Separate New Year's Eves

While Kelz and I were living together during her pregnancy, we almost never made any plans. We knew we were going to Artesia for Christmas, but everything else was up in the air. I was doing what I could to make sure the rent was paid and that we had food. I also brought home videotapes of network programming from work for her to watch. It was about the only entertainment we could afford.

New Year's Eve was coming and we didn't know what we were going to do. Thoz had invited us to hang out at her apartment with some friends. I wanted to go. I asked Kelz if she wanted to go. She said she didn't, but she would be fine if I went. I RSVP'd to Thoz.

Then Kelz received an invitation from a friend of hers to hang out with her to ring in the New Year. (This was a friend I had met in passing once.) This actually worked out well. I wouldn't have to worry about leaving Kelz alone at home.

I drove Kelz over to her friend's place. When we got to the address, her friend was outside. Kelz got out of the car and started crossing the street. Then Brod (the baby daddy) came out. Kelz actually appeared pleased to see him. I remained in the car and drove off. I didn't say anything to Brod.

I went to Thoz', but I had a hard time having fun. I was worried about Kelz. I was really concerned about the possibility that she was going to do drugs while she was with Brod and the level of sobriety she had attained during the last four months was all going to go down the drain. I also didn't know if she was ever going to come back to the house. There was a part of me that wanted that to happen, but another part that wanted to keep her safe. I was very torn.

At Thoz', we rang in the New Year by watching a special on TV that featured the implosion of a hotel in Las Vegas. During this time, I reflected on where I was at one year ago. I was in the process of moving into a new apartment, eagerly awaiting Kelz' arrival on the bus. I remembered how much optimism I had at the time and how bleak everything was right now. Somehow, the destruction of a hotel appeared to be a perfect metaphor for what was going on in my life at the moment. I knew what was coming, I knew there was going to be a big mess to clean up, but after it's been cleared out of the way, I would just rebuild and move on, like I've done many times before.

I went home and went to bed. Kelz was still out. This was how I started 1997, not being able to sleep very well. Kelz came back home the next day. She said she had a nice visit with Brod, and admitted to smoking some weed, but that was all she did. She wanted to continue living with me until the baby was born.

Part of me was glad and part of me was sad.