What makes me a loser and what forced me to be a loser? Well, I guess I think that even though I have done everything I can to be a success, any number of obstacles, including my own shortcomings, have kept me from achieving the things I have wanted most out of life. I feel that a series of wrong decisions and circumstances beyond my control are responsible for not putting me at the right place at the right time where I can feel satisfied with my position in life.
Keep in mind that I have never taken the course of alcoholism or drug addiction. I have never experienced being drunk or stoned, so this means that I have always had a clear head in every path I have taken so I cannot blame that for any situation I have found myself in. This blog will contain a series of stories from throughout my life. A LOT of stories.
One of my main problems is the way people respond to me. If I am in a group situation discussing something and I throw out an idea or try to get everyone to understand the reason something is happening, everybody acts like I didn't say anything. I don't know why this is. I am certainly able to articulate my point with some semblance of authority, but I just don't get any real feedback. And you know the usual thing happens, in which someone takes my idea that everyone ignored as passes it off as their own and I don't get any credit despite my protests.
Another situation is that if some people appear to be talking about someone else who is not present and I approach them, they will just stop talking. Now, I know they weren't talking about me, but it sure feels like it. If I ask what's going on, I'll be treated with, "None of your business," and that's just the clean version. And this did not just happen to me in high school. It is a problem that has plagued me my entire adult life.
I'm basically doing this blog because, as I approach the age of 50, I'm beginning to realize that no one is going to ask me to write an autobiography, let alone pay me to do it. I want to be able to capture as much of my life as possible before I start forgetting it. Since I have not subjected myself to drugs and alcohol, a lot of material is still very clear in my mind, but I find that there are times when I have trouble recalling people's names. I also want to understand myself better by revisiting the past to get more perspective on a lot of things that may not have made sense at the time, but appear to see them from a different viewpoint now.
I should also explain that this will not just include the story of my life. I will have several essays about certain situations that I have encountered throughout. When they happened at those times, I was never able to find the right thoughts or words to express how I feel. Now, it seems like I have a lot less trouble finding them and I will put them to good use here.
While this blog is primarily for my own therapeutic reasons, I hope that what I write will be entertaining for most people to read. Please note that while I am not a success, I am not completely unhappy with my lot in life and I'm able to look back at my past with a sense of humor.
I will also have some video commentary from time to time to accompany this blog. You can check it out here: youtube.com/faydogolon
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