I knew about a week before when I wanted the magical moment between Kelz and me to take place. I had planned for it to be on a Friday night. I had given myself plenty of time to prepare for the day I would no longer be a virgin.
I had always expected to save myself for the woman I would get married to. However, I was also getting a lot more pressure than I expected from Kelz. I never thought that she would be someone I would get married to, but I also had been anticipating that it was possible I might never get married. There was kind of no point in continuing my celibacy.
Honestly, I was afraid that having sex for the first time would change everything I knew about myself: The way I feel when I see women, how I deal with them on a day to day basis, wondering if it's possible that someone I find attractive and available will like me enough to want to have sex with me.
I anticipated the major change that would take place for that particular night. We were together in bed, making out and engaging in activities of a sexual nature. I told her I was ready to make love. She excitedly got up, ran to the medicine cabinet and got a condom out of the box.
However, I had a problem. This had not been an issue during our previous sexual-but-not-sex encounters, but it was now. I guess there were go many different thoughts spinning through my mind that I couldn't get my desires out of my head so that they could spread to the relevant parts of my body. No matter what we did, it just was not going to happen that night.
I offered to engage in further sexual activity, but she was obviously frustrated, put her clothes on and left the apartment. I felt so alone then. I wondered if our relationship was going to last at this rate. And if it ended, what then? Were we still going to live together, but not be boyfriend/girlfriend? I didn't know how that was going to work out. (And I hadn't anticipated that prospect when I agreed to bring her out to San Diego.)
She came back and went straight to bed without speaking to me. I didn't know what to think.
The next day, I went to work. After I came back, we decided to do some running around. We drove to Coronado, but the car started acting up after we crossed the bridge. It seemed like it wasn't going to go any further, so I had to pull over. I thought it was low on oil. I figured we could just walk to the closest gas station, get some oil, walk back to the car and put it in. We'd be okay. It took us about 20 minutes to find a station. The whole way there and the whole way back to the car, she didn't say a thing, no matter how much I tried to engage her in conversation. The car started going again and we drove back home.
We tried to make love again that evening. Again, it just didn't happen. I was really starting to get depressed.
On Sunday, I decided to not try to drive the car anymore until I could get it fixed. I planned to take it to the mechanic's on Monday. Kelz decided to do some stuff on her own that day. I didn't feel like doing anything except sulk in the apartment.
When Kelz came back home that night, she said she had gotten into a fight. She had these three long gashes on her arm. However, they weren't bleeding and there wasn't any blood on her clothes. I have no idea what happened. I asked her if she needed to go to the emergency room to get some stitches. She said she didn't want to do that. She grabbed some hydrogen peroxide and treated her wounds with that.
We went to bed. We started kissing and I began to get aroused. I told her, "It's too bad you're not in the mood right now." She said, "Who says I'm not in the mood?"
And then we made love.
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