I completed my tale of my first girlfriend ever yesterday. However, I still have a lot of thoughts on my mind about what took place and a few theories on what may have happened. I will likely do this for all of my girlfriends. (Don't worry, I didn't have that many.) I continue to have a lot of conflicting feelings. This will become very apparent.
To start off, I was very disappointed that I only got to have one girlfriend in all of high school. As I mentioned earlier, I was aware that it would always be a struggle trying to get any girl to want me for her boyfriend. The great thing about Roz is that she had no clue about my twerpy reputation until after she broke up with me. All the other girls I had spent years going to school with knew my pattern of behavior.
I definitely would have benefitted from more experience with girls. I really needed a lot more of those two-week relationships to help me realize when I should get out of something with a lot of red flags. As it was, because of Roz, when I finally got Girlfriend #2, I was determined to make it last more than two weeks when I should have ended it after a few days. (Girlfriend #2 will not be until after I graduate from college, but don't worry, I had plenty of ups and downs with girls I dated and had crushes on up to that point that will keep you entertained.)
But looking on the bright side, it's actually a good thing that I didn't hook up with any more girls in Artesia. Because I know where Roz is now, I don't have to worry about going home to see my parents with my wife and child and wind up running into any ex-girlfriends there. I don't know how I would handle seeing someone I used to make out with while my family is forced to witness a reunion.
So what really happened to end my relationship with Roz? Having more than 30 years to review everything, I almost believe that she didn't want to deprive me of my innocence. She knew how things were going to go, but she might have felt that I wasn't ready for our relationship to turn sexual, which I wasn't. She had to be harsh with me. She had to get me to despise her. The only problem was that I had so much love to give and I wanted her to receive that. She probably didn't realize that it was going to be so hard to get rid of me. Was she really that mad at me, to the point that it would be a full year before we could kind of be civil to each other? I know I had to tick her off pretty bad with my stalker behavior.
Way back in the beginning of this blog, I wondered how things would have turned out in my life if I had taken certain paths. I'm going to take a few paragraphs to examine if my relationship with Roz would have continued.
For starters, we probably would have wound up having sex. Given Roz' reputation, she would have been able to eventually coax me into making love with her. This would have led to any of the following situations:
1. I would have gotten her pregnant. As I mentioned before, her father was very religious and he would have forced us to get married. I probably would have had to quit school and work at the refinery so I could provide for my family. Seeing as how she somehow got divorced from her first husband after having a baby, that likely would have happened to me as well. While my life would have been ruined for the most part, my mother would have been thrilled at the opportunity to be a young grandmother.
2. I would have become so distraught with losing her after having intimate contact that I would have become suicidal. This comes after knowing how bad I felt after she broke up with me without having sex. Since I didn't want to find someone else after we actually broke up, I doubt I would have gone looking for someone to have sex with me.
3. I would have become some sort of sexual deviant. Once we had sex, we would have continued to have sex, probably going on long drives to have sex in my car on Saturday nights. We probably would have snuck away during Drama class to have sex in the men's room. After a while, she would have gotten tired of having sex with me and would have broken up so that she could go have sex with someone else. I then would expect sex from any girl I dated. I would have gone out in the middle of the night to find girls who might have sex with me, even if it mean driving up to Roswell. I also might have resorted to rape without realizing I was doing anything wrong. This would have been a pattern that would have continued for the rest of my life until I got arrested for it.
4. I would have had an unbalanced view of sexuality and intimacy. In fact, I still sort of have that problem right now. I just would have had it a lot earlier in my life and it would have caused problems when I was in college and still rather immature.
I have come to this conclusion in retrospect: At the time, Roz breaking up with me was the worst thing that ever happened to me up to that point in my life. However, after a few years of reflection, I found that it was actually for the best as the four (really three) scenarios offered above would have made my current life a whole lot worse than it is now. I would have been an even bigger loser.
While this concludes my series of articles about my first girlfriend, all references to her will not completely vanish from this blog. She will be making two more appearances in future posts, so you have something to look forward to.
With the next post, I will get back to my life as scheduled. However, I may be taking a few days off from the blog to get my thoughts together about the next few chapters of my life.
I hope you'll still be there.
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