I started settling into a post-Kelz existence. I was still trying to piece together everything that went wrong between us. The good part about all this was that none of my friends told me they thought I was stupid to move her out of Iowa. They probably knew I already felt that way.
One of the people I talked to was Lawz
. Unbeknownst to me, she had started a phone friendship with Kelz and would call from time to time. One of the things she told Kelz about was a phone line that she could call and listen to free personal ads by men. Lawz got a kick out of listening to them and thought Kelz would, too. But Lawz never tried to contact those who placed the ads. It was just something else she did when she was bored. I realized that this was the reason I kept getting phone calls from people who would hang up on me. It appeared that Kelz responded to the ads, went out and likely had one night stands.
At the time, I held Lawz responsible for that part of the downward spiral in our relationship. I didn't get mad on the phone, but I didn't talk to her again until about a year later. (The details of that are in the article I wrote about her.) But in the end, this wasn't the catalyst of the downturn in the relationship. It just led to me receiving a lot of awkward phone calls.
Kelz' ex-boyfriend from the Chicago area also called. (This was the one who fathered the child she had shortly before I met her.) It turned out she was keeping in contact with him and would call him from time to time. I thought this would be a good time to get answers to questions because I was having a hard time figuring out what was real about Kelz and what wasn't. He seemed eager to share.
He told me that she had a pretty messed-up existence. She had a tendency to have sex with random guys all the time, even when they were together. She would sometimes go so far as to find homeless men in alleys and have sex with them. He didn't know why she did this.
I asked about the satanic cult. He said he was pretty certain that was true, because she used to have a lot of tattoos that displayed this kind of activity. She'd had them removed before she met me. I could see the scars on her arms and body, but couldn't see what the tattoos used to be.
I asked about the other child and the drug dealing father, both of whom apparently died recently. I asked if they existed. He didn't know it for a fact. However, he did recall seeing a photograph of her holding a baby in the hospital when she was 16. So the child was real, but it was probably another one she gave up for adoption.
I told him that occasionally, when she was on the phone, it appeared like she wasn't talking to anyone (especially during those times she wanted to communicate something to me but couldn't tell me to my face). In fact, she was supposedly talking to him. He said there was one time when they were living together that she was on the phone and the noisy tone came on, so he didn't know when she was really talking to someone, either.
He told me that recently, she called him up and acted like I was there in the room with her, going so far to say something like, "Hey, make yourself useful and get me a beer!" I told him she never asked me to do that when she was on the phone.
I told him that before she moved back out to San Diego, she said that he had come to Iowa and hung out with her at her grandmother's house. He swore he'd never been to Iowa, especially in the last couple of months.
That conversation answered some questions, but brought on a lot more. Most of the questions were "Why?" I had to come to the realization that I would never get closure on them. I also needed to conclude that there was probably nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome. Kelz was just one of those women who could find trouble without really looking for it.
Since I knew she was not completely out of my life, the biggest questions were "When will it all end?" and, "What has to happen to make it all end?" It would be a long time before I got answers to those.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Monday, July 10, 2017
The afterscience
Even though Kelz and I were still sleeping together, things got worse and worse every day I didn't have a working vehicle. Kelz would just get up and go without really letting me know where she was going, except to say she was going to be with Brod.
And then I was starting to get phone calls in which, once I answered, whoever it was would hang up. It reminded me of that Dr. Hook song "When You're in Love with a Beautiful Woman," particularly the lyric, "You know that it's crazy, you know you should trust her, then somebody hangs up when you answer the phone." That happened once when Kelz was there. In California, the *69 feature had recently been introduced, but you had to sign up for the service. I didn't do that. But in early 1996, Pacific Bell decided to make it free to everyone for a trial period. She hit *69 and talked to the person who tried to call. This conversation went on for an hour and bordered on being flirtatious.
One night, she came home and told me, "I just did some heroin." I asked, "Okay, what now?" "I don't know. I have to start my 12 steps all over again. I don't know if it's worth it." I told her I would support her efforts to stop, but she didn't seem to want to do that. I felt powerless to do anything.
One night after she left, I went to the closet where I kept my cash and noticed a $50 bill was missing. I changed the hiding spot for my money. Later, I was in bed. I heard her come in the bedroom and open the closet. I could tell she was looking for the money, but couldn't find it. At that point, she knew that I was aware that something was up and that I wasn't being as trustful as I was before. She went back out for a few more hours.
When I was at work on a Friday morning, 02/09/96, she called me. She said that Brod had to crash at our apartment, but he would be out before I got home. I told her I didn't have a problem with that. I came home later and no one was there. I went into the bedroom and it smelled like something sexual had happened in there. And Kelz and I did not sleep together the night before.
I went over to the condom box in the medicine cabinet. I knew how many times Kelz and I had made love and the number of condoms left in the box was one less. I pulled out the bed and found the wrapper. My heart sunk. I spent the rest of the day contemplating what I would do. I knew I needed to get her out of my life. I just didn't know how because I felt so responsible.
Later in the evening, I called up Knod. I told her what happened. I told her I needed to kick Kelz out, but didn't think I had the strength of character to do it. Knod gave me a few encouraging words. While we were talking, Kelz came home. I continued having a conversation with Knod on another topic. Kelz went into the bedroom and came back out. She quietly kissed me on the back of the head and then went out again. I told Knod I would have to have the confrontation when she came back.
When Kelz came back around midnight, I asked Kelz if she was going to stay. She said she was going back out. Brod was waiting for her. I said, "Well, you can stay out because I don't want you coming back." "Why?" "Because you slept with Broad!" "No, I didn't!" "I came home and I could smell it in the bedroom, AND there was a condom missing." "That's because Brod had sex with someone else in there!" "You didn't mention anybody else crashing here." "Well, they did!" "Well, it doesn't matter because I WANT YOU OUT! GIVE ME YOUR KEY!" She took her apartment key off her ring and threw it on the ground. "AND THE MAILBOX KEY!" She took that off and threw it on the ground. "NOW, GO! I'll have all your stuff ready tomorrow." "You're going to be sorry!" And she left.
For the next two hours, I thought about what just happened. I wondered if she was telling me the truth. If I hadn't had that talk with Knod, I probably would have acted like I believed her and let her stay. But then I started wondering about what would happen next. I had things she might try to steal. She could easily break in and rummage through the apartment trying to find my money when I wasn't there, or even worse, while I was sleeping. I had to do something.
Around 2am, I called Thoz
. I told her that Kelz had cheated on me and I kicked her out of the apartment. I asked her if she could come over and help me move some of my stuff over to my workplace for safekeeping until this all blew over. She agreed without hesitation and was at my apartment about 30 minutes later. (I think this was after she'd gotten a wolf tattoo on her back. She showed it to me while she was there. She did seem proud of it.) I loaded up my TV, VCR, stereo and keyboard in her car. We drove over and I put them in the basement. Thoz didn't really have a lot to say about Kelz. She did sympathize with my situation and said it would probably get better. She thought I had done a smart thing by moving that stuff out.
It was hard to sleep that night. I woke up the next morning and started packing Kelz' stuff so they would be ready when she came over. When I was going through her stuff, I found a lot of things she had written on notebook paper. One of them was a list of pros and cons of doing drugs. I guess this was something that she presented at an NA meeting. Among the pros was a greater sense of intimacy during sex and having friends to hang out with. But the list of cons was much longer and included the prospect of having to have multiple abortions and giving up children for adoption. It made me wonder if she felt this way, why she decided to start using again.
I also found a letter from her grandmother telling her she had run up $200 in long distance calls while she was there and wanted to know when she was going to send her money to cover that. In addition, I came across a note that looked like she had written in when she was in Iowa. If you recall, I called the house and supposedly talked to someone who wasn't Kelz. This appeared to be a note from that someone else telling Kelz that I had called. But the handwriting was slightly different from the pros and cons list. I wondered why Kelz would keep this note and bring it with her. Nothing made sense!
I tried to mentally prepare for her eventual arrival. I didn't know what would happen when I saw her again. I didn't know if she was going to beg me to let her come back, or have Brod kill me or pour gasoline on the carpet and light a match.
About 3pm, she came into the apartment. (I had the door open and the screen was unlocked.) She was by herself. She saw her bags in the living room. She grabbed some of them and went outside, but left the rest there. I tried to ask her how she was doing, but she was in no mood to talk to me. I was rather relieved that was all that happened.
Was that the last I saw of her? Heck, no!
And then I was starting to get phone calls in which, once I answered, whoever it was would hang up. It reminded me of that Dr. Hook song "When You're in Love with a Beautiful Woman," particularly the lyric, "You know that it's crazy, you know you should trust her, then somebody hangs up when you answer the phone." That happened once when Kelz was there. In California, the *69 feature had recently been introduced, but you had to sign up for the service. I didn't do that. But in early 1996, Pacific Bell decided to make it free to everyone for a trial period. She hit *69 and talked to the person who tried to call. This conversation went on for an hour and bordered on being flirtatious.
One night, she came home and told me, "I just did some heroin." I asked, "Okay, what now?" "I don't know. I have to start my 12 steps all over again. I don't know if it's worth it." I told her I would support her efforts to stop, but she didn't seem to want to do that. I felt powerless to do anything.
One night after she left, I went to the closet where I kept my cash and noticed a $50 bill was missing. I changed the hiding spot for my money. Later, I was in bed. I heard her come in the bedroom and open the closet. I could tell she was looking for the money, but couldn't find it. At that point, she knew that I was aware that something was up and that I wasn't being as trustful as I was before. She went back out for a few more hours.
When I was at work on a Friday morning, 02/09/96, she called me. She said that Brod had to crash at our apartment, but he would be out before I got home. I told her I didn't have a problem with that. I came home later and no one was there. I went into the bedroom and it smelled like something sexual had happened in there. And Kelz and I did not sleep together the night before.
I went over to the condom box in the medicine cabinet. I knew how many times Kelz and I had made love and the number of condoms left in the box was one less. I pulled out the bed and found the wrapper. My heart sunk. I spent the rest of the day contemplating what I would do. I knew I needed to get her out of my life. I just didn't know how because I felt so responsible.
Later in the evening, I called up Knod. I told her what happened. I told her I needed to kick Kelz out, but didn't think I had the strength of character to do it. Knod gave me a few encouraging words. While we were talking, Kelz came home. I continued having a conversation with Knod on another topic. Kelz went into the bedroom and came back out. She quietly kissed me on the back of the head and then went out again. I told Knod I would have to have the confrontation when she came back.
When Kelz came back around midnight, I asked Kelz if she was going to stay. She said she was going back out. Brod was waiting for her. I said, "Well, you can stay out because I don't want you coming back." "Why?" "Because you slept with Broad!" "No, I didn't!" "I came home and I could smell it in the bedroom, AND there was a condom missing." "That's because Brod had sex with someone else in there!" "You didn't mention anybody else crashing here." "Well, they did!" "Well, it doesn't matter because I WANT YOU OUT! GIVE ME YOUR KEY!" She took her apartment key off her ring and threw it on the ground. "AND THE MAILBOX KEY!" She took that off and threw it on the ground. "NOW, GO! I'll have all your stuff ready tomorrow." "You're going to be sorry!" And she left.
For the next two hours, I thought about what just happened. I wondered if she was telling me the truth. If I hadn't had that talk with Knod, I probably would have acted like I believed her and let her stay. But then I started wondering about what would happen next. I had things she might try to steal. She could easily break in and rummage through the apartment trying to find my money when I wasn't there, or even worse, while I was sleeping. I had to do something.
Around 2am, I called Thoz
. I told her that Kelz had cheated on me and I kicked her out of the apartment. I asked her if she could come over and help me move some of my stuff over to my workplace for safekeeping until this all blew over. She agreed without hesitation and was at my apartment about 30 minutes later. (I think this was after she'd gotten a wolf tattoo on her back. She showed it to me while she was there. She did seem proud of it.) I loaded up my TV, VCR, stereo and keyboard in her car. We drove over and I put them in the basement. Thoz didn't really have a lot to say about Kelz. She did sympathize with my situation and said it would probably get better. She thought I had done a smart thing by moving that stuff out.
It was hard to sleep that night. I woke up the next morning and started packing Kelz' stuff so they would be ready when she came over. When I was going through her stuff, I found a lot of things she had written on notebook paper. One of them was a list of pros and cons of doing drugs. I guess this was something that she presented at an NA meeting. Among the pros was a greater sense of intimacy during sex and having friends to hang out with. But the list of cons was much longer and included the prospect of having to have multiple abortions and giving up children for adoption. It made me wonder if she felt this way, why she decided to start using again.
I also found a letter from her grandmother telling her she had run up $200 in long distance calls while she was there and wanted to know when she was going to send her money to cover that. In addition, I came across a note that looked like she had written in when she was in Iowa. If you recall, I called the house and supposedly talked to someone who wasn't Kelz. This appeared to be a note from that someone else telling Kelz that I had called. But the handwriting was slightly different from the pros and cons list. I wondered why Kelz would keep this note and bring it with her. Nothing made sense!
I tried to mentally prepare for her eventual arrival. I didn't know what would happen when I saw her again. I didn't know if she was going to beg me to let her come back, or have Brod kill me or pour gasoline on the carpet and light a match.
About 3pm, she came into the apartment. (I had the door open and the screen was unlocked.) She was by herself. She saw her bags in the living room. She grabbed some of them and went outside, but left the rest there. I tried to ask her how she was doing, but she was in no mood to talk to me. I was rather relieved that was all that happened.
Was that the last I saw of her? Heck, no!
Friday, July 7, 2017
Skipping ahead a few months
Calendars are great for logging future events, but they can't predict the future.
The stupid thing is that this calendar features characters from the first six episodes of "Star Wars," including Hayden Christensen and Ewan McGregor, BUT NOT NATALIE PORTMAN!
The stupid thing is that this calendar features characters from the first six episodes of "Star Wars," including Hayden Christensen and Ewan McGregor, BUT NOT NATALIE PORTMAN!
Thursday, July 6, 2017
The aftermath
After Kelz and I made love for the first time, we held each other. She dozed off rather quickly, but I had a hard time falling asleep. I contemplated what had just happened. I really didn't feel different, but I knew I couldn't return to not having sex again.
I got up so I could go to work. I took a shower and took the bus over. During the period of time I was there by myself, I could still smell Kelz' scent on me. I wondered if it would ever go away or if anyone else would notice.
I was able to mostly avoid everyone at work and came home. Kelz wasn't there. After I took a nap, she still wasn't there. Since my car was still at the mechanic's, I really didn't have much to do. I decided to make a few phone calls to my friends. I don't know why I did this, but I had to tell them ALL about what happened. This was in spite of the fact that I had already formulated the Seven Levels of Sexual Discreetness prior to this.
This telling of my friends actually took place over a few days, but here is a list of most everyone I told about losing my virginity (in no particular order):
Abed
Thoz
Lawz
Knod
Chud
Bid
Tod
Daz
Rid
Chez
I know I didn't go into a great deal of detail about how it happened and the reactions were varied. Bid was probably the most excited. He'd been telling me to get laid for years. Chez was probably the most surprised. Close to the end of our conversation, she asked me if I had something on my mind I wanted to tell her. I told her that now this had happened, I was wondering what it would be like to make love with her. (However, I failed to qualify that by saying that it would only be IF I was not in a relationship.)
I should note that I did not tell my parents or my brother Loyd about it. My parents assumed I had been sexually active since I was 15 and Loyd sort of figured it out by osmosis.
Looking back, I regret telling everyone about this so soon after it happened. I guess I was bored and didn't have anything better to do. Besides, I felt like if Kelz was okay telling everybody my business, she shouldn't have a problem with me telling about hers. I now know that was wrong on my part.
But I definitely do not regret losing my virginity. This was probably the right time in my life to have it happen. I was certainly mature enough to handle the impact it would have on the way I think. As I've said before, if I had lost it when I was 15, there would have been so many more consequences I would have been forced to suffer.
I got up so I could go to work. I took a shower and took the bus over. During the period of time I was there by myself, I could still smell Kelz' scent on me. I wondered if it would ever go away or if anyone else would notice.
I was able to mostly avoid everyone at work and came home. Kelz wasn't there. After I took a nap, she still wasn't there. Since my car was still at the mechanic's, I really didn't have much to do. I decided to make a few phone calls to my friends. I don't know why I did this, but I had to tell them ALL about what happened. This was in spite of the fact that I had already formulated the Seven Levels of Sexual Discreetness prior to this.
This telling of my friends actually took place over a few days, but here is a list of most everyone I told about losing my virginity (in no particular order):
Abed
Thoz
Lawz
Knod
Chud
Bid
Tod
Daz
Rid
Chez
I know I didn't go into a great deal of detail about how it happened and the reactions were varied. Bid was probably the most excited. He'd been telling me to get laid for years. Chez was probably the most surprised. Close to the end of our conversation, she asked me if I had something on my mind I wanted to tell her. I told her that now this had happened, I was wondering what it would be like to make love with her. (However, I failed to qualify that by saying that it would only be IF I was not in a relationship.)
I should note that I did not tell my parents or my brother Loyd about it. My parents assumed I had been sexually active since I was 15 and Loyd sort of figured it out by osmosis.
Looking back, I regret telling everyone about this so soon after it happened. I guess I was bored and didn't have anything better to do. Besides, I felt like if Kelz was okay telling everybody my business, she shouldn't have a problem with me telling about hers. I now know that was wrong on my part.
But I definitely do not regret losing my virginity. This was probably the right time in my life to have it happen. I was certainly mature enough to handle the impact it would have on the way I think. As I've said before, if I had lost it when I was 15, there would have been so many more consequences I would have been forced to suffer.
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
When will it happen?
I knew about a week before when I wanted the magical moment between Kelz and me to take place. I had planned for it to be on a Friday night. I had given myself plenty of time to prepare for the day I would no longer be a virgin.
I had always expected to save myself for the woman I would get married to. However, I was also getting a lot more pressure than I expected from Kelz. I never thought that she would be someone I would get married to, but I also had been anticipating that it was possible I might never get married. There was kind of no point in continuing my celibacy.
Honestly, I was afraid that having sex for the first time would change everything I knew about myself: The way I feel when I see women, how I deal with them on a day to day basis, wondering if it's possible that someone I find attractive and available will like me enough to want to have sex with me.
I anticipated the major change that would take place for that particular night. We were together in bed, making out and engaging in activities of a sexual nature. I told her I was ready to make love. She excitedly got up, ran to the medicine cabinet and got a condom out of the box.
However, I had a problem. This had not been an issue during our previous sexual-but-not-sex encounters, but it was now. I guess there were go many different thoughts spinning through my mind that I couldn't get my desires out of my head so that they could spread to the relevant parts of my body. No matter what we did, it just was not going to happen that night.
I offered to engage in further sexual activity, but she was obviously frustrated, put her clothes on and left the apartment. I felt so alone then. I wondered if our relationship was going to last at this rate. And if it ended, what then? Were we still going to live together, but not be boyfriend/girlfriend? I didn't know how that was going to work out. (And I hadn't anticipated that prospect when I agreed to bring her out to San Diego.)
She came back and went straight to bed without speaking to me. I didn't know what to think.
The next day, I went to work. After I came back, we decided to do some running around. We drove to Coronado, but the car started acting up after we crossed the bridge. It seemed like it wasn't going to go any further, so I had to pull over. I thought it was low on oil. I figured we could just walk to the closest gas station, get some oil, walk back to the car and put it in. We'd be okay. It took us about 20 minutes to find a station. The whole way there and the whole way back to the car, she didn't say a thing, no matter how much I tried to engage her in conversation. The car started going again and we drove back home.
We tried to make love again that evening. Again, it just didn't happen. I was really starting to get depressed.
On Sunday, I decided to not try to drive the car anymore until I could get it fixed. I planned to take it to the mechanic's on Monday. Kelz decided to do some stuff on her own that day. I didn't feel like doing anything except sulk in the apartment.
When Kelz came back home that night, she said she had gotten into a fight. She had these three long gashes on her arm. However, they weren't bleeding and there wasn't any blood on her clothes. I have no idea what happened. I asked her if she needed to go to the emergency room to get some stitches. She said she didn't want to do that. She grabbed some hydrogen peroxide and treated her wounds with that.
We went to bed. We started kissing and I began to get aroused. I told her, "It's too bad you're not in the mood right now." She said, "Who says I'm not in the mood?"
And then we made love.
I had always expected to save myself for the woman I would get married to. However, I was also getting a lot more pressure than I expected from Kelz. I never thought that she would be someone I would get married to, but I also had been anticipating that it was possible I might never get married. There was kind of no point in continuing my celibacy.
Honestly, I was afraid that having sex for the first time would change everything I knew about myself: The way I feel when I see women, how I deal with them on a day to day basis, wondering if it's possible that someone I find attractive and available will like me enough to want to have sex with me.
I anticipated the major change that would take place for that particular night. We were together in bed, making out and engaging in activities of a sexual nature. I told her I was ready to make love. She excitedly got up, ran to the medicine cabinet and got a condom out of the box.
However, I had a problem. This had not been an issue during our previous sexual-but-not-sex encounters, but it was now. I guess there were go many different thoughts spinning through my mind that I couldn't get my desires out of my head so that they could spread to the relevant parts of my body. No matter what we did, it just was not going to happen that night.
I offered to engage in further sexual activity, but she was obviously frustrated, put her clothes on and left the apartment. I felt so alone then. I wondered if our relationship was going to last at this rate. And if it ended, what then? Were we still going to live together, but not be boyfriend/girlfriend? I didn't know how that was going to work out. (And I hadn't anticipated that prospect when I agreed to bring her out to San Diego.)
She came back and went straight to bed without speaking to me. I didn't know what to think.
The next day, I went to work. After I came back, we decided to do some running around. We drove to Coronado, but the car started acting up after we crossed the bridge. It seemed like it wasn't going to go any further, so I had to pull over. I thought it was low on oil. I figured we could just walk to the closest gas station, get some oil, walk back to the car and put it in. We'd be okay. It took us about 20 minutes to find a station. The whole way there and the whole way back to the car, she didn't say a thing, no matter how much I tried to engage her in conversation. The car started going again and we drove back home.
We tried to make love again that evening. Again, it just didn't happen. I was really starting to get depressed.
On Sunday, I decided to not try to drive the car anymore until I could get it fixed. I planned to take it to the mechanic's on Monday. Kelz decided to do some stuff on her own that day. I didn't feel like doing anything except sulk in the apartment.
When Kelz came back home that night, she said she had gotten into a fight. She had these three long gashes on her arm. However, they weren't bleeding and there wasn't any blood on her clothes. I have no idea what happened. I asked her if she needed to go to the emergency room to get some stitches. She said she didn't want to do that. She grabbed some hydrogen peroxide and treated her wounds with that.
We went to bed. We started kissing and I began to get aroused. I told her, "It's too bad you're not in the mood right now." She said, "Who says I'm not in the mood?"
And then we made love.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Money is always a problem
During all of the turmoil that was beginning between Kelz and me, I was running out of money. I had to have a serious talk with her. Before she moved in, I told her that she was going to need to get a job and help pay some of the household expenses. This was something she agreed to. I told her that aside from my job, our next infusion of cash was going to come from my income tax refund. And it was only going to be about $150. I reminded her of her promise to find a job once she got settled. That time had arrived. She said she would find a job.
I was hoping she would apply someplace like Hollywood Video, which was just down the street. But she decided she didn't want to do that. Then I told her someplace that would hire her without much previous experience. It was someplace I used to work: Inventory Auditors, Inc. In addition, they paid more than minimum wage. I told her she would just have to go in and talk to them and they would likely hire her right on the spot, just like they did for me.
We went down there and she went inside. I was sitting out in the car and I was wondering what was taking so long. After a couple of hours (which is how long the training took for me), she came out and said they had hired and trained her. I guess they actually began the training right then and there. (I was surprised that she didn't try to come outside and tell me what was going on. In addition, I remember we took a little break in the middle of training. She could have come out then.) I told her I would be able to drive her to all her assignments. She just needed to let me know what time she needed to be there and what time I would need to pick her up after the assignment. I would always be able to accommodate her.
The morning of her first assignment, she told me of something unusual that had happened: Her son in Iowa had died somehow. I came home from work and found her in a fetal position on the bed. I couldn't tell whether or not she was awake, but I decided to leave her alone. I called up and left a message for Inventory Auditors, telling them what had happened. However, they never called her back for another assignment.
But this was the least of the problems at home. Sometimes, she would leave the apartment because she had to meet up with the ex-boyfriend when he demanded it. She swore that she wasn't sleeping with him. One night, she said she had to meet him at the Carls, Jr., which was a couple of blocks away. After about an hour, I just couldn't stand it and I wanted to see this twerp was who was taking Kelz away from me. The plan was for me to just drive by and hope that neither one of them noticed me. However, as I approached the restaurant, Kelz was walking back toward the house alone. She saw me. I stopped and got her to get in the car.
I apologized for coming out to see what was going on. She didn't say anything. I have no idea what was on her mind. Whatever happened, I never got to see the ex-boyfriend.
But what does this have to do with our money problems? After a few days, she didn't mention the ex-boyfriend again. She said she was hanging out with some guy named Brod. She said they doing some "hustling" and this was how she was going to get money. I asked her to explain "hustling." She made it sound like they were acting all homeless and begging on the street. I told her I didn't like her making money that way. "Well, what else am I supposed to do? You don't have any money!" The bad thing about this was that if this was how she was earning revenue, I never saw any of that cash. She never offered anything to go toward the rent, bills or food.
Around this time, I was starting to have trouble with my car. So much trouble that we couldn't drive around and do things like we used to. Even though I was still able to take the bus to work, I still felt useless without my car. I started to feel her liking me a lot less.
I tried to get the car fixed. The garage I frequented said it was going to cost $800 to rebuild one of the parts. They said I might be able to find a part at a junk yard and pay closer to $300. I called around to the junk yards to see if any of them had the part. One of them said they did, but all the good junk yards were in Otay Mesa, which was 20 miles away. In order for me to get the part, I had to rent a car.
I didn't have a credit card, so this meant I had to pay a $200 cash deposit to rent a car for one day. I had to pay for the damage waiver, so I was really paying a lot of money to save $500.
It was nice to have the rental. I was able to drive to work, go to Otay Mesa to pick up the part, take it to the mechanic's and run some more errands. Sensing that I was likely going to need more money in case the part didn't work, I ran to the Barona Casino, hoping that I had a little bit of good luck. No such thing. I lost $150 before I called it quits. I had to return the rental car.
Then, the mechanic called and said that the part was the wrong year and they couldn't get the engine to run for more than 10 seconds after starting. I was going to have to pay the $800 and it was going to take more than a week for them to fix it. I had no choice. I had to resort to calling Mom to get the money to pay for the repairs. She got mad at me because that happened to be the extra money she made working for the New Mexico legislature, but she knew I needed a car, so she did send me a check.
But in the middle of all this, Kelz was still affectionate with me, so it made the situation a lot more bearable. But I could still feel her pulling away from me emotionally.
I had to take measures to fix that.
I was hoping she would apply someplace like Hollywood Video, which was just down the street. But she decided she didn't want to do that. Then I told her someplace that would hire her without much previous experience. It was someplace I used to work: Inventory Auditors, Inc. In addition, they paid more than minimum wage. I told her she would just have to go in and talk to them and they would likely hire her right on the spot, just like they did for me.
We went down there and she went inside. I was sitting out in the car and I was wondering what was taking so long. After a couple of hours (which is how long the training took for me), she came out and said they had hired and trained her. I guess they actually began the training right then and there. (I was surprised that she didn't try to come outside and tell me what was going on. In addition, I remember we took a little break in the middle of training. She could have come out then.) I told her I would be able to drive her to all her assignments. She just needed to let me know what time she needed to be there and what time I would need to pick her up after the assignment. I would always be able to accommodate her.
The morning of her first assignment, she told me of something unusual that had happened: Her son in Iowa had died somehow. I came home from work and found her in a fetal position on the bed. I couldn't tell whether or not she was awake, but I decided to leave her alone. I called up and left a message for Inventory Auditors, telling them what had happened. However, they never called her back for another assignment.
But this was the least of the problems at home. Sometimes, she would leave the apartment because she had to meet up with the ex-boyfriend when he demanded it. She swore that she wasn't sleeping with him. One night, she said she had to meet him at the Carls, Jr., which was a couple of blocks away. After about an hour, I just couldn't stand it and I wanted to see this twerp was who was taking Kelz away from me. The plan was for me to just drive by and hope that neither one of them noticed me. However, as I approached the restaurant, Kelz was walking back toward the house alone. She saw me. I stopped and got her to get in the car.
I apologized for coming out to see what was going on. She didn't say anything. I have no idea what was on her mind. Whatever happened, I never got to see the ex-boyfriend.
But what does this have to do with our money problems? After a few days, she didn't mention the ex-boyfriend again. She said she was hanging out with some guy named Brod. She said they doing some "hustling" and this was how she was going to get money. I asked her to explain "hustling." She made it sound like they were acting all homeless and begging on the street. I told her I didn't like her making money that way. "Well, what else am I supposed to do? You don't have any money!" The bad thing about this was that if this was how she was earning revenue, I never saw any of that cash. She never offered anything to go toward the rent, bills or food.
Around this time, I was starting to have trouble with my car. So much trouble that we couldn't drive around and do things like we used to. Even though I was still able to take the bus to work, I still felt useless without my car. I started to feel her liking me a lot less.
I tried to get the car fixed. The garage I frequented said it was going to cost $800 to rebuild one of the parts. They said I might be able to find a part at a junk yard and pay closer to $300. I called around to the junk yards to see if any of them had the part. One of them said they did, but all the good junk yards were in Otay Mesa, which was 20 miles away. In order for me to get the part, I had to rent a car.
I didn't have a credit card, so this meant I had to pay a $200 cash deposit to rent a car for one day. I had to pay for the damage waiver, so I was really paying a lot of money to save $500.
It was nice to have the rental. I was able to drive to work, go to Otay Mesa to pick up the part, take it to the mechanic's and run some more errands. Sensing that I was likely going to need more money in case the part didn't work, I ran to the Barona Casino, hoping that I had a little bit of good luck. No such thing. I lost $150 before I called it quits. I had to return the rental car.
Then, the mechanic called and said that the part was the wrong year and they couldn't get the engine to run for more than 10 seconds after starting. I was going to have to pay the $800 and it was going to take more than a week for them to fix it. I had no choice. I had to resort to calling Mom to get the money to pay for the repairs. She got mad at me because that happened to be the extra money she made working for the New Mexico legislature, but she knew I needed a car, so she did send me a check.
But in the middle of all this, Kelz was still affectionate with me, so it made the situation a lot more bearable. But I could still feel her pulling away from me emotionally.
I had to take measures to fix that.
Monday, July 3, 2017
I attend an NA meeting
One Friday in January 1996, Kelz asked me to drive her to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in Escondido. I took her, expecting to wait outside in the car for about an hour while she attended. I was surprised when we arrived and she asked me to come in. I asked, "Are you sure? I'm under the impression that you're not supposed to go to these things unless you're trying to recover." She said it would be okay. I'm guess that since I already looked like a drug addict with the long hair, I would fit in and no one would know I didn't belong unless I opened my mouth.
At the time, I had one of those detachable sound systems in my car. I pulled it out of the shaft and put it under the seat. Kelz laughed about it because she knew I didn't trust the types of people who went to these meetings. I just hoped that no one going into the meeting saw what I did.
I guess Kelz asked me to attend because she wanted me to see that she was not the only struggling with this problem and I needed to be more sympathetic with her. I know I tried to be as understanding as possible, but I probably said something here and there regarding my impression of drug addicts, especially the ones she claimed had been coming to the apartment.
We went inside. There were probably about a hundred people there. There weren't enough chairs, so several were standing on the sides of the room. A lot of them looked like they didn't want to be there. No one was smiling and there was very little conversation among the attendees.
While we were waiting for it to start, the following thought occurred to me: If I were to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I would find that were probably several people who were in there because they had broken the law and alcohol may have played a factor. It could have been an auto accident, a bar fight or running down the street naked. But there would probably be some people who were in there who hadn't run afoul of the law. Maybe they realized alcohol was tearing their family apart or perhaps there was an intervention to convince the individual to seek help. However, at an NA meeting, every single person who was there for legitimate purposes had broken the law, regardless of whether or not they were arrested.
This was a typical 12-step program and the meeting started with everyone reciting the 12 steps. Instead of voices speaking in unison, like in church, everyone just kind of mumbled it. If they hadn't been posted on a banner at the front of the room, I would have had no idea what the 12 steps were by listening to them.
There was someone who was sort of leading the meeting. He talked about the positive aspects of sobriety. And then it was time for the testimony. A few people spoke about their experiences. I remember there were three people who shared similar stories. They all said that if they wanted to stay clean, they couldn't hang out with their friends anymore. Their friends were still doing drugs and they would be apt to talk them into using again. They felt very vulnerable and very susceptible, but expressed that it was the price they had to pay for being clean and working toward a better life.
When I listened, I got the idea that the undercurrent of these stories was that they hated being clean, they hated that they couldn't see their friends and that they hated that they couldn't make new friends because if they didn't do drugs, they didn't have anything in common with them. It appeared that they were rather fragile and could easily fall back into their old habits if given the opportunity.
No one had any stories about how they got started. I can only assume they began their addictions because of friends. These were probably the same friends they still wanted to see. I know that if I had friends who knowingly led me on a path to self-destruction, I wouldn't want to be friends with them any more.
I was not one to judge. I would never know what they've been through and what they have to do to get better.
At the time, I had one of those detachable sound systems in my car. I pulled it out of the shaft and put it under the seat. Kelz laughed about it because she knew I didn't trust the types of people who went to these meetings. I just hoped that no one going into the meeting saw what I did.
I guess Kelz asked me to attend because she wanted me to see that she was not the only struggling with this problem and I needed to be more sympathetic with her. I know I tried to be as understanding as possible, but I probably said something here and there regarding my impression of drug addicts, especially the ones she claimed had been coming to the apartment.
We went inside. There were probably about a hundred people there. There weren't enough chairs, so several were standing on the sides of the room. A lot of them looked like they didn't want to be there. No one was smiling and there was very little conversation among the attendees.
While we were waiting for it to start, the following thought occurred to me: If I were to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I would find that were probably several people who were in there because they had broken the law and alcohol may have played a factor. It could have been an auto accident, a bar fight or running down the street naked. But there would probably be some people who were in there who hadn't run afoul of the law. Maybe they realized alcohol was tearing their family apart or perhaps there was an intervention to convince the individual to seek help. However, at an NA meeting, every single person who was there for legitimate purposes had broken the law, regardless of whether or not they were arrested.
This was a typical 12-step program and the meeting started with everyone reciting the 12 steps. Instead of voices speaking in unison, like in church, everyone just kind of mumbled it. If they hadn't been posted on a banner at the front of the room, I would have had no idea what the 12 steps were by listening to them.
There was someone who was sort of leading the meeting. He talked about the positive aspects of sobriety. And then it was time for the testimony. A few people spoke about their experiences. I remember there were three people who shared similar stories. They all said that if they wanted to stay clean, they couldn't hang out with their friends anymore. Their friends were still doing drugs and they would be apt to talk them into using again. They felt very vulnerable and very susceptible, but expressed that it was the price they had to pay for being clean and working toward a better life.
When I listened, I got the idea that the undercurrent of these stories was that they hated being clean, they hated that they couldn't see their friends and that they hated that they couldn't make new friends because if they didn't do drugs, they didn't have anything in common with them. It appeared that they were rather fragile and could easily fall back into their old habits if given the opportunity.
No one had any stories about how they got started. I can only assume they began their addictions because of friends. These were probably the same friends they still wanted to see. I know that if I had friends who knowingly led me on a path to self-destruction, I wouldn't want to be friends with them any more.
I was not one to judge. I would never know what they've been through and what they have to do to get better.
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