Something may have become somewhat apparent from my posts the past couple of weeks. More astute readers will have likely noticed that I was rather familiar with several female singer-songwriters from the San Diego music scene in the 1990s. I also knew several male singer-songwriters, but I attended far more performances by the women. (Just a quick note: I will not be making any references to specific people in this article, like nicknames or other identifying characteristics.)
I realized later that I did this to fill a major void that I had in my life at the time. Since it was so difficult for me to find female companionship, I sought this out as a substitute. I could go see women in intimate venues and appreciate their talent for singing and songwriting.
I do need to make clear that I never sexually fantasized about the women. But I often wanted to get to know them better after seeing them perform a few times. If they saw me come to a few of their shows, they would start conversations with me. This would typically be the beginning of the artist-patron relationship between us. These encounters would rarely progress into actual friendships, but there were a couple that did. However, these were not with major members of the San Diego music scene.
This all started in 1994, after I had produced my cassette release and was working on material for a CD release. One of my issues with marketing my material was that I was not really an active member of the scene. I started out attending a showcase for singer-songwriters at Java Joe's in Ocean Beach. One of those in the showcase was a woman whose musical style really struck a chord with me. I saw her at a couple more showcases. There were other singer-songwriters at these showcases and I started to enjoy the variety that the local music scene offered.
Most of the time, it wasn't a problem, especially if there were a lot of other people attending the performance. However, there would be those times in which there might be five people there to see the show and a couple of times in which I was the only one in attendance (at least, for the first few songs). If I was the only one there, it made for an awkward situation, so I would pick something up to read. However, I don't know if that was better or worse, because it appeared like I wasn't paying attention.
One thing I can tell you is that I was not the only person who did this. I would frequently run into the same guys in the audience at various performances. We never talked to each other or tried to become friends, but we all knew what we were there for. When I started performing my own music, one of these guys showed up. He was talking to the female vocalist for the headlining act before the show started. As soon as I got on stage, he left and did not return.
This did create a bit of a problem with my actual relationships, but it took me a while to figure out something was wrong. When I did get girlfriends, I still felt compelled to see the performances. I wanted my girlfriends to like them as much as I did. But they didn't enjoy it that much and likely viewed them as threats to the relationship. I never could convince them otherwise. I learned my lesson a little too late with them.
Since I moved away from San Diego, I don't get to see live performances that much anymore. I do miss it, but I'd miss having a real relationship even more.
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