Chez told her mother that we would be getting married at some point in the future. That was what her mother was referring to when they came out.
I drove Chez back to her grandmother's and dropped her off. I went back to my motel room and contemplated what was going to happen next.
You'll find out about that tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Apartment #5: 4069 Idaho St., San Diego, CA (1993)
When I was looking for an apartment for Chez, Joad and me to live in, I was hoping I could find something that didn't cost much more than what I was paying in December of 1992. During my search, I found an ad for a studio apartment for $295 a month. I was hoping the studio would be as large as my old apartment in Denver. I called the landlord and asked if the apartment was large enough for two adults and a 15-month-old child. The landlord swore up and down that it was large enough. He told me I could just go to the address on my own and check it out, since the door was open. I went in and found that he had misled me. The main room was slightly larger than the studio where I was currently living in. The only difference was that the bathroom had a full-sized tub. On top of that, the apartment was pretty much in disrepair. I had no choice but to never call that landlord back again.
So, I realized that I was going to probably have to pay about $100 more for a one-bedroom. I found this place on Idaho Street, no far from where I lived. It was just a couple of streets east and close to University Avenue. It was $400 a month. When I called, I was instructed to see the person in one of the apartments and he would let me in to look at it. I was impressed by the exterior, with that classy-looking "Corinthian Apartments" sign on the outside. After being let in, the living room was very nice. The kitchen had a dishwasher. What surprised me was going into the back and seeing a bedroom. I had been so used to my studio, I forgot that this apartment would have an extra room. I knew right away that I wanted to rent this place.
In addition, there was a park right across the street. This would be a great place for Joad to go out and run around from time to time. I couldn't believe how great this apartment was.
I went over to the property management company. They had me pay money so they could do a credit check. This was the first time I had to shell out money for someone to do a credit check. There was a move-in deal for one month's free rent. But it worked like this: You paid half of the regular amount for the first month and then half of the regular amount for the sixth month. It was still a good deal. My credit check was approved and I paid the deposit and half the first month's rent. I was ready to move in.
I brought my stuff over from the old apartment on 01/31/92. I was setting up my things in the apartment as the clock hit midnight and the new year rang in. I remember I was listening to 91X finish up its year-end countdown of the tops songs of 1992 and U2's "One" has been selected as the most popular choice. I went to sleep pretty soon after that.
When I woke up the next morning, I needed to get something to eat. Even though I was a couple of blocks away from El Cajon Boulevard, almost all the fast food restaurants were closed for New Year's Day. I was fortunate enough to find that Jack in the Box was open.
The next day, my co-worker Tond was kind enough to bring his pickup over so we could get the furniture and crib and bring them back to the apartment. The first thing we found out was that we couldn't get the crib through the door in the bedroom. I was going to have to take it apart and re-assemble it in the bedroom. Even though I was going to be leaving that night, I had the furniture set up the way I wanted it. However, I still had my belongings scattered all over the apartment. I was just going to have to deal with that when I came back in a few days with Chez and Joad.
What happened next will be the subject of the next several posts, but I only lived in that apartment for seven months. (Yeah, SPOILER ALERT! That thing between me and Chez did not work out. As if you were surprised by that.) I had to move out because I had been fired from the Hillcrest Cinemas.
This was probably one of the most normal apartments I've ever lived in. There weren't any quirks worth noting. I didn't really get a chance to know the neighbors that well. It was mostly older people when I first moved in.
The only real problem was that, after I moved out, the property management company charged me $25 for cleaning the oven when we never even used it. (We only used the burners.) However, I had to stop griping when I realized they didn't charge me for breaking a towel rack in the bathroom. So, I pretty much came out even on that.
It was a very nice apartment and very difficult to leave and move into a roommate situation. Especially considering that I only ever got the apartment all to myself for the last two months I lived there.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Preparing for a big change
After getting those life-changing calls from Chez and her father, I spent the next couple of weeks searching for apartments and furniture. I found a one bedroom for about $400 a month. I then found a double-sized bed and a sleeper sofa that were both used, so I was able to get a good price on them. The last thing I needed to find was a crib. I looked all around all the used furniture stores in the North Park neighborhood. I went into a thrift store called "Safari Seconds." In the back was a wooden crib with a mattress. I asked the owner how much it was. I heard him say "$30." However, the store didn't take credit cards and my cash was in my apartment. (This was during a ten-year period in my life in which I didn't have a checking account.) I told him I would be back on Monday to try to buy the crib if it was still there. I went out to a couple of other places. I found another place that sold a similar crib for $120. I thought for a moment. Did the man say $30, or $130? He had an accent, so it was possible that I didn't hear him correctly. I had to worry about that for the entire weekend.
I showed up on Monday with the money. When I got there, the owner wasn't there. I had to wait a few minutes. When he came in, he confirmed that he had, indeed, said $30. I paid the money and told him I would be in that Saturday morning to pick it up. I had arranged with Tond to assist me in picking up the used bed and sleeper sofa I had found along with the crib.
All during this, Chez would call me collect every night I wasn't working. One of the things we had discussed was our future together as a couple and family. I asked her if she had the idea that we were going to get married right away. She said that we wouldn't get married before she came out, but that we would eventually have to. She wanted me to adopt Joad. I didn't see that as a problem, but I was glad that we weren't going to be husband and wife right off the bat. I was just barely getting used to the idea of having a family. I wasn't ready to plunge right in and make everything official.
She told me that she wished she had thought about naming me as the father when Joad was born. She thought that if she did, she'd never have to deal with Road. I told her I wouldn't have minded if she had done that. (I didn't know this at the time, but if she claimed I was the father and went on public assistance, they would have been coming after me for child support. I would have had to go back out to New Mexico to do a DNA test to prove I wasn't the father and she would have been back at square one with Road.)
She told me about the other women at the shelter. There was one woman who, even though the victims were only permitted to stay there one month, had been there for six. Chez said the other women were rather jealous of her because she had someplace to go when her month was up. They had no idea what was going to happen to them and they had to scramble to find some relative who would be willing to take them in.
She also told me about her caseworker at the shelter. Her name was Kijd. Kijd had been a victim of domestic violence herself and had been through the system before. Chez frequently would go on and on about how wonderful Kijd was and how much Joad really took to her. She told me about how she and some of the other women had gone out shopping one night and when she returned, Joad had fallen asleep on her while she was rocking him. She said Joad had never done that with anyone else.
One interesting tidbit I had found out about was Chez' ability to get on welfare once she came out to California. I had told Knod's mother what was going on. She worked as a nurse and told me that because Chez was a documented victim of domestic violence, she would not have to go through a waiting period before getting on welfare. She would immediately qualify for benefits. She would just have to bring documentation to the welfare office to support the claim. While I really didn't want her going on welfare in San Diego, I could see that trying to get her to work for a living was going to be pretty fruitless since she had refused to work up to this point.
This whole time, her parents had to constantly deal with Road coming over and bugging them about Chez' and Joad's whereabouts. For whatever reason, he didn't get arrested nor charged with any crime for throwing Chez up against the oven. They actually gave in to his demand that he see his son for Christmas. While this went against the wishes of the women in charge of the shelter, Chez agreed to it so that Road would hopefully get out of her parents' hair.
While everyone was apparently civil during that holiday get-together, Road did threaten to file a restraining order to keep Chez from leaving the state. Of course, I don't know why he thought that was going to do any good, considering a restraining order had been put out on him and he had no problem violating it, even at the risk of getting his son kicked to the curb from low-income housing (which eventually happened).
Chez and I continued to work on the details of me coming to get her and Joad. The plan was that I would be start driving toward New Mexico on Saturday, 01/02/93 after I got off work at 10pm. I would arrive in New Mexico the next evening. Her parents were going to drive her and Joad from Roswell to Clovis with all their stuff. I would then drive to Clovis and pick them up. We would go to Artesia so she could meet my parents before we went on to San Diego.
And I will be getting to that journey within the next couple of posts. You'll have to wait until then to see what happened with those plans.
I showed up on Monday with the money. When I got there, the owner wasn't there. I had to wait a few minutes. When he came in, he confirmed that he had, indeed, said $30. I paid the money and told him I would be in that Saturday morning to pick it up. I had arranged with Tond to assist me in picking up the used bed and sleeper sofa I had found along with the crib.
All during this, Chez would call me collect every night I wasn't working. One of the things we had discussed was our future together as a couple and family. I asked her if she had the idea that we were going to get married right away. She said that we wouldn't get married before she came out, but that we would eventually have to. She wanted me to adopt Joad. I didn't see that as a problem, but I was glad that we weren't going to be husband and wife right off the bat. I was just barely getting used to the idea of having a family. I wasn't ready to plunge right in and make everything official.
She told me that she wished she had thought about naming me as the father when Joad was born. She thought that if she did, she'd never have to deal with Road. I told her I wouldn't have minded if she had done that. (I didn't know this at the time, but if she claimed I was the father and went on public assistance, they would have been coming after me for child support. I would have had to go back out to New Mexico to do a DNA test to prove I wasn't the father and she would have been back at square one with Road.)
She told me about the other women at the shelter. There was one woman who, even though the victims were only permitted to stay there one month, had been there for six. Chez said the other women were rather jealous of her because she had someplace to go when her month was up. They had no idea what was going to happen to them and they had to scramble to find some relative who would be willing to take them in.
She also told me about her caseworker at the shelter. Her name was Kijd. Kijd had been a victim of domestic violence herself and had been through the system before. Chez frequently would go on and on about how wonderful Kijd was and how much Joad really took to her. She told me about how she and some of the other women had gone out shopping one night and when she returned, Joad had fallen asleep on her while she was rocking him. She said Joad had never done that with anyone else.
One interesting tidbit I had found out about was Chez' ability to get on welfare once she came out to California. I had told Knod's mother what was going on. She worked as a nurse and told me that because Chez was a documented victim of domestic violence, she would not have to go through a waiting period before getting on welfare. She would immediately qualify for benefits. She would just have to bring documentation to the welfare office to support the claim. While I really didn't want her going on welfare in San Diego, I could see that trying to get her to work for a living was going to be pretty fruitless since she had refused to work up to this point.
This whole time, her parents had to constantly deal with Road coming over and bugging them about Chez' and Joad's whereabouts. For whatever reason, he didn't get arrested nor charged with any crime for throwing Chez up against the oven. They actually gave in to his demand that he see his son for Christmas. While this went against the wishes of the women in charge of the shelter, Chez agreed to it so that Road would hopefully get out of her parents' hair.
While everyone was apparently civil during that holiday get-together, Road did threaten to file a restraining order to keep Chez from leaving the state. Of course, I don't know why he thought that was going to do any good, considering a restraining order had been put out on him and he had no problem violating it, even at the risk of getting his son kicked to the curb from low-income housing (which eventually happened).
Chez and I continued to work on the details of me coming to get her and Joad. The plan was that I would be start driving toward New Mexico on Saturday, 01/02/93 after I got off work at 10pm. I would arrive in New Mexico the next evening. Her parents were going to drive her and Joad from Roswell to Clovis with all their stuff. I would then drive to Clovis and pick them up. We would go to Artesia so she could meet my parents before we went on to San Diego.
And I will be getting to that journey within the next couple of posts. You'll have to wait until then to see what happened with those plans.
Friday, March 11, 2016
An Unfriendly Situation
I've been irritated with a certain situation that's been going on the last couple of years and I have finally done something about it.
The bad thing is that the person this affects will likely have no idea what happened.
The bad thing is that the person this affects will likely have no idea what happened.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
The aftermath of my unexpected vacation
After the highs I had experienced in Vegas, it was hard to come back home and go to work again. I couldn't wait until my next vacation so that I could do that again. But I had to get back to reality.
One thing I had found that was that Abed had kind of gone a little crazy over Colz after I last saw him. I heard that he was trying to come back to San Diego and had sent her a message that said, "I'm coming for you!" It made me kind of glad I didn't stop to see him in Tularosa on my way to Vegas. Otherwise, he would have told me that I needed to bring him back, right away! He would have grabbed his stuff and hopped in the car. THAT would have been our first trip to Vegas. (We did one years later.) Colz supposedly freaked out after she got the message about him returning. I only ever saw her one more time at the Hillcrest Cinemas after that and she didn't have anything to say to me. As it turned out, Abed came back out to San Diego about a year later, but I don't think he tried to track down Colz when he did.
The other big thing that happened was a week and a half after I'd come home. My phone rang and I picked it up. "Is this Fayd?" "Yes." "This is Chez' father. Listen, Road beat up Chez really bad today..." My first thought was that Chez was either dead or in the hospital. I didn't know what was going to come out of his mouth next, but he continued. "...and she called the cops and has checked into a battered women's shelter here in Roswell." (Okaaaaay...) "She wants to know if you'll still have her and if she and Joad can move out to San Diego with you."
I did not have any time to process everything he was telling me. All I knew was that it meant that Chez still loved me and was willing to move out to San Diego to be with me. I know there was no hesitation between the end of his question and me answering, "Yes!"
He told me that Chez would be allowed to stay at the shelter for one month. That meant I had one month to get everything in place for her to move out here. I was going to have to find a new apartment. I was going to have to buy furniture. I was going to have to get my hands on a crib. I was going to have to go to U-Haul to rent something that would bring all her stuff back. I was going to have to get a few days off from work to drive to New Mexico and bring her back. A month really did not seem like it was long enough, but I knew I had to do this and get it done.
Chez would be calling me collect later that night. Before we got off the phone, I asked him how he got my phone number, because I hadn't given it to Chez. He said that he called directory assistance and they listed the people with my real last name and they ran through all the first names. At the time, I only had my middle initial and last name listed with no address because I didn't want to pay the extra fee to have an unlisted number. But he knew my middle initial and figured out that was me. I kind of wondered what he would have done if my number had been unlisted. Chez didn't have my address at the time, so he couldn't have mailed me. And I'm not so certain any of them knew which movie theatre I worked for. I can't imagine him making dozens of phone calls to showtime recordings to get the office numbers to try to get a hold of me.
I immediately went into action. First, I went over to the home of my landlords and explained what was going on. They didn't require me to put in a full month's notice that I was going to move out. Then I went to the Hillcrest Cinemas and told Anz what was happening. She was aware of all the drama that had been going on between me and Chez and was rather surprised that everything had led to this.
I got back to my house and waited for Chez to call me collect. The phone rang and it was her. She told me that what had happened earlier that day. She and Road were fighting over the TV. He picked her up and threw her against the stove. After he left, Kiz examined Chez and saw that she had been severely bruised on her back. Kiz recommended that Chez call the cops and check into the battered women's shelter and that's what happened.
(A brief commentary here: News reports that covered incidents of domestic violence at the time would often state the reason for the altercation. Usually, it was of some low-level concern, like the TV, that sparked the incident. News stories would make it seem like the victims and perpetrators would fight over ANYTHING. Actually, these were usually the culmination of a history of arguing about all sorts of issues and the idea that they were fighting over something of so little consequence would just seem so ridiculous, but the person who often got the short end of the stick would think that they were not going allow themselves to lose this battle and choose this hill to die on. In my experience with Chez, I found that the causes of domestic violence are so complex, they can't be properly explained in a 30-second news report. However, I have noticed that many news outlets no longer cite the reason for the fight that resulted in injuries, arrests or death.)
Chez told me that when I last saw her and hugged her goodbye, she could feel me kissing her cheek. When I did that, all the feelings she'd had for me before had returned and it was very overwhelming for her. After I left, she started crying uncontrollably. Kiz saw what was going on and asked her, "You wanted to go with him, didn't you?" Chez said that if Road hadn't been outside, she would have grabbed Joad, some clothes and supplies, gotten in the car with me and left.
Then she asked me if I remembered going with her to see Kiz at the hospital in Clovis. I told her I recalled seeing the baby in the maternity ward and how she asked me if I wanted one of those. Chez seemed quite pleased that I remembered that. Before we got off the phone, we told each other, "I love you." It had been almost two years since we had said that to each other.
I had a lot of work ahead of me. More on that on Monday.
One thing I had found that was that Abed had kind of gone a little crazy over Colz after I last saw him. I heard that he was trying to come back to San Diego and had sent her a message that said, "I'm coming for you!" It made me kind of glad I didn't stop to see him in Tularosa on my way to Vegas. Otherwise, he would have told me that I needed to bring him back, right away! He would have grabbed his stuff and hopped in the car. THAT would have been our first trip to Vegas. (We did one years later.) Colz supposedly freaked out after she got the message about him returning. I only ever saw her one more time at the Hillcrest Cinemas after that and she didn't have anything to say to me. As it turned out, Abed came back out to San Diego about a year later, but I don't think he tried to track down Colz when he did.
The other big thing that happened was a week and a half after I'd come home. My phone rang and I picked it up. "Is this Fayd?" "Yes." "This is Chez' father. Listen, Road beat up Chez really bad today..." My first thought was that Chez was either dead or in the hospital. I didn't know what was going to come out of his mouth next, but he continued. "...and she called the cops and has checked into a battered women's shelter here in Roswell." (Okaaaaay...) "She wants to know if you'll still have her and if she and Joad can move out to San Diego with you."
I did not have any time to process everything he was telling me. All I knew was that it meant that Chez still loved me and was willing to move out to San Diego to be with me. I know there was no hesitation between the end of his question and me answering, "Yes!"
He told me that Chez would be allowed to stay at the shelter for one month. That meant I had one month to get everything in place for her to move out here. I was going to have to find a new apartment. I was going to have to buy furniture. I was going to have to get my hands on a crib. I was going to have to go to U-Haul to rent something that would bring all her stuff back. I was going to have to get a few days off from work to drive to New Mexico and bring her back. A month really did not seem like it was long enough, but I knew I had to do this and get it done.
Chez would be calling me collect later that night. Before we got off the phone, I asked him how he got my phone number, because I hadn't given it to Chez. He said that he called directory assistance and they listed the people with my real last name and they ran through all the first names. At the time, I only had my middle initial and last name listed with no address because I didn't want to pay the extra fee to have an unlisted number. But he knew my middle initial and figured out that was me. I kind of wondered what he would have done if my number had been unlisted. Chez didn't have my address at the time, so he couldn't have mailed me. And I'm not so certain any of them knew which movie theatre I worked for. I can't imagine him making dozens of phone calls to showtime recordings to get the office numbers to try to get a hold of me.
I immediately went into action. First, I went over to the home of my landlords and explained what was going on. They didn't require me to put in a full month's notice that I was going to move out. Then I went to the Hillcrest Cinemas and told Anz what was happening. She was aware of all the drama that had been going on between me and Chez and was rather surprised that everything had led to this.
I got back to my house and waited for Chez to call me collect. The phone rang and it was her. She told me that what had happened earlier that day. She and Road were fighting over the TV. He picked her up and threw her against the stove. After he left, Kiz examined Chez and saw that she had been severely bruised on her back. Kiz recommended that Chez call the cops and check into the battered women's shelter and that's what happened.
(A brief commentary here: News reports that covered incidents of domestic violence at the time would often state the reason for the altercation. Usually, it was of some low-level concern, like the TV, that sparked the incident. News stories would make it seem like the victims and perpetrators would fight over ANYTHING. Actually, these were usually the culmination of a history of arguing about all sorts of issues and the idea that they were fighting over something of so little consequence would just seem so ridiculous, but the person who often got the short end of the stick would think that they were not going allow themselves to lose this battle and choose this hill to die on. In my experience with Chez, I found that the causes of domestic violence are so complex, they can't be properly explained in a 30-second news report. However, I have noticed that many news outlets no longer cite the reason for the fight that resulted in injuries, arrests or death.)
Chez told me that when I last saw her and hugged her goodbye, she could feel me kissing her cheek. When I did that, all the feelings she'd had for me before had returned and it was very overwhelming for her. After I left, she started crying uncontrollably. Kiz saw what was going on and asked her, "You wanted to go with him, didn't you?" Chez said that if Road hadn't been outside, she would have grabbed Joad, some clothes and supplies, gotten in the car with me and left.
Then she asked me if I remembered going with her to see Kiz at the hospital in Clovis. I told her I recalled seeing the baby in the maternity ward and how she asked me if I wanted one of those. Chez seemed quite pleased that I remembered that. Before we got off the phone, we told each other, "I love you." It had been almost two years since we had said that to each other.
I had a lot of work ahead of me. More on that on Monday.
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