Before writing further about my life, there is one aspect which I should probably share. I was actually going to write about this much later, but I determined that it will put all the weird things in my life in perspective if I actually discuss this now instead of waiting until the period of my life when I discovered this, which was in my mid 40's.
I appear to have Asperger Syndrome. Discovering the possible existence of this neurological disorder in my mind didn't really change the way I live my life. It just answered a lot of questions I've had about myself for 40 years.
However, I should note that my parents raised me like there was nothing wrong with me, so I attribute that to my ability to adapt to certain situations. But I do have to admit that I do struggle somewhat with socializing. I wouldn't call myself shy. I am very good at meeting people, but I soon run out of things to talk about and there are awkward silences that frequently take place.
I had always been aware that my brain functions much differently than other people. I know there is a certain way that I process information that somehow wouldn't make sense to your average neuro-typical person. I was also aware about how I would obsess over certain things and couldn't explain why I liked them so much and had a hard time trying to avoid bringing them up in conversation.
You may remember in my previous blog entry in which I mentioned that my parents were concerned about me not talking very much. When I was first told as an adult about the examination, I was under the impression that it was some kind of psychologial evaluation. After determining that I might have Asperger Syndrome, I would remark that if that examination had taken place today, the person I met with would have immediately diagnosed me with Asperger's. Not long ago, I found out that person was actually a speech therapist, and unless she was aware of neurological disorders, that kid today would likely still not be properly diagnosed on the autism spectrum.
I am aware that the disorder does not affect me as much as other people. I have met people with Asperger's who will look at you in the face when you are talking to them, but when they start talking, they turn their heads completely around to say what they have to say. I have a tendency to act like a normal person when meeting people the first time. However, as I become more comfortable, my quirkiness tends to come through a lot more and people start thinking I'm weird. After this happens a few dozen times, it's no wonder I'm socially awkward.
The stupid thing is that I want to socialize more. I want to be the type of person that people look forward to seeing. I want to be the person who gets invited to do things in a group setting. I don't like feeling that the only reason I'm invited to take part in something is because everybody else in class had to be invited as well.
On the bright side, I have learned to entertain myself and don't feel the need to have to be around people to have a good time. This blog is a good example of that.
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