Yesterday, I revealed how I wanted to commit suicide very badly when I was 16 years old. I'd never really discussed that with anybody before. Knowing that I had those thoughts, to the point that I actually planned to do something to myself, disturbs me to this day. It doesn't help knowing that a lot of other people have gone through the same thing when they were my age. My pain was all my own. From my experience, they didn't have it as bad as me (although I know I am wrong).
One thing I didn't mention about the thoughts racing in my mind between the point that I ran into my ex-girlfriend and being across the street from the location where I had planned to die was that a part of me wanted everyone who ever wronged me, even those I considered friends, to suffer. The idea entered my mind that I shouldn't be the one to die, that they should.
This thought was only in my head for about a half-second, but the implications of that have haunted me for more than 33 years.
Something you should know about my father is that he is not a gun nut. The only guns we had in the house were hunting rifles and BB guns. We had no handguns, no assault weapons, no automatics, and no ammunition laying around the house that I was aware of.
But this is scary, even to me: If my Dad had a lot of these guns and ammo, that half-second thought would have continued for another half-second, and I would have started implementing a plan to bring the weapons to school and lay waste to everyone I came in contact with. This would have occurred a litle more than 18 years before Columbine.
I can picture myself concealing the firearms in my clothes, walking into the Commons area, pulling the guns out and indiscriminately firing at anybody who happened to be there. I can see myself chasing down anyone trying to run away.
I would not have made plans to kill myself. That would have been the exact opposite of what I was trying to accomplish, after all. However, I now know that my chances of walking out of that situation alive were very slim. I'm pretty certain once the members of the Artesia Police Department arrived on scene, none of those officers would be looking to catch me alive. Many of those on the force were just looking for an opportunity to kill a teenager and get away with it. They would have hunted me down and shot me, even if I was surrendering, or rolled up in a little ball, crying my eyes out.
But this is really frightening: If they had captured me alive, nothing really bad would have happened to me. I was 16 and this was 1981. The State of New Mexico did not try 16-year-olds as adults at that time. The worst thing the authorities would have been able to do is send me to the Boys Ranch at the Methodist Children's Home in Waco, TX. However, I'm certain I would have been treated 100 times worse by the other juvenile delinquents who were housed there. I would have been a real easy target. It would not have been a cakewalk (and I wouldn't have gotten any cake, either).
But my family would have been affected the most if I had done this, regardless of whether or not I survived capture. They would have had to leave town, maybe even the state. They wouldn't have been able to work as teachers again. Dad would have had to sell the apartments. Loyd would have become the star child in the family.
When the Columbine massacre occurred, I remembered how I could have done that when I was younger. I can understand the pain the shooters were experiencing, but I was able to eventually shake that all off. From the things I have read, they spent years letting their frustrations fester and they had each other to egg on. I was all alone. That may have made a difference. I didn't allow myself to egg me on. I would have wound up with more than egg on my face.
One things people say about Columbine is that it started a trend of school shootings. If I had lived through my endeavor, I would hate to think that I started a trend and would have a hard time living with myself. The guilt would just eat away at me and I would have to continue receiving therapy for the rest of my life, but would never completely be able to deal with it.
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