Post-Partum

After Kelz gave birth to Sasd, there was a lot to do. I called work and gave them the good news. I told them I would be in later to finish what I started earlier in the day and I would work the next morning, but I would need three days off after that. They didn't have a problem with it.

Then I called Mom. She was very excited. I told her about how the baby had a bowel movement in the womb. She said I did the same thing when I was born. She spoke to Kelz and told her that if she needed her to come out to let her know. I called Dad to let him know what happened, but we really didn't talk that much about the situation. He was glad that Kelz and Sasd were okay. He did say that if I needed help with money or something, to let him know.

I called all my friends. They were all aware of what was going on and were excited, but also very cautious in their optimism. I couldn't blame them.

I went to work and started setting up things so I could be gone for a few days. After I was done, I went back to the hospital. Kelz told me she called Mom and asked her to come out and assist. I was glad Mom was coming out. Also, Kelz had decided to use formula to feed the baby. I think she was afraid that her days of heroin addiction may have had an impact on her ability to breastfeed.

Kelz and I ate our dinners. We were also provided with a bottle of sparkling apple cider. We poured it into cups and raised them to toast. I enjoyed my steak dinner.

Later, we watched tapes of shows I had brought from work, including "Dark Shadows" and "Days of Our Lives." We then fell asleep. I went to bed on the couch in the room. The staff had told us ahead of time that they were going to take the baby out around midnight and administer medications and take her picture. I must have been really tired, because I don't remember anyone coming in or out.

I woke up at 4:30am and went to work. We had been told that Kelz and Sasd would likely be discharged by noon that day. I tried to rush through everything at work so I would be done in time. Around 10am, Kelz called and asked what time I was going to be there. I told her about noon, because that was the time the nurse had told us. Around 10:30am, Kelz called back and told me the staff REALLY wanted her out of there ASAP.

I was able to leave work, but I still had to get stuff ready at the house. We didn't have a place for Sasd to sleep. I pulled out a drawer from my dresser which had a bunch of old jeans in it. I put a blanket over the jeans and put the drawer next to the bed. This was going to be where Sasd would sleep. I also tried to install the car seat, but it was taking too long to figure out. I had to get to the hospital.

I arrived and went to the Kelz' room. She and Sasd were dressed and ready to go. The staff basically wanted us to leave right away. I felt bad, but I realized that there appeared to be no other women in the maternity ward, so I wondered what the rush was.

I apologized to Kelz and explained that I couldn't set up the car seat. I asked her to hold Sasd very closely while we drove home and I would get the seat properly installed later. I did not take the highway.

While we were driving home, I realized that we didn't get to enjoy the mad dash to the hospital like I'd seen on TV and the movies. This was because we didn't think she was going into labor. Really, that was a good thing because I wasn't putting anyone's life at risk.

We got home safely. A neighbor saw us and said, "Oh, you had the baby?" She got to see Sasd right before we went inside. Kelz laid down and went to sleep. I held Sasd for awhile. She started getting fussy. I tried to figure out what to do. First, I changed her diaper, but she was still fussy. I determined that maybe she needed formula, so I was able to heat some up in a pot of boiling water and give it to her. It seemed to be just what she needed. I continued to hold her as she fell asleep.

I wondered about the commitment I was making. I wondered how long we were going to be a family. Things had recently improved between me and Kelz, but I couldn't help but worry about what would happen in the future. All I really knew was that this was just going to be something that would constantly be on a day to day basis. I couldn't make any long-range plans. All I could do was go to work and help provide for Kelz and Sasd. Maybe this might work.

The three of us went to bed later that night. Sasd had some trouble falling asleep. I figured out that since she had been born, there had always been a light on in the hospital room. I happened to have a night light in the house. I plugged it into a socket near the drawer she was sleeping in. Shortly after, she fell asleep. Kelz and I conked out soon after.

In the middle of the night, I could hear a bit of a commotion outside. I could hear two men talking in the path behind the apartment, but outside the bedroom window. I couldn't really hear what they were saying. I got the idea that one of them was Brod. Suddenly, their silhouettes appeared on the blinds. They seemed to act like they were going to break into the apartment. There were bars on the outside, so I don't know what they thought they were going to accomplish. I mentally prepared for an invasion. However, they turned around an went away. If one of them was Brod, I think he was trying to see if he could peer into the window to catch a glimpse of his daughter. But it was still unsettling and I couldn't sleep for several hours.

The thought occurred to me: Maybe this might not work.

Not what we expected

Monday night, March 24, 1997, started out like an average day for us. I went to work, Kelz stayed home and slept. I came home and we ate. The Academy Awards were going to be on that night and I was looking forward to watching it. Kelz didn't really care.

While I watched, Kelz did something I'd never seen her do before: She started cleaning the apartment. Usually, I did all the cleaning because Kelz simply would not do housework. But there she was, sweeping, mopping and wiping the counters. She did this all during the show, stopping only to watch Jim Carrey present an award.

The next morning, I went to work. Around 9am, Kelz called me and told me that she was feeling pain in her stomach area. However, it didn't feel like contractions. I told my boss at work I needed to leave. I would only be gone a couple of hours while I took her to see her OB/GYN. Her doctor actually practiced in two locations: The one by where I worked and the other at an office in La Mesa. When I called to make an urgent appointment, I was told he was in La Mesa that day. I picked her up and we drove to the office, which was next to the hospital where Kelz was supposed to give birth. We didn't say anything on the ride over.

We checked in at the office. She was taken back. A few minutes later, she came out and she was smiling. I asked her what was going on. "The doctor says I'm having the baby! We have to walk over to the hospital." I was surprised. This did happen to be the day after her second projected due date, but I thought there would be more time. We walked across the parking lot and across the street to the hospital.

She hadn't really been given instructions on where to go once we got there, so we went into the emergency room. They told us we needed to go to maternity, but they offered to have a nurse bring a wheelchair to transport Kelz over there. We checked in at the front desk and she was wheeled into a hospital room. I was with her the whole time. I called work and let them know she was having the baby and it was going to take more than a couple of hours before I could return.

Something that I hadn't mentioned on this blog before is that I've seen "The Film." In my Marriage and Family class at ENMU, we were shown a first aid film from the 1960's that demonstrated how to assist in the delivery of a baby if you're weren't at a hospital or had no doctor around. The film featured an actual birth. The most stirring aspect of the film was the amount of blood and amniotic fluid that was gushing out of the woman's vagina. This was what I was expecting in the delivery room and I had to brace myself for it.

So I was surprised when the doctor inserted a catheter and drained the blood and fluid out. There would be no gushing liquids shooting across the room. However, there was something I didn't expect to see. Fecal matter came out. That meant that the baby had a bowel movement in the womb and they were going to have to use a suction device to remove it out of the baby's lungs before she took her first breath.

Then they applied the epidural. This was painful to watch as they inserted it into her spine. At this point, I recalled all the movies and TV shows that featured women giving birth. Every single thing I had watched before was suddenly happening right now: The screaming, the crying, the cursing, the waving of arms, the vomiting. IT WAS ALL TRUE!

In the middle of all this, I REALLY needed to go to the bathroom. I was afraid that if I left, the baby would pop out and I would have missed it. But I got to the point I could no longer wait, so I took my chance. Fortunately, there was an adjoining bathroom. I went in and tried to force the urine out as quickly as possible. I speedily washed my hands and went back out. Kelz was screaming. Nothing had changed. WHEW!

I held Kelz' hand the rest of the time. During the delivery, the doctor asked the nurse if she had seen the Academy Awards the night before. He talked how "The English Patient" had won, but he didn't think much of that movie. I thought it was an odd conversation to have with staff in the middle of all this.

I saw the top of the baby's head crowning. I whispered to Kelz, "It's got hair!" Then I saw the baby's face emerge. She had developed skin pigment. I whispered to Kelz, "It's Brod's." One of the doctors used the suction device and was able to remove all the fecal material. They were then able to complete the delivery.

It only took 90 minutes for the baby to be born after we had checked into maternity. I was glad it didn't take that long. I've heard horror stories about women being in labor for 24 hours or more before the baby was born.

Next, the doctor removed the placenta. I did not want to touch it. The nurse quickly gave the baby a bath and asked, "Does the daddy want to cut the umbilical cord?" My first reaction was, "Can they not tell I'm not the father?" I told her I wasn't the daddy. "Okay. Do you still want to cut the cord?" "Yeah, I'll cut it." I quickly snipped it. "Great job!"

Then, the nurse brought the baby over to Kelz so she could hold her. Kelz lightly kissed the baby. I put my arms around the two of them. It felt like we were a family. Kelz said to the baby, "Oh, you're already spoiled."

Then she asked, "What am I going to name you?" She thought for a moment. "I'll name you 'Sasd.'" She just as quickly came up with a middle name to go along with it. This surprised me, because we hadn't even discussed names during the last seven months. I didn't really have a stake in it, so I never brought up the subject.

Kelz told me about some of her experience during the delivery. For starters, she said the epidural wore off right before the baby crowned and she could feel everything! But she knew they wouldn't be able to insert another one. Also, she didn't remember me whispering that the baby had hair, but she did remember me telling her that it was Brod's.

The nurse told me that the hospital kitchen would prepare a congratulatory meal for the father and handed me a menu. I didn't hesitate this time. I was not about to turn down a free steak dinner.

At this point, I looked down and realized that my fly had been unzipped during the entire delivery after I got out of the bathroom. I guess no one noticed with everything else going on.

More to come tomorrow.

What next?

One day, after a visit to the doctor's office, I finally got up the courage to ask what Kelz was going to do once she had the baby. Her response was, "I thought me and the baby were going to continue living with you." I sighed very deeply.

"No, that's not going to happen. As much as I love you and care about you, I can't help you raise a child who's not mine." "WELL, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?" "I don't know. I'm only letting you live with me so that you can have a healthy baby. This is something we've needed to discuss for a long time and I'm sorry we have to talk about it just a couple of months before you give birth." "WELL, I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE IT UP FOR ADOPTION AND THEN YOU CAN KICK MY ASS TO THE CURB AGAIN!"

But this had always been a problem with Kelz. She typically did things without discussing them with me first. She (allegedly) started having NA meetings at our house. She got her tongue pierced. She started "hustling." And now, she was expecting me to be okay with being responsible for a little human being and roll with it like I had the other stuff.

Another issue what that, even though she was able to get on Medi-Cal, she was not able to get on Welfare. Her explanation was that the caseworker happened to be the ex-wife of Brod (the baby daddy). I sort of don't believe this was true. They likely denied her Welfare claim because she told them about me and my income level, but she didn't want to tell me that.

She started making calls to find out about adoption options. She received some stuff in the mail that showed a few families looking to adopt a baby. They all seemed nice, but I was still left with another problem: If she gave the baby up for adoption, what was going to happen to Kelz? I wasn't planning on having her stay with me. I knew that once the baby was no longer in the picture, she would be back to her old ways before I knew it and she would always be angry at me for making her give up her child.

I guess Kelz figured that for her to keep the baby and have a place to stay, things needed to improve between us. Late one Saturday night, I had to go to work to load the tapes for the next day. She was sitting in the comfy chair. I gave her a hug, and the next thing I know, we started kissing passionately. I had to tear myself away because my work depended on having those tapes loaded on time. When I returned, she was not interested in picking up where we left off.

Sometime later, I asked if I could touch her tummy. "Go ahead." I could feel the baby moving inside. It was constant. There was no break in the movement. I put my ear to her belly and I could hear the baby's heartbeat. I was stunned. This was the first time I'd gotten to experience this.

And I got addicted to that. Sometimes, I could just sit there for a half-hour at a time, feel the baby move and listen to her heartbeat. Kelz also started being more affectionate with me.

Kelz and I also started sleeping in bed together. I was slowly feeling like things were getting to a good place. Good enough that I actually wanted to help Kelz raise the baby.

And I must have let my co-workers know this, because they decided to throw a baby shower for her (even though they were all fully aware of the drama she caused when she first moved in with me). We arranged it to be a surprise. When Kelz had a doctor's appointment, I told her I needed to get something at work. We went in and received several gifts, including a car seat and clothes. Kelz was very pleased by this.

So, it looked like, against my better judgement, a baby was on her way into my home.

Kelz and the Book of Mormon

While I was at work all day, Kelz spent most of her awake time watching TV. During the daytime, there would be all these commercials from the Mormon church offering viewers a free copy of the Book of Mormon. I guess she decided to get something for free, so she called up and ordered one.

And I don't know if she was seriously considering bringing up her child in this religion, but I'm not certain that she was aware that the Book really wasn't "free." The church didn't just ship it to your address. They would send a couple of missionaries over and give a theological lesson when delivering the Book. If you weren't willing to invite them into your home and let them talk to you, you didn't get the book.

One day, I got a phone call from someone who identified himself as "Elder P." He was trying to set up an appointment to come over to meet with Kelz. Kelz was awake, so I got her on the phone. After she talked to the guy a little, she told me that he was going to come over to the apartment on a certain date at 2pm.

The day before that appointment, but at 2pm, the doorbell rang. I saw two young men around 18-19 years old. One of them was wearing a dark blue blazer and had glasses. The other was wearing the stereotypical short-sleeved shirt with a black tie. The one in the blazer introduced himself as Elder P. My first thought was, "Elder? Really?" I told them that the appointment was for the next day. They said they would come back then. Elder P invited me to join the meeting. I told him I would consider it.

The next day at 2pm, the doorbell rang. It was the same two missionaries. I let them in the house. Kelz came out of the bedroom and sat down in the comfy chair. They sat on the floor on both sides of Kelz. I sat on the floor a few feet back. Kelz looked at me and motioned her head toward the door. I said, "They invited me to join the meeting." "I want you to leave." Elder P said, "We'll be done in about an hour."

I drove around and ran a few errands during that hour. As I came back to the apartment, I saw the missionaries coming out the door. They had smiles on their faces. Elder P said to Kelz, "It was nice meeting you." They both saw me coming in. They said goodbye to me and were on their way.

I asked Kelz how it went. "Okay." "Are you thinking about becoming a Mormon?" "I don't know." I looked at the Book of Mormon she received. This was the first time I'd flipped through the pages of a copy. I saw how it was patterned very much after the Bible.

I put the incident out of my mind until the next day when the doorbell rang. I opened it and saw FOUR new missionaries outside. One had the blazer and the other three had white shirts. "Is Kelz here?" "NO! SHE'S NOT! GO AWAY!" I slammed the door and we never got any more visitors from the Mormon church ever again.

To this day, I have no idea what she did to those missionaries. Whatever it was, they must have told their friends, who felt they had to come check it out themselves.

A popular myth appears to be true

During the three weeks that Perd lived with us, I decided to show him one of the episodes of "Denver Diner" that I had done. He found it fascinating that I attempted to be an actor at one point.

Like many people, when I'm watching myself on TV, I'm very hypercritical of my appearance. I mean, I was proud of my performance, but I didn't like the way I looked when I was on screen. I had this severe acne cluster along my jawline on both sides of my face. I've heard of this condition referred to as "p***y bumps." I'm certain most people didn't notice, but I knew they were there, because I was constantly working to rid myself of them. It didn't matter how much I popped and squirted, they were always there.

When I watched the show, those bumps looked as large as smallpox marks. Even though someone I had known for years was watching, I felt like Perd could see them and was focused on them.

Suddenly, I realized that I hadn't really dealt with the bumps much lately. I ran to the mirror and I was surprised that I didn't have that condition anymore. I'd heard the myth for years that once you've had actual sex, your skin clears up. However, I never thought it was true until then.

And I still don't know for a fact that it's true. It could be a coincidence that my skin finally matured at the age of 32. But I did find it odd that it took me an entire year to notice that something that drastic had changed about me.

But I still get regular zits, so maybe my skin hasn't fully matured. Maybe I haven't matured mentally, either.

An unplanned visitor

Toward the end of January 1997, I got a surprise phone call, it was from Perd, Chez' stepbrother. He was in Poway, just a few miles north of San Diego. He was there to see his father and half-brother. He wanted to look me up and hang out for a bit.

I drove up and somehow managed to find him (without GPS or Google Maps). I hadn't seen him in about seven years. He had grown his hair long. He told me that in the time that I'd last saw him, he'd had a child. However, he and the mother never got married. They lived together while she was pregnant, but decided she didn't want him around after she had the baby.

We just drove around San Diego a bit and talked. We didn't mention Chez. Perd told me he had been playing bass in a band in Roswell and was hoping to find a band here he could play with. I took him back to his father's and we figured that we'd be hanging out some more in the near future.

About a week later, Perd called me and told me he had found a job in Downtown San Diego. Since it was too far to drive from Poway, he asked if he could stay with me and Kelz for a couple of weeks until he got enough money to get his own place. I asked Kelz and she didn't have a problem with it.

I told Perd he needed to draw from his experience living with a pregnant woman when dealing with Kelz. He knew what to expect. I told him that she basically slept all the time, so he probably wasn't going to have much contact with her. But if she was asleep in the living room, he couldn't watch TV or do much else.

The sleeping arrangements were that he would sleep in his sleeping bag on the floor in the bedroom. This wasn't a problem. I tried to be very quiet when I woke up early in the morning to go to work. I guess he was a heavy sleeper. One morning, he woke up and it appeared that I was still in bed. He thought that I was going to be late for work, but he saw that it was Kelz in the bed. I had managed to leave and she came into the bedroom and got into the bed without waking him up.

The job Perd had was working for a telemarketing company. It was obviously one of those ripoff operations, but he didn't really care as long as they paid him.

Perd and I would go out to see live local music. One Friday night, on February 14th, all three of us went to a Valentine's Day showcase at the Wikiup Cafe. Abed
was going to be performing. The opening act was a group I was familiar with, which performed most percussive music. Perd was impressed and thought about how the rhythm could be integrated into other musical projects.

When Abed got up to play, he started having a little breakdown because it was Valentine's Day and he didn't have anyone special in his life at that time. He didn't feel like he had anything to offer to the theme. The organizer of the showcase got up and explained that it was called a Valentine's Day showcase only because that happened to be the day it was scheduled, not because it was supposed to be the theme surrounding the presentation of the various acts. Abed was able to complete his set. Perd enjoyed the angst-filled performance.

Otherwise, Kelz and Perd didn't have much interaction. She was still angry about the last Chez encounter, but seemed to tolerate Perd's presence. Since I had to go to bed early and Kelz was sleeping all the time, Perd was able to keep himself occupied by reading my collection of comic books. At first, he did that by sitting in the bathtub. When he told me that, I showed him how he could shut the door to the sink area of the bathroom to keep the light out of the living room and sit at the make up table section next to the sink. He seemed to prefer doing that.

One thing that Perd found surprising was that Kelz and I would watch "Dark Shadows." He thought it was weird that we were both into this soap opera from the 1960s.

After about three weeks, Perd got his first paycheck. It was way less than what he was expecting. He decided to quit that job and find something else. He was going to move back in with his father until he could figure out what that was going to be.

I wished that things that been that easy when I was living with Chez.

(This is not the end of the story with Perd. I continued seeing him from time to time over the next year and a half and he will appear in a couple more posts, including tomorrow.)

Got to See the Doctor

The first few months that Kelz was pregnant, I didn't know what her plans were. She never asked to go see a doctor. We didn't discuss taking her to a hospital when she went into labor or anything. And I didn't know what to expect.

My biggest fear was that she wanted to have the baby off the grid. I was afraid I would come home one day to see a big blood stain on the bed, soiled towels scattered all over the floor and a placenta on the bar. I was not looking forward to this.

One day, Kelz said, "I'm feeling some pain. This isn't normal. I think I need to see the doctor." I told her there was an OB/GYN clinic around the corner from my workplace. I would go over there and see what could be done about having her seen.

Several months earlier (before the first road trip to Artesia), I had encountered someone from the clinic who had locked himself in the parking structure. They were closing down the clinic during the week of the Republican National Convention (which was in San Diego that year) because they didn't want to have to deal with anti-abortion protesters. He gave me the keys so that I could go inside and find the door to the structure. He was very thankful. However, the Monday after the convention, they returned to work to be greeted by protesters.

I went into the office and spoke to the receptionist. I told her I had a friend who was several months pregnant and hadn't seen a doctor yet. She had no insurance. She told me that she would be able to assist in getting Kelz on Medi-Cal and she would be able to get an appointment that day. This was GREAT news! I set the appointment and drove home to get Kelz. Even though Kelz was experiencing pain, she really wasn't ready to go to the doctor. I was able to get her to relent.

We went to the clinic and had a seat. She was taken back. I waited in the lobby. She came out about an hour later. The doctor said that the pain wasn't really anything to be worried about, it was normal. Kelz also said that when the doctor felt her tummy, he said there was a lot of activity in the womb, almost too much for one baby. It was possible she might be having twins. In addition, the doctor had given her a due date of April 13th, 1997. At the time, it seemed so far off.

Our next step was to apply for benefits. I remembered what happened the last time I went to the Welfare office (which is the same place you sign up for Medi-Cal). I told Kelz she was going to have to wait there all day before she got to see someone. We were instructed to go to a different Welfare office in San Diego. We arrived early in the morning and did not encounter a long line. We checked in and sat down in the lobby. A couple of other women commented on how things were different at this office. They had been at the other office before and all recalled how terrible the experience was. One woman who was there had recently found a job and got off Welfare. But she wasn't able to make ends meet with daycare, so she had to quit her job and was pretty much forced to go back on Welfare.

After waiting a few more minutes, I told Kelz I was going back to work and for her to call me after she was done speaking to a social worker. I thought she was going to be there all day. However, just a few minutes after I'd arrived a work, she called and told me to come pick her up. THAT WAS FAST! She was able to sign up for Medi-Cal and would have her doctor visits and delivery taken care of.

During her next appointment with the doctor, she had an ultrasound. It was determined that she was going to have only one baby and it would be a girl. This surprised Kelz. Her last two children had been boys. She couldn't believe that she was going to have a girl this time.

On the next visit, in the middle of March, the doctor changed her due date. It was now going to be March 24th! I thought that was a terrible thing for the doctor to do by taking three weeks away from us.

However, this did temporarily change the dynamic. I told Kelz that the last time we'd done something was June 25th, just one day past nine months from the due date. There was a possibility that I could be the father. But it was highly unlikely, because I used a condom. But she did stop acting like what was going on with her was none of my business.

It was a nice change of pace from the previous five months.

Aunt Mard's funeral

I woke up the day of Aunt Mard's funeral and ate breakfast at my relatives'. Everyone I saw was in a somber mood. It was like several other funerals I had attended before. People were glad to see me, but it seemed like they'd rather it be during happier occasions.

I got to meet up with Mom, Dend and Loyd. I got some more information about the accident. Apparently, the person who struck Mard was an off-duty police officer. He hadn't been drinking or anything. That still didn't help. But the situation had just gotten a little worse. After Mard had passed away, it had been decided by all the family members that the funeral would have a closed casket. This was because the accident had drastically altered Mard's face. However, at dinner the night before, her husband Hed stated that he didn't think Mard looked all that bad and that the funeral would be open casket.

On top of this, Hed had a cassette of Christian music that he and Mard enjoyed listening to. He wanted the entire tape to play at the service and to have everyone in attendance just listen to that for an hour. That part didn't happen, but they were going to do the open casket.

Dend took me and Loyd to a clothing store. He said he would buy us some shirts for the funeral. I didn't need him to buy me a shirt because I had brought one to wear. However, Loyd picked out a shirt that was the same color as mine (dark blue) and I decided I wanted to wear a different shirt. I was able to get a black one.

We went to a different relative's house and waited to go to the funeral. A lot of family members I hadn't seen in a long time came over. We spent a lot of time trying to catch up with everyone.

We went to the funeral home for the service. Dend pointed out the man who had hit Mard with his car. He appeared to be a few years younger than me. He didn't really look like a cop. And he didn't wear his uniform. I could only imagine what he was going through. I don't know how I would feel if someone had died after I had accidentally hit them with my car. Even though I was likely not at fault, I would be so stricken with grief, I wouldn't be able to attend the funeral.

It was a pleasant service. At the end, we all walked by Mard's coffin. Mom was right. She didn't look like the Aunt Mard I knew and grew up with. But I could see Hed's point. She wasn't horribly disfigured. However, when I search my memories of the funeral, I don't recall how her face appeared in the coffin. I only see the face of Mard that I remember. I was actually glad I got to see her that one last time.

Loyd and I talked to Hed for a little bit. We told him we were sorry, but he seemed to be okay. He wasn't expressing any sorrow. He appeared to be glad that the whole family came to the funeral. He said that was what Mard wanted. (Usually, I'll state that I wasn't aware at the time that I would see someone. But in this case, both Loyd and I were fairly certain we would never see Hed again. And so far, we haven't.)

At one point, I was in the car with Mom, Cind, Ord, Aunt Merd and Loyd. We were driving somewhere. Loyd and I were in the back seat. Mom was in the front seat. At one point, she turned around and asked what was going to happen when Kelz had the baby. I told her I didn't know. We were still a few months away from her giving birth. We hadn't really discussed what would happen after that.

Mom: "Well, you'd better be careful. She could claim you're the father on the birth certificate and you'd be responsible!"

Me: "Oh, Kelz isn't going to do that."

Mom: "How did you know she's not going to do that?"

Me: "Well, she's not going to be able to do that."

Mom: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN she's not going to be able to do that?"

Me: "BECAUSE THE FATHER IS BLACK!"

All of a sudden, EVERYONE in the car started SCREAMING! You'd think we were about to hit a fuel tanker. After everything had settled down, we discussed the situation a little bit more, but didn't reach any real conclusion because I had no idea what Kelz was thinking about doing.

Loyd arranged to have me and him spend that night at the home of one of our second cousins. While there, Loyd asked about what Hed was to us. Since he and Mard had no children, was he still our uncle? I told him that they had been married for 22 years. By comparison, Dad's oldest sister was married when she was 18, but died very soon after. Since this happened years before we were born and there were no children, I wouldn't consider that guy our uncle. But Hed was still my uncle, even without the blood tie.

Then we got into a discussion of our extended family. I explained how the cousin we were staying with and her sister were our second cousins, but their mother (who was Mom's cousin) was our first cousin once removed. Loyd had trouble grasping the concept of "once removed" until I explained that it meant a generation removed. The older sister had a child. I also explained that the child was our second cousin once removed. If Loyd or I had children, they would be third cousins with that child.

The cousin we were staying with had a spare bedroom. Loyd slept in there. I slept on the couch. The next morning, there were a couple of vans to take several family members back to the Albuquerque/Santa Fe area. Since we would arrive hours before I needed to be at the airport, they dropped me off with a second cousin who had an apartment in Albuquerque and he agreed to drive me to the airport. We just hung out for a couple of hours and watched "Legend... (wait for it) ...s of the Fall" on his VCR.

He dropped me off at the airport. I checked in and got my boarding passes. Once I got on the plane, there was a problem. There was a lot of snow and ice on the wings, so we had to sit there and wait for about 30 minutes while they thawed them out. But I only had a brief layover in Phoenix scheduled and I was afraid we weren't going to leave in time.

We did get to Phoenix and I was able to find the gate. They were still boarding, but I was apparently the last passenger to get on. I found my seat. As I was getting situated, I told the couple in my row that my first flight got held up because of the snow. The guy (who was about my age) said, "Oh, that's terrible." For the first time in my life, I could tell that someone was being sarcastic and didn't really care about anything I had to say. I didn't like that the ability to detect that took several years to develop.

We arrived in San Diego with no trouble. I was able to take the bus home. Kelz was still there. She told me she cried when I left because she was used to me babying her when she was sick.

For once, it felt good to be home.

Bad news after New Year's

On New Year's Day 1997, my Mom called me and was very upset. Her sister Mard had been hit by a car and was taken to the hospital in Farmington. She wasn't expected to live after they took her off life support.

Apparently, what happened was that she and her husband Hed were crossing the street. Hed crossed first in front of a car and was able to get the driver to stop. Hed supposedly signaled for Mard to cross, but the driver thought he was signalling to continue driving, and he hit Mard.

Mom was already there, as were Ord, Cind and Grandma Bend. She said she would call me once they found out what was going to happen with Mard. I recalled how I had briefly spoken to Aunt Mard on the phone when I went to Mom's for Christmas. I immediately regretted that I sort of gave her the brush off and only talked to her for about 30 seconds before handing the phone to someone else.

Mom called back later and informed me Mard had passed away after being taken off life support. She said it was for the best. When she had first arrived and saw her in the hospital, it was apparent that Mard was responding to the sound of their voices. But the next day, there was no response whatsoever. She knew Mard was no longer with us.

I told Mom I wanted to be there for the funeral, but I couldn't afford to fly out. Mom said she would try to arrange something for me. A few hours later, she told me she was able to get a bereavement fare on AmericaWest Airlines. I would be flying from San Diego to Phoenix, where I would change planes, and then I would fly to Albuquerque. Family members would pick me up there and take me to Farmington. I would be there the night before the funeral.

The bad thing was that Kelz couldn't come with me. I was going to have to leave her at home alone. I had no choice but to trust that bad things wouldn't happen at the apartment if I wasn't there.

I was able to get Thoz
to come to the apartment to drive me to the airport. Before I left, I gave Kelz $5 to help her get by the next few days. (It was really all I could give her, but we did have plenty of food at the house.) To make things worse, Kelz was feeling a little under the weather.

I had been on airplanes a few times before, but it had been almost 13 years since my last flight and this would be my first time to depart from a major airport all by myself. I felt like I had no clue what I was supposed to do. I checked in at the front counter and got my seating assignment. My luggage was carry-on, so I didn't have to deal with checking my bag. I went to the gate and waited to see what would happen next.

I just basically followed the crowd at the gate. When everyone stood up, I stood up. Some semblance of a line formed, I gave the attendant my boarding pass and I made my way down the hallway toward the plane. This was the first time I was on a plane in which I walked past the first class section. I saw how nice the seats were. Then I saw the seats in coach. I immediately understood the difference.

I was surprised to see that all the seats on the plane came equipped with air phones and screens on the back of the seats. The screens featured entertainment you had to pay for, but also included news stories that you could view for free. You had to use the phone to scroll through the information. However, the entertainment section appeared to be provided by British tabloids. Some of the stories were a little racy. I wondered about children getting access to this.

Before we received our drinks and snacks, I found some cheese and crackers in the pouch that had been left by a previous passenger. I found out later these were the first class snacks. This felt like a major score!

We arrived safely in Phoenix. I didn't have to go very far to make my connecting flight. I now knew what I was expected to do as a passenger. I got on the next plane like a pro.

Unfortunately, we hit some bad turbulence on the way to Albuquerque. This was a one-hour flight and we spent half of it trying to keep the plane in the air. I remember getting a little mad that the drink and snack service was being delayed, but I knew it couldn't be helped (even though first class got their stuff just fine).

I arrived in Albuquerque to be greeted by some family members I hadn't seen in years. We loaded up in a van and drove to Farmington. It took about three hours. I tried to fall asleep, but I had too much on my mind. I was dropped off at a relative's house, where I would spend the night on the couch.

I would get to see Mom and the rest of the family the next day.

Separate New Year's Eves

While Kelz and I were living together during her pregnancy, we almost never made any plans. We knew we were going to Artesia for Christmas, but everything else was up in the air. I was doing what I could to make sure the rent was paid and that we had food. I also brought home videotapes of network programming from work for her to watch. It was about the only entertainment we could afford.

New Year's Eve was coming and we didn't know what we were going to do. Thoz had invited us to hang out at her apartment with some friends. I wanted to go. I asked Kelz if she wanted to go. She said she didn't, but she would be fine if I went. I RSVP'd to Thoz.

Then Kelz received an invitation from a friend of hers to hang out with her to ring in the New Year. (This was a friend I had met in passing once.) This actually worked out well. I wouldn't have to worry about leaving Kelz alone at home.

I drove Kelz over to her friend's place. When we got to the address, her friend was outside. Kelz got out of the car and started crossing the street. Then Brod (the baby daddy) came out. Kelz actually appeared pleased to see him. I remained in the car and drove off. I didn't say anything to Brod.

I went to Thoz', but I had a hard time having fun. I was worried about Kelz. I was really concerned about the possibility that she was going to do drugs while she was with Brod and the level of sobriety she had attained during the last four months was all going to go down the drain. I also didn't know if she was ever going to come back to the house. There was a part of me that wanted that to happen, but another part that wanted to keep her safe. I was very torn.

At Thoz', we rang in the New Year by watching a special on TV that featured the implosion of a hotel in Las Vegas. During this time, I reflected on where I was at one year ago. I was in the process of moving into a new apartment, eagerly awaiting Kelz' arrival on the bus. I remembered how much optimism I had at the time and how bleak everything was right now. Somehow, the destruction of a hotel appeared to be a perfect metaphor for what was going on in my life at the moment. I knew what was coming, I knew there was going to be a big mess to clean up, but after it's been cleared out of the way, I would just rebuild and move on, like I've done many times before.

I went home and went to bed. Kelz was still out. This was how I started 1997, not being able to sleep very well. Kelz came back home the next day. She said she had a nice visit with Brod, and admitted to smoking some weed, but that was all she did. She wanted to continue living with me until the baby was born.

Part of me was glad and part of me was sad.

Worlds Unexpectedly Collide... Again!

After the Christmas debacle at Mom's house, Kelz and I left for our next destination: Clovis. That's right. We were going to see Chez and Joad again. But this time was going to be different. Chez and Joad were living on their own, so I wasn't going to have to deal with Jyd and Kyd. This was going to be a quality visit.

I knew that Kelz had no interest in seeing Chez again. But I wasn't going to be able to leave her at Mom's house while being away for at least eight hours. Mom would not be able to put up with that. I had to bring Kelz with me.

However, Kelz' presence was going to put a cramp in my agenda while I was visiting Chez. I had it in my mind that there was a possibility that Chez and I were going to try to make love. I had packed condoms just in case. I just had to figure out how we were going to make that happen if Kelz was hanging around. I really didn't get my hopes that high, but I know I would have gotten angry at myself if the opportunity had presented itself and I was unprepared.

When Kelz and I left Artesia, Mom did not extend an invitation for her to come back again. I think she learned her lesson. Kelz and I drove up to Clovis without incident.

An odd coincidence was that Chez now lived below the apartment where I used to live in Clovis. I have no idea how that happened, but I was glad she didn't wind up in the welfare slums.

When we got to the apartment complex, Kelz said she was going to stay in the car while I visited her. My first thought was, "This resolves all my problems!" I went to Chez' door and knocked. Chez answered and we quickly hugged. She told me Joad was asleep. "This keeps getting better and better!" I thought. Then Chez asked, "Where's Kelz?" "She said she was just going to stay in the car." "Well, she just can't wait out here. I'll go tell her to come inside." DAAAAAMMMMNNNN!

Kelz begrudgingly got out of the car. We went inside. This was the first time I had set foot in this unit. One thing I didn't know until I went in was that it contained the hot water heater for the entire complex. In the living room! I recalled that if the downstairs apartment was running hot water, I wouldn't get any. This explained why.

Chez and I sat on the couch. Kelz sat on the floor in front of the TV. A syndicated episode of "The Simpsons" was on. Chez and I caught up on stuff and we were acting a little flirtatious toward each other, but there was no touching. I didn't realize it at the time, but Kelz was getting very jealous. I would find out later that she thought I was rubbing this in her face. I really wasn't. (I figured out later that she must have found the condoms. Since we weren't having sex, it probably didn't take her long to figure out who I was planning to have sex with.)

Joad woke up and I got to spend a little time with him. Afterward, Chez and I hugged and said our goodbyes. Kelz and I started driving home. I had planned to get us all the way into Arizona before we stopped, but I was feeling very tired when we came to Alamogordo. We stayed at the Alamo Inn.

The next morning, I was ready to hit the road, but Kelz didn't want to leave just yet. I was hoping to get back to San Diego early that day so that I would get a chance to rest up before returning to work, but she refused to move. We just sat around and watched reruns of "The Dukes of Hazzard" on TNN. About 15 minutes before we were supposed to check out, Kelz finally got out of bed and got ready to go.

And this was another "same planet, different worlds" scenario that I finally realized. In my world, you only stayed at a motel during a road trip to get some sleep. When morning came, you got up and hit the road. In her world, you got your money's worth out of a motel by staying there until someone came over and kicked your butt out. I should be thankful that didn't happen while we were there.

We got home without incident and I returned to work the next day. But things weren't normal for long. Another earth-shattering event was just around the corner. That will be coming up soon.

An actual conclusion to part of this tale: I didn't know this while it was happening, but that would be the last time I would see Chez and Joad. We did continue to keep in touch for the next year. Then all communication broke off. I've already written of her current whereabouts. As for Joad, I found a recent photo that his father posted on Facebook. I'm not certain where he's living, but he looks like a speed freak. I really feel sorry for the environment in which he was raised.

But it's not my problem.

A Christmas Road Trip, Part 2

On the morning of Christmas Eve 1996, I left Kelz in the motel so I could spend part of the day with Dad. Kelz called Mom at some point and told her she was ready to be picked up. Unbeknownst to me, my brother Loyd was at Mom's and she asked him to go get Kelz. Really, this wasn't how I wanted Kelz to meet Loyd, but I didn't have any control over it. He knocked on the door. She asked who it was. He said, "This is Loyd!" Because Loyd and I have similar-sounding voices, she thought it was me goofing around. She was surprised to see that it was someone else at the door.

I hung out with Dad most of the day. I don't remember too much of what happened. The plan called for me to spend the evening at Mom's and unwrapping presents. It was fun to watch my cousins open up their gifts. One of the great things was that the gift I gave to Aunt Cind and her family was the largest package there! I'd never gotten to do that before.

When they opened the box, I saw a piece of paper stuck to the cardboard that held the poster in place. I pulled it off and looked at it. Cind asked if it was for me. It was an invoice that detailed the cost of the shipping. I said, "Yes, this is for me."

According to the invoice, Chud and Elad had to pay $60 to ship the poster to me! I felt really bad because I had no idea it was going to cost that much, especially since I thought they were going to roll it up in a tube and send it. The invoice detailed the cost of the box and protecting the poster and the cost of the shipping. I knew right away that I would need to pay them back. That was a lot of money! And here I thought I had scored a really cheap gift for my relatives. That was more than twice as much as I spent on all the other presents.

But the bright side is that Aunt Cind and her family took the poster, had it framed and displayed it in their living room for several years. So it was totally worth paying the $60. The bad thing was that I had to wait a couple of months to pay Chud and Elad back. I didn't talk to them until I got that taken care of.

I know I got Kelz something for Christmas to unwrap, but I can't remember what it was. I do remember she didn't get me anything. (But I wasn't expecting it.)

After all the presents had been unwrapped, we started picking up the wrapping paper and ribbons to throw away. I asked Kelz if she was ready to go. "WHY DO WE HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW?" Everybody stopped what they were doing. "FINE! LET'S GO!"

I know that at the time, Loyd was thinking, "Good. I'm not the one to ruin Christmas this year." In discussions with the other family members after the fact, it was generally felt that everybody was about to go to bed at that point. Kelz and I would have been leaving around the same time anyway. So they had no idea why she had to cause a big fuss about it. I didn't, either. Was she really having that good a time? I don't know.

Kelz griped during the drive back to the motel. She eventually calmed down and we were able to go to bed.

I split Christmas day between Mom's and Dad's houses. While I was at Mom's, Aunt Mard called and got to talk to everyone at the house. I didn't spend a lot of time on the phone with her.

There was nothing else eventful for Christmas that year. Kelz was actually pleasant throughout the day.

Kelz and I went somewhere else the next day. That will be the topic of tomorrow's post.

A Christmas Road Trip, Part 1

There were likely several reasons that Kelz decided that she would move back in with me during her pregnancy. The first was that she knew that I was concerned about the health of her unborn child and would provide her with a safe place to sleep and food to eat. She was also aware that since all my friends were not criminals, I wouldn't have anybody coming by the apartment who would get her back into her addict lifestyle. But it wouldn't surprise me to find out that a big reason was that she had somewhere to go for Christmas.

Just four months earlier, my Mom had invited her to come back to Artesia for Christmas. If Mom hadn't done that, I don't know that Kelz would have continued to stay with me after we returned to San Diego. She had spent her last Christmas with her family, so I can only guess that she wanted that feeling of belonging again for the holidays.

I had purchased presents for Mom, Dend, Dad, Gred and Loyd. However, my Mom told me that Grandma Bend, Aunt Cind and her family were all going to be there, too. Mom told me what I could get Grandma Bend, but I was pretty much on my own for what I could get Cind's family.

The last time I had seen Aunt Cind and her kids was when they went to Disneyland. I was able to get a couple of them in for free because Chud could show up and get us free passes. He rode with us on the Indiana Jones ride, which he had helped design. I suddenly realized what I could get them. Chud had several posters based on artwork he had created for the ride, which featured the ride car backing up from the rolling boulder. I asked him for a signed copy and had him ship it to me.

It arrived the day before Kelz and I were supposed to take off. I was expecting him to put it in a tube, but it came in a large rectangular box. Fortunately, there was enough room in my hatchback to bring it. (Kelz and I actually packed a little light.)

Nothing spectacular happened the first day of the road trip. We stopped and spent the night somewhere in Arizona after we passed Tuscon. (We got a lot further than we did on the last road trip.) I do remember listening to KOA broadcast the final Chargers game of the season before we stopped. They were playing the Broncos and they won, which gave them an 8-8 season.

We woke up the next morning and ate breakfast at the restaurant near the motel. We went back to the room after we finished and I started loading our stuff into the car. Kelz asked, "Why are we leaving so early?" I told her that we needed to get on the road so we could get to Artesia. That was the whole purpose of the trip. She finally got ready and we were on the road again.

Since Mom had Grandma Bend and Cind's family staying at her house, she arranged for me and Kelz to stay at a motel in Artesia. It was a new motel that had recently been built. One of the bonuses was that you could brew your own coffee there in the room. Kelz took full advantage of that.

After we checked in with Mom and everyone else at her house, we went to the motel. Kelz just wanted to sleep while I went to visit with Dad. Dad drove me around a little and talked to me. One of the things he told me was that he didn't want me bringing Kelz over to his house. I said, "Well, that's okay, because Kelz already knows you don't like her." "I'm afraid of her coming into the house and bringing all those diseases with her."

I spent that evening at Dad's house. At some point, Kelz called Mom to come get her because she was feeling a little sociable. I went over there to pick her up. She seemed to enjoy being with my family when I wasn't around. We went back to the room and slept in separate beds.

Tomorrow: Kelz wrecks Christmas!

The Worst Office Christmas Party!

One of the nice things Mr. N would do for us News Monitoring Services employees every year was throw a Christmas party. Generally, they would take place at his house. He would provide food and drinks, play Christmas music on his stereo and we would just hang out and have a good time.

In 1996, he decided to do something a little different. Since we were an unofficial AVR affiliate, he managed to get a few of us invited to their Christmas party in Los Angeles. He went all out and rented a stretch limousine to take us to Los Angeles.

But he was limited to the number of people who could ride in the limousine, so not all of our employees were able to go. I was able to get Mr. N to allow Kelz to come with me. I was the only employee permitted to bring a guest. (However, Mr. N brought his 10-year-old son.) At first, Kelz didn't want to go because she didn't have any decent clothes. I told her we could go shopping and I'd buy her clothes. She agreed to go after that.

Kelz and I went shopping at Nordstrom at Fashion Valley. She picked out a shirt, leggings and a bra. That probably cost about $50 altogether, but it was worth it to me. She didn't have any more excuses for getting out of the party.

We gathered at the workplace and waited for the limo to arrive. My co-worker Riz was there and she was thrilled to see how pregnant Kelz appeared. Everyone was excited about going to the party.

One of the other employees was Kaed. She was a recent new hire. Riz had hired her, but got upset about it when she started training her because she had lied about her computer experience. Riz still kept her as an employee, but it meant that she had to start training her on how to use Windows instead of how to monitor news.

During the training, Kaed met Mr. N and his biggest fantasy became true. He'd always wanted to have sex with a woman who worked for him. Somehow, Kaed was into him flirting with her and they started sleeping together. ("I'm finally getting something I want out of the people I pay!")

After the limo started on it's way to LA, Mr. N had an announcement to make: "Kaed and I are getting married!" (But I really don't know that he was serious.) All of us lightly smiled, but didn't really have much to say about that. We just kept enjoying the ride.

Halfway to LA, we hit some really bad traffic. However, we did eventually get to the location for the party. It was a restaurant that featured a live polka band. There were a lot of people there. We saw Mr. D, who used to work for us, but started working for AVR's location in Burlingame a couple of years earlier.

For the most part, we had a good time. The food was good. At one point, Riz got Kelz to go on the floor and dance with her. Later, Kelz and I went into a vacant part of the restaurant away from the noise, sat down and talked for a little bit. Next to where we were sitting were these two doors with very ornate frosted windows. The next thing we knew, Mr. N's son came running through the doors, tripped and SHATTERED one of the windows. He didn't get hurt. We didn't get hurt. Some restaurant employees came to clean up the mess.

Then a manager came out and talked to Mr. N. He was going to have to pay to have that window replaced. It would cost about $600. Mr. N did not look pleased.

Later, AVR held their awards ceremony. The head of the company talked about how well AVR had done in the last year. Then, he announced names and handed out the awards. This took about 30 minutes. After he was done, he introduced Mr. N, who was going to hand out the awards for News Monitoring Services. But first, he started talking about how his company was doing. At this point, all the AVR employees got up and started leaving. Our little group was all that remained to listen to Mr. N's spiel. He handed out the awards, but I didn't get anything.

I was completely unaware of this, but Kelz knew what was going on. Kaed got very jealous of the way Mr. N was talking to some of the other women he knew at the party. He was allegedly acting all flirtatious with them. This led to a big argument in the limo, in which she brought up her ex-boyfriends. Mr. N had a look on his face that appeared to say, "This was ALL a bad idea." Everybody was quiet the rest of the way home.

So yes, this was the worst company Christmas party I've ever attended. The only good thing was that Kelz and I didn't get into any fights.

Fayd vs. "Mansplaining"

I'm going to start with a little bit of background before I get into the heart of this post: A few weeks ago, I found a friend I had attended Eastern New Mexico University with on Facebook. I hadn't really mentioned her in this blog, but I have made passing references with regards to my experience in the Theatre Department. We frequently hung out as we had a lot of similar interests in the arts. She was very intelligent and creative. However, our friendship had good and bad periods. Sometimes, we were the best of friends. Other times, she would find other people she would rather hang out with and ignore me. I never knew which friend she was going to be at any given time.

Since college, she has become a published author and has a number of other artistic works to her credit. Like me, she uses a different name, so that's why I didn't find her on Facebook until recently. Even though she accepted my friend request, I'm not certain she knows I'm the same person she went to ENMU with. She has more than a thousand friends, some of whom are other Eastern alumni.

A couple of weeks ago, she shared a post from someone griping about how John McCain was getting a lot of media attention for voting against the Senate healthcare plan when another Senator, Democrat Mazie Hirano of Hawaii, had also returned from cancer treatment to provide a vote that helped defeat the measure. I commented that while I could probably find a hundred articles about Hirano, McCain was definitely the bigger story because he had lost the Presidency to Obama in 2008. So, if there was someone who would have liked to have seen Obama's legacy wiped out, it would have been him. I added that the closest that Hirano would have to an adversarial relationship with Obama was if he came to a barbecue at her house and stuffed all the crab rangoon in his pockets before the other guests got to have any.

I thought my comment was poignant and humorous. However, my friend replied, "I did not know that. Thanks for 'mansplaining' that to me." I was rather taken aback by this. I'm aware of what "mansplaining" is, but I'd never been accused of it before. I thought it was unfair that she seemed to regard me as some male dominance blowhard who was patronizing her. My first course of action was to completely re-edit my comment so that it read something like, "You should be Senator instead of Bob Toomey. (She lived in Pennsylvania.) Then the Democrats wouldn't have needed McCain's vote." Of course, my original comment could still be read by clicking on "Edited," but it made her look like she was being unnecessarily mean to me.

I regret doing that, but I was angered by her comment. I justified it by thinking that if she was going to make me look foolish, I would just return the favor. I felt like I was back in college again during one of her "too cool for you" periods. I wish I had allowed my comment to remain and come back later with a more articulate response. But that likely would have resulted in another "mansplaining" accusation. So, what follows would be that response:

"It's important to me that I let you know how I have written comments similar to this on the posts of other friends, male and female. Some of them may dispute what I have written, some don't pay much attention, but none of them have indicated that I may be patronizing or treating them with disrespect. Since you are not friends with them, you don't see these comments.

"I have noticed that there is a difference in the way we share things on Facebook. If you look back at my posts, you'll likely see that when I share something, whether it's a photo, a video, an article or a meme, I will typically offer some sort of commentary on the subject. Sometimes, it's to make a joke. Other times, it's to let my friends know that I am aware of what's in the article and present a little perspective, and whether I agree or disagree with all or part of the content. You almost never do that with other people's works, especially those that are political in nature. You appear to simply choose the 'Share Now' option instead of taking the time to write a post. YOU ARE A WRITER. I do expect more from you. If I don't have a clue as to your views on a specific article or meme, how am I supposed to know when I may be stepping into 'mansplaining' territory?

"From what I've read on your profile, you don't have a lot of tolerance for people making comments on your posts when they relate to social issues. If the post is about the racial divide, you don't want to hear from anyone who isn't black. If it's about the struggle of women, you don't want men to comment. If it has to do with the LGBTQ community, you don't want perspective from those who are not LGBTQ. Honestly, I've steered clear of these topics when you post them. I try not to offend because I'm always on the other side and haven't experienced those prejudices first-hand.

"So when you share photos, articles and memes that are political without adding your two cents, I read it as, 'Here is a topic. Let's open it up for discussion.' And maybe my comments are not aimed specifically at you. They may be what I would say to the person from whom you shared. But unless you say otherwise, I should feel free to comment how I see fit without fear that I may be accused of being a misogynistic homophobic racist.

"So, to keep this from happening in the future, I recommend you copy and paste the following onto each article, meme and video you share dealing with politics and social issues:

This reflects how I feel. Please do not post any comments that diminish the message, even if they contain points of reference or the truth.

"But really, I would rather see you express your opinion in your own words."

(A side note: I had intended to share screenshots of the exchange between my friend and myself. When I wrote this article, I discovered that she completely removed the post. However, we're still friends on Facebook, so I guess she can put up with my antics for the time being.)

An unexpected plea

In the last half of October 1996, I wound up working a lot of overtime. My boss didn't like it very much, but there really wasn't much he could do about it. We were down a few employees at work and I had to pick up the slack while we trained new people.

This meant that for the first time since Kelz moved back in, I would have about $200 extra cash on me. I cashed my paycheck on 11/10/17 and came home. Kelz and I were discussing what we would spend the money on when the phone suddenly rang. It was Chez.

Chez and Joad were living in Virginia at the time with Jyd and her daughter. She had just gotten word that her great-aunt in Clovis had passed away. (I had met her great-aunt a couple of times before.) Chez wanted to know if I could send her money so she could come back to Clovis and go to the funeral.

My first thought was, "How the heck did she know that I would have some extra money right now?" I never did get an answer to that question (because I'm pretty certain she didn't). I started by chastising her for not keeping in contact with me for the last three months (even though she promised she would) and for only calling me when she needed money. However, I was aware of how much her great-aunt meant to her. I asked her how much she needed. "$200." NO WAY! I was not going to give her all my extra money. "Can you get to Clovis on $100?" "Yes, $100 will work." (THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK FOR $100?)

I told her I would give her the money, but she had to again promise me that she would stay in touch a lot more frequently. She said she would and we made the arrangements to have the money wired over. She did receive it and was able to get to Clovis in time for the funeral. As it turned out, she did not return to Virginia, but I did hear from her again.

Kelz didn't say anything at the time, but I know she was really angry. Even though we still had $100 extra, it really wasn't enough for everything that we had originally discussed before the phone rang. While Kelz and I were not boyfriend/girlfriend, she definitely didn't like that I was willing to help my previous ex-girlfriend out like that. (But she seemed to forget how much I had been helping her the last three months.)

I don't remember anything special that we did with the money. I probably bought Kelz some quality cigarettes. But it would be a very long time before I got extra money again.

Holidazed and Confused

One of the nice things about having someone living with you (even if they act like they can barely tolerate your presence) is that you don't have to spend the holidays alone. During the time that Kelz was living with me while pregnant, we got to experience a few of them together, but they were definitely different from the ones I spent with my family.

In September, I had my birthday, immediately followed by Labor Day. Kelz knew it was my birthday, but she didn't really do anything special. I don't even think she bothered to be nice to me that day.

A few weeks later, Halloween was coming up. I got paid on Friday, 10/25/96. I asked Kelz if she wanted to go to a haunted house that had been set up in Downtown San Diego. It was promoted as having been put together by Hollywood professionals. Her initial response was, "Hollywood puts out a lot of cheesy stuff." However, she still wanted to get out of the apartment, so we went.

When we started the tour, one of the guides told us that the monsters we would encounter would try to scare us, but they would not be able to touch us. I asked, "You mean they're not going to give us a lap dance?" Kelz elbowed me and the question did not get answered.

Kelz started being in a good mood and we held hands as we walked through the house. This was the first time since she'd moved back in that we'd had physical contact with each other. However, it would be a long time before we got that close again.

For Halloween the next week, I had bought some candy bars for Kelz to hand out. We ran out, so I went to the store to buy some more. We ran out again. We left the house for a couple of hours, but I don't remember what we did.

November 18th was her 20th birthday. I had gone out a few days earlier and bought her something I figured would continue to fit her as her belly increased. She was a big Michael Jordan fan, so I got her a "Space Jam" T-shirt. I got up to go to work that morning. She was up watching TV. Since I didn't know if she was going to be awake anytime after I got home, I ran out to the car, got her present and gave it to her. She seemed to appreciate it, but quickly went back to her silent mode. I don't remember anything special happening after I returned.

And the next week was Thanksgiving. I told her ahead of time that I wanted to take her out to eat at Furr's cafeteria because I wanted to eat some turkey. The place was going to close at 2pm, so if we didn't get there in time, we were going to be out of luck if we wanted turkey. She did wake up around 12:30pm. And she took her time getting ready. But we did get to have Thanksgiving.

So these holidays were really minor events leading up to Christmas, when she was expecting to return to Artesia with me. Along the way, we had some other interesting stuff happen.

More to come.

Bad people aren't so bad

As I mentioned before, one of the guidelines I had laid down for Kelz living with me was that I didn't want her to have any visitors when I wasn't around. I didn't know who these people were or what they were capable of doing. I knew that she would likely still have people over, but try to have them out of the house before I got home. This was really what I wanted. I had no desire to deal with them face to face. I'm not good with confrontations and it seemed like every time I encounter one, it's obvious to the other person that I can be very vulnerable.

I came home once to find Kelz sleeping on the foam mattress in the living room. She immediately got up and went into the bathroom. Her shirt was hiked slightly above her waist and I could see that she hadn't been wearing any pants or underwear. I have a feeling someone came over and they had sex. But it really wasn't my place to say anything. At the time, I suspected it was Nard, the guy she temporarily tried to live with before she had to keep all her stuff at my apartment.

Another time, I came home and Kelz was awake. However, she was tired and decided to go sleep in my bed. I still had some stuff to do before I needed to take a nap. The phone rang. After I picked it up, I got a recording informing me it was a collect call from the Wackenhut detention facility. It was Nard calling. Against my initial judgement, I went ahead and accepted the call. Nard said, "Hey, man! Thanks for taking this. I promise you this is going to be the only time I'm going to call."

My first thought was, "That's cool. He knows I don't appreciate this, but that I did him a favor by accepting the charges." I said, "Oh, thank you. Let me get Kelz for you." I opened the door to the bedroom. I guess I pushed the door a little too hard because it suddenly hit the wall and made a loud noise. Kelz immediately jolted up, stared at me and SCREAMED! (I guess this is how she reacts when the cops bust the door down. Also, note that Nard could hear what was going on.) I said, "Uh, Nard's on the phone. He wants to talk to you." I gave her the phone and shut the door. I didn't hear any of the conversation.

I never got another collect call from Nard. And I didn't see any surprise collect calls on the phone bill. However, he did write Kelz a letter from jail. She had left it out on the counter. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I did look at it. I kind of skimmed through it. I didn't see anything sexual, but he did go into details about an experience he had going to court to receive his sentence. It involved him having to get on a bus with several other prisoners who were also scheduled for sentencing. They were a bunch of mean guys who kept trying to stare him down. They did this during the entire 40-minute drive to the court house. They got there and had to wait another two hours in a holding area so they could appear before the judge. After all that waiting, they found out the judge they were scheduled with didn't come in that day, so their sentencing would be delayed. They all had to get back on the bus and he faced another 40-minute stare down all the way back to Wackenhut.

He also wanted Kelz to ask me if it was okay for him to call collect every once in awhile. If she had asked, she probably could have talked me into letting that happen. But she didn't ask, and I didn't talk about the letter. True to his word, Nard did not call again. In fact, we never did hear from that guy again. Kelz never got any more letters (and I was the only one with a mailbox key). I have no idea what happened to him.

But the experience did help me to realize that some people who lean to the criminal side of life do have morals and ethics when it comes to personal connections. Nard was certainly aware of and respected boundaries. In fact, I realized that Brod seemed to show that same level of respect when it came to me. To the best of my knowledge, Brod never came to the apartment while Kelz was pregnant. I guess he knew that Kelz was better off staying with me because I could help to ensure a healthy environment for his unborn child.

But not everyone Kelz knew shared these same values. That will the be topic of other blog posts WAY in the future.

What to Expect When Someone Else is Expecting

Nothing that I had encountered in my life up to August of 1996 prepared me for what I would experience for the next seven months: Living with a pregnant woman. I had only ever dealt with pregnant family members, neighbors and students in high school and college, which usually only came in short doses. When I encountered them, they all seemed very happy and excited about what was going to happen (except for Chez). But I found out the hard way what pregnant women are really like when they're away from friends and family and are alone with their significant others: They're receptacles of anger, frustration and depression that don't seem to care where their toxic bile lands and you have no choice but to sit there watching them spill for hour upon hour until they finally fall asleep.

Now at first, it wasn't so bad. Kelz spent most of her time sleeping. Keep in mind that she was also trying to catch up on her sleep from those months of being practically homeless. She would typically wake up after I'd gone to bed and watch TV all night long.

When I was explaining the situation with friends, I would compare it to living with a cat: She slept 16 hours a day, wouldn't interact with me, expected me to provide her food and she was about to have a kitten.

We would go out every once in awhile, particularly when I got paid. But for the most part, we were living in abject poverty, with me trying to provide for the two of us on my meager earnings. (Thank goodness I had declared bankruptcy just a couple of years before. This kept me from being able to get a credit card to try to make ends meet. I did not need more debt in my life at this time.)

While Kelz was living with me, we tried to get her to stop smoking. She wanted to do it for the health of the baby. However, because she had to give up everything else at the same time, like heroin, weed and alcohol, it drove her up the wall that she couldn't get her nicotine fix. She even made me promise not to get her cigarettes for her, no matter how much she begged. I tried hard to remind her of this when she did beg. However, when she really craved a smoke, she threatened to leave the apartment and find someone who would buy her cigarettes. I was being emotionally blackmailed. I knew that if she left the apartment, she would wind up with someone who would get her back into the drug culture. Suddenly smoking tobacco seemed like the most healthy option for the baby. I went out and bought cigarettes.

But I couldn't afford to buy them from the 7-Eleven a couple of blocks away. I had to go to a nearby discount cigarette outlet (which Chez and I had discovered while living together). I bought a carton of the cheapest cigarettes I could get my hands on. The brand was Covington. (Never heard of them? Neither had I.) At the time, the package design featured a roulette wheel, like you were gambling with your life while smoking. Kelz didn't like the flavor, but they were better than nothing.

I did not always have money for cigarettes. So, what I had to do was keep my eye out for cigarette butts that hadn't been burned all the way down to the filter. Kelz was fine with smoking these, because every once in a while, I would come across a Marlboro. And sometimes, I would find a cigarette that only had a couple of puffs taken off of it.

One day late in September, we got notice that someone was going to come by and spray for cockroaches inside the apartment complex. This meant we were going to have to leave for a few hours because there was a specific warning for pregnant women. We went over to the house of one of my co-workers, Riz. She wasn't going to be there that afternoon and said we could just hang out for a few hours.

This happened to be the first day that Kelz looked like she was obviously pregnant. She was wearing my Easter Seals shirt at the time and I noticed just as we were getting into the car. At Riz' house, I found that she had a VHS copy of "Breakfast at Tiffany's." I watched it in Riz' bedroom while Kelz stayed in the living room. We really didn't talk much until it was time for us to go home.

I didn't think of it, but there had to be a lot that was going through Kelz' mind at the time. She had no idea what was going to happen. She didn't know if she was going to keep the baby or give it up for adoption like she had before. I think that the appearance of the distended belly made her all the more aware that this was really happening and she was worried about how the baby would turn out. Even though she had given up all the other drugs, they were likely still lingering in her system when she first became pregnant and that could have a tremendous impact on the health of the baby.

And I had no clue. But on the bright side, I didn't have to buy tampons again.

Parking up the wrong tree

As if Silicon Valley traffic doesn't already make getting home after work tough, I arrive to find another obstacle.



The funny thing is that I have almost never come across other cars circling around, trying to find a spot. Once, when I was parallel parking, I saw a car waiting in the center divide to see if I was leaving or staying. Once the driver figured out I wasn't going anywhere, he took off.

My new roommate

After we had completed our first road trip together (but not that PowerBar), Kelz and I didn't really discuss what was going to happen next. I knew that I could not just let her live on the street when she was pregnant. I was afraid that she would start doing the heroin again after she'd been clean for a whole week. Even though I was not the father, I felt so responsible for what happened to her. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something terrible happened to the baby because I knew I could have stopped that from happening by just showing her a little kindness.

I told her she could go ahead and stay with me as long as she needed. I would be able to provide her with food and any other necessities that she needed to ensure that she had a healthy baby, to the best of my financial abilities. However, I explained that I preferred that she not have people visit the apartment when I wasn't there, including the baby's father. She didn't say yes or no, nor did she express any gratitude. I just assumed she was really tired from the trip and wanted to go to sleep for awhile.

I also told her that when I left for work in the morning, I would need to lock the deadbolt on the front door. It had one of those locks that needed a key on both sides to lock and unlock. I didn't think this was going to be a problem because I expected her to just sleep the whole time I was at work. And really, she was able to leave the apartment. My main concern was the possibility for people to come in.

The first day I came back from work, I found the front window wide open and the screen in the bushes. I opened the door. Kelz wasn't there, but she left this note behind:

Wait? 9:30am? That means my window had been like this for almost four hours! And there was always someone who could pick up the phone at work! I have a feeling she didn't even try! Fortunately, nothing was missing from the apartment. I closed the window and put the screen back. Kelz came back later that evening. She asked if she could stay. I told her she could and reiterated that I lock the deadbolt to keep people out. If she's going to leave through the window, I needed her to close the window as much as she could and try to put the screen back. She said she would do that.

The next day, I came home, found the screen in the bushes and the window open again. But this time, she didn't leave a note. Again, she came back that night and wanted to sleep there. I told her she could. She didn't explain where she'd gone to, but she never mentioned her uncle's health problems again.

The next morning, I came to the realization that I needed to stop Kelz from feeling like a prisoner in a place that she used to consider home. Also, I'd had enough of my apartment looking like it was easy pickings for daytime prowlers, so I decided not to lock the deadbolt before leaving for work. I didn't know what to expect when I returned.

When I came home that day, she was still in the apartment, waiting for me to arrive. And so, she stayed.

Road Trip to Laughlin!

When I had first planned to go see my family in Artesia, I was expecting to go back to San Diego through Las Vegas. Again, this was before I knew that Kelz was going to be accompanying me. Her coming along didn't really affect anything. Usually, I didn't prepare for my visits to Vegas. I would just show up, find a good hotel for a good price and hit the casinos.

I don't remember too much about driving to Nevada. I know that we stopped somewhere in Arizona (maybe Flagstaff) and ate at Denny's. Kelz ordered a shrimp dinner, which was one of the more expensive items on the menu. Up to this point, Kelz had a few episodes of vomiting because of the pregnancy. After we got out to the car, she threw up in the parking lot. I remember getting mad that I had spent all that money and it just wound up on the asphalt. (However, I didn't yell at her for that.)

We had been driving all day. When we got to Kingman, AZ, I felt like I couldn't handle driving another hour and half and decided to go to Laughlin instead. (It's only 30 minutes away.) I don't know how Kelz felt about the sudden change in plans (because Laughlin is SO not Vegas), but I'm certain she was glad that she would have a bed to sleep in pretty soon.

One hotel advertised that it had free rooms. We parked in their lot. We were waiting in line. I saw a sign that explained how someone would qualify for a free room. We met all of the qualifications. However, the front desk clerk informed us they had filled all the free rooms, but they had a room for $30. I remembered the hotel next door advertised $20 rooms, so I told the clerk we would pass.

We went next door. Kelz commented that there was no way a hotel would have rooms for $20, especially after we couldn't get a free one. We got to the front desk. I asked if they had $20 rooms available, AND THEY DID! We checked in and went to our room. Kelz changed her clothes and put on the long nightgown Mom bought her in Carlsbad. I told her I was going to go down and gamble and asked her if she had brought her fake ID. (Kelz was 19 at the time. I assumed she had a fake ID because she did so much other stuff that was criminal.) She said she had one and we went downstairs. At this point, I noticed that she wasn't wearing a bra and even though nothing inappropriate was hanging out, it was VERY obvious she wasn't.

I gave her some money to use on the slot machines and started looking for the Blackjack tables. A few minutes later, Kelz came up to me and told me she was ordered to leave the floor. I guess security was able to figure out she wasn't 21 AND she did mot possess a fake ID. This meant that I would have to go back to the hotel room with her and keep her company. I wasn't going to get to gamble at that time. I was going to have to wait for her to fall asleep. I remember we watched an episode of "Seinfeld." We both conked out.

I woke up first and went down to the casino. I didn't have a whole lot of luck. I was hoping to win enough money for us to drive up to Las Vegas and spend some time there, but it wasn't in the cards. I went back to the room. Kelz was awake and watching TV. We went downstairs and ate the breakfast buffet. We went back and stayed in the room until it was time to check out.

This was the middle of August and I recalled the last time I drove to San Diego from Nevada in the middle of the day. We didn't have a choice. Before we left town, I made sure we had plenty of cold water and sodas to last until we got out of the desert.

We arrived in San Diego about six hours later. I stopped at the ARCO to fill up with gas. Kelz wanted to get something to snack on, so I gave her a dollar. When I went in to get my change, the "snack" she wanted was a PowerBar. It cost $3. I pulled out two more dollars and paid for it. I don't know what she was expecting when she picked it, but after we got in the car, she took one bite and didn't eat any more. ARGH! More money wasted!

The end of that trip was the beginning of the next phase of our relationship. I have several more phases left to go.

Worlds Unexpectedly Collide

Before I knew for a fact that Kelz was going to come with me on my vacation, I had made plans to go see Chez and Joad in Clovis. I thought for certain that Kelz would just prefer to stay at my Mom's house and sleep the whole time I was gone. Yes, I was wrong. Now, you know where this is headed: My two ex-girlfriends were going to meet face-to-face. I never thought something like this would happen to me.

I had called Chez up and gotten her new address. She kept asking me if I knew where the street was located. "I lived in Clovis for two years! I should be able to find it!" I let her know what time we expected to be there.

Kelz and I left in the morning. I don't remember much about the drive up. I know we drove around the Eastern New Mexico University campus while we were in Portales. We went to the University Theatre. Kelz got to meet Dr. R. We also visited Grandma Ogolon in Portales. Grandma showed Kelz some old photos, including early ones of her and Granddad. Kelz seemed to enjoy visiting my past.

When we got to Clovis, I had trouble finding the street where Chez lived. We kept driving around, but I couldn't locate it. After a few minutes, someone drove up beside us. It was Chez. This was the first time I'd seen her driving a car. "I said you wouldn't be able to find it! Follow me!"

We followed Chez and drove into a mobile home park. We stopped at a house and got out of our cars. Chez came up and gave me a hug. I introduced her to Kelz. Chez said she was in a bad mood because this was the day she found out her girlfriend Jyd had decided to move to Virginia with her daughter and leave Chez, Joad and her husband Kyd behind. Chez said she was so upset, she felt like driving herself under a truck.

We went inside the mobile home. Kyd and Joad were there, but Jyd wasn't. Kelz just sat on the floor and didn't say anything. The whole time, Chez and Kyd were talking about what was going on. I tried to connect with Joad, but he was being shy the whole time. I don't recall much else going on except that Jyd finally arrived. Because of this, Chez and I didn't really get to spend any time catching up. There were other things I needed to do while we were in town, so Kelz and I left.

Kelz didn't think too much of Chez, but she liked Joad and thought Kyd was cool. She didn't have anything else to say about them.

Our next order of business in Clovis was to go see my Grandma Bend. She was in town helping to take care of her sister Lod, who was basically bedridden. Kelz got to meet both of them and was actually rather pleasant the whole time. But it had to be made clear to Grandma Bend later that Kelz was not my girlfriend. We were just "friends."

(Three weeks later, Lod passed away. I wasn't able to go to the funeral, so that was the last time I got to see her.)

My final piece of business was for us to drive to Tucumcari to go see Kird. He had graduated from college and was employed as a social worker. Before we left Clovis, I tried to call him. His wife picked up the phone and said he wasn't there. He was in Clovis because they removed twin children from a domestic situation and they needed to be treated at the hospital. I told her we were in Clovis and she said that I could probably find him at the hospital.

(I didn't know this, but this would be the last time I would talk to his wife, who had been friendly with me anytime I came to visit. They later got a divorce.)

We drove to the hospital. I tried asking for information about him at the front desk, but no one knew how I could find him. Kelz and I waited around in the lobby for about 30 minutes, hoping to see if he would make some sort of appearance, but we never did see him. I guess it was just as well. If he's trying to make sure twins are getting the proper care, he wasn't going to have time for a visit. I wouldn't see Kird face to face for another 13 years. And now, eight years have passed since I last saw him in Clovis.

Kelz and I drove back to Artesia. Nothing of note happened along the way. She probably slept most of the time.

In my next post: We hit the casino!