Road Trip to Artesia, Part 2

I woke up the next morning in Mom and Dend's cabin in Ruidoso. Mom, Dend, my cousin Ricd and I all decided to go out to get breakfast. However, we couldn't get Kelz to get out of bed, so we just left her there. When we returned, Kelz had woken up and made herself some coffee. I was actually relieved, because I was afraid she was just going to run off and never come back. I expected she would have just lived off the land in the forest (or would have done some hustling around the cabins).

We left Ruidoso and drove to Artesia. The plan was for us to spend a few days with Dad and Gred and then a couple more with Mom and Dend. We arrived at Dad's house and set up Kelz in Tad's room. There was another guest room where I would stay. Kelz just went straight to bed.

One of the things Dad wanted to do was get my car checked out. We went over to the apartments. One of the tenants knew how to work on cars. Dad asked him to change the transmission oil. While we were there, I looked around at the apartments where Loyd and I spent so much time mowing and cleaning up. I was shocked at what they had become. They used to be the nicest apartments in town and now they were practically slums! Everything looked terrible! And the pool hadn't been maintained and just sat there with about three feet of murky water in the bottom. I guess he wasn't able to get anyone to work for him unless he was willing to pay them a lot more money than he paid us.

The car guy said that there were bits of metal in the oil that he took out. Dad figured this meant the car didn't have much of a life left. He said that he would get me another used car for Christmas. (Before Kelz and I arrived in Artesia, I told her that if there were too many problems with this car, Dad would probably give me the old Chevy Nova to drive. However, I noticed that the Nova was there at the apartments, apparently junking. I wasn't getting that car back.)

I don't remember much else happening the next couple of days. I know that Kelz spent most of it in the bedroom. I'm certain I drove Kelz around Artesia, showing her the houses where my family used to live and the places I went to school.

After leaving Dad's, Kelz said, "I don't like your father very much." "Okay." "He doesn't seem to think much of me." "You're probably right." We then went to stay with Mom and Dend for a couple of days. Ricd was still with them.

At one point, we were all outside with a couple of girls who lived next door. Ricd started playing with a water hose and wound up getting Kelz all wet. She didn't have any other clothes to change into at the time, so Mom offered to loan some of her clothes. While the clothes fit, they clung rather tightly to Kelz' body, and showed that she had a distended belly. I didn't hear anybody say anything at the time.

The next day, Mom and Dend offered to buy me a new pair of glasses. I had been wearing the same pair for eight years. We all went to Carlsbad to a place that could make the lenses in an hour. I chose a design that I liked and Kelz approved of. We all stayed in the waiting area while they were being made. At one point, Kelz got up and went to the bathroom. After she left, Mom asked, "Is Kelz pregnant?" "Yes." "Is it yours?" "No." Mom then made some comments about it, but I kind of brushed them off. At that point, I didn't expect to be spending much time with Kelz after we got back to San Diego.

I got the glasses. They were quite different from my old pair, a design I had been wearing since 1979. It took awhile for me to get used to the new look on my face. We went to a drug store and Kelz looked at several New Mexico T-shirts and a long one-piece nightgown. Mom bought them for her.

We left a couple of days later. Kelz and I got in the car. After we said our goodbyes to Mom, Dend and Ricd, but right before we took off, Kelz said to me, "I'm never coming back here again!" Mom then shouted at Kelz, "I want you to come back for Christmas!" Kelz was stunned. "Oh... Okay!" Mom said, "Oh, you don't mean that!" "Yeah, I mean that. I'll come back for Christmas." We started driving off. "I guess I'm coming back for Christmas." Yes, Mom tries to be hospitable, even when it's not in her best interest.

Now, Kelz and I had done something the day before we left Artesia. I try to present my story in chronological order, but you'll see that the little side trip we made deserves its own article. That's tomorrow.

Parks and Wreck

As a young child, I enjoyed visiting relatives.



However, I had more of a problem visiting them when I was a teenager.

Road Trip to Artesia, Part 1

The time was coming up for my vacation to Artesia. The day before, I had a lot of work to do. One of the things I needed to do was my laundry. However, I didn't have any money and the next day was also payday. I had a Nintendo GameBoy system that my Mom had given me for Christmas the year before. A few months earlier when I needed some money, I tried to take it to a pawn shop. They said they wouldn't pawn it, but they would buy it from me for $5. I declined the offer.

Since I really needed that $5 to wash my clothes, I took the GameBoy and the games to the pawn shop. There was a line of people waiting inside and more kept coming in behind me. I asked the guy behind the counter if he would still buy the system for $5. He said he would. I suddenly heard a lot of groaning from some of the other people standing in line. Someone said, "I could have bought that for my kid for $5." I felt bad because I would have taken sold it to that guy if he had the cash, but the guy behind the counter already had the system and the games. I got my money and washed my clothes.

So, up to this point, I hadn't heard from Kelz in a couple of days. She knew what day I was going to Artesia, but she hadn't called me to confirm. I didn't know if she was coming along or not. There was a part of me that really wanted her to go meet my family and another part that really didn't. I was so torn.

I got a call from her around 3am. I asked her if she was still going with me to Artesia. She said she was, but she needed me to come out to La Mesa to pick her up. I drove out to the usual house and got her. She was going to sleep at my apartment until I got back from work. (I still had to work that day so I could get my paycheck.) On the way home, she said she had some news.

"I'm pregnant!" I stared at her and tried not to crash the car. "Don't worry. It's not yours." I really didn't think it was. I asked the usual questions, like how far she was along and when she was expecting, but she didn't have the answer. She hadn't been to see a doctor yet.

I dropped her off at the apartment and went to work. It went by pretty quickly. I was able to cash the check with no hassles and drove back home. Since I still had some of Kelz' clothes at my apartment, I was able to get her to pack a few things, but most of her stuff we were going to have to wash when we got there.

Usually, on my road trips to Artesia from San Diego, I would stop and fill up with gas in Yuma, AZ. However, before we got there, I could hear this loud racket coming out of the engine. The car was still able to move at the speed limit, but I could definitely hear the racket. I didn't know what was going on. We kept driving. Finally, I started getting really worried about the noise and we pulled over in Gila Bend to spend the night. I figured I could call my Dad the next day to figure out what to do.

Kelz and I checked into a motel. We stayed up until 2am watching TV. We cuddled a little bit, but didn't kiss. We finally fell asleep.

After I woke up, I called Dad and got the answering machine. I explained what happened, gave the number to the motel and our room number. I hoped he would be calling back soon. At this point, I hadn't told Dad or Mom that Kelz was coming with me. (However, they were aware about what happened between us.) I didn't say anything to them about Kelz coming beforehand because there was a very good chance she wasn't going to come with me.

About 30 minutes later, Dad called. I described to him what was going on. He said that my standard transmission was likely out of oil. It wasn't transmission fluid, it was oil. I just needed to take it to a garage and have them put oil in it and do nothing else. He said that if that didn't help, just to keep driving until the car broke completely down and he would come out to get me. This was the point that I told him Kelz was with me. He said he would still come out to get us.

Kelz was still sleeping. I looked in the Yellow Pages and found a mechanic about a quarter-mile away. I drove up and explained what they needed to do. They quoted me a price of $32. That sounded good to me. They put the oil in and started the car. They put it into gear and it made the sound again, but only for one second. After that, it sounded fine. They'd actually fixed it!

I drove back to the motel room to get Kelz so we could be on our way. The car was still working fine. We started driving toward Tuscon. I had planned to stop at a Waffle House and get something to eat. When we approached the exit, I slowed down and took the car out of gear. However, I wasn't able to put the stick back into first gear, or second, or third, or fourth or fifth! We coasted up the ramp. I had to get out and push the car into the Waffle House parking lot. I really wanted to eat and try to figure out what we were going to do next.

After we ate, I went to a payphone and called AAA. They told me I was going to have to wait an hour for a tow truck and the closest service center was a Pep Boys. I called Dad and told him what was going on. He told me that if they quoted too much, I just needed to call him, and again, he would drive out to get us.

While we were waiting for the tow truck, I decided to start trying to get the stick shift to go into the gears. After numerous attempts, I was able to get it to slide into fifth. Then I got it into fourth, third, second and finally, first. I was able to get the car moving again. Yay, me! But before we left, I had to call AAA to cancel the tow truck. I also called Dad and let him know we would be on the way.

In addition, I called Mom and let her know that Kelz was coming with me. We were going to meet her and Dend in Ruidoso, where they owned a cabin. This would be my first time to see their cabin since they bought it. She didn't seem all that thrilled that Kelz was coming with me because she knew what she was putting me through. And I'm also pretty certain she was afraid some of her stuff was suddenly going to "disappear."

We got to Ruidoso without incident around 7pm and were able to find the cabin. When someone tells me they have a cabin, I automatically think of a log cabin. In a part of my life I haven't written about, I helped an old man in Artesia clean up his cabin in Cloudcroft during the summers of 1984 and 1985. THAT was a log cabin. But Mom and Dend's cabin looked more like a regular house, inside and out. I certainly got no indication that this was "roughing it," as it would have been at a REAL cabin.

My cousin Ricd (Aunt Cind's youngest child) was staying with Mom and Dend at the time. We didn't do much after we arrived. I know we ate something. Mom set up the guest room for Kelz. Ricd and I were going to share the sleeper sofa in the living room. Mom and Dend went to bed. Kelz and I spent time with Ricd. He was rather entertaining. At this point, Kelz started flirting with me in a non-verbal manner. While we were standing next to each other, she playfully brushed her bare foot against mine. We watched Ricd play a few video games while we cuddled a little bit on the sofa. Eventually, we all turned in.

Monday: Kelz meets Dad.

Back and forth

Kelz wound up spending more time at my apartment in the next few weeks. Sometimes, she would spend the night, but we never tried to make love again. She would often call me to get her from somewhere. Once, she had me come to a motel, where I saw her doing actual work. She was doing the housekeeping. She was changing the linens on a few of the beds that had guests the night before. I didn't know if she was actually doing this for a living or was working off a debt for being able to spend the night there. (I'm guessing the latter.)

She appeared to be dealing with Brod less and less. One day, I came home from work to find that he had left all her stuff in bags by my front door. I didn't know what to think. I just brought everything inside. Did this mean she was living with me again? I didn't know if I was ready to start that all over again.

A couple of hours later, she called me. I told her Brod had left her stuff at my house. "Yeah, I know. I need you to bring all that stuff to where I'm staying now." She had met some guy named Nard and was going to be living with him. She gave me the address. It was just a few blocks away. I moved everything from the apartment over to the car and drove over.

The place where she was going to be living was very small, almost not enough room for two people. I remembered that it was rather cluttered on the inside and her stuff just made it more cluttered. She started putting things away as we visited. And then I left.

A few hours later, she called me again. "You need to come help me get my stuff. Nard says I can't stay with him." REALLY?

I drove back over and loaded everything into the car. I thought she was coming back with me, but she said, "Nard says I can spend the night here, but I'm not moving in." So I had to load everything back in my apartment all by myself. AGAIN!

At some point, I mentioned to Kelz that I was going to take a trip to Artesia, NM to see my parents, so I was going to be gone for about a week. She said, "I would really like to get out of town for awhile. Can I go with you?" "You really want to go?" "Yeah!" I figured that if she was with me, I wouldn't have to worry about her breaking into my apartment to steal stuff, so I said she could go.

The next couple of weeks, she was staying at someone's house in La Mesa. She had me come over a couple of times early in the morning before I went to work. This meant I had to get up earlier than normal to see her. I have no idea what she was doing there. She didn't tell me if she was working the streets or hustling. I never saw the people she was staying with.

But by this time, I had gotten to the point that nothing regarding Kelz really surprised me.

Another wacky day: June 25, 1996

Sometimes, you wake up in the morning and expect one day to be like any other. Maybe you made some special plans to take part in later. Maybe you were going to eat something special. But you probably expect to wind up in bed at the end of the day to fall asleep and start the routine over.

This particular Tuesday, 06/25/96, started out like any other. I woke up and went to work. I cashed my paycheck and it didn't bounce. I can't recall that anything else exciting happened, but I knew what I was going to do when I got off: I was going to see "Mission: Impossible" at the Mann Cinema 21. (At the time, it was one of two large screen single movie theatres still operating in San Diego, but within two years, they would shut down.) I went straight over there from work without going home.

I had a good time at the movie. I walked out to my car. There was still plenty of daylight left, but I planned to go home and take a nap. I would figure out later what I was going to do that evening.

As soon as I got home, the light on my answering machine was flashing like crazy. I hit the play button. There were at least 30 messages on the machine. They were all attempted collected calls from Kelz. All they consisted of was the electronic operator informing me that I had a collect call from her and that I needed to press one to accept. I listened to them one by one, wondering how recently she made the last attempt. (My answering machine didn't have a time code for the messages.) After about 10 minutes, all the messages had played. I just had to wait for the phone to ring again.

Finally, it did. As expected, it was a collect call from Kelz. I'll bet she was surprised when I finally picked up the phone. She was at a Home Depot in El Cajon. She asked me to come get her.

First I had to find Home Depot in the Yellow Pages. Then, I had to figure out how to get there. I was able to look it up on my map and start driving. I got to the parking lot and found her. Before she saw me, I saw her going up to someone and hitting them up for change.

She was excited to see me. I guess she and Brod were "hustling" out there and he got mad and stranded her. The first thing she asked me was to buy her a hot dog from the Home Depot concession stand. (Yeah, it was cheaper than the hot dog I bought at the movie theatre. Too bad they weren't showing "Mission: Impossible on a 60-foot wide screen at Home Depot.) This was even though she had hustled some cash. We went back to the car and drove to my apartment.

We went inside. After she went to the bathroom, we were in the bedroom. She said she felt bad about everything that was going on. I started holding her and the next thing I knew, we were kissing. I felt like something was going to happen and started making moves. She started to say, "No... no... no..." rather softly. I kept kissing her. She repeated, "No... no... no..."

I remembered what happened the last time I thought we were going to make love and figured I needed to show her I could be a man about it. I picked her up off the floor and THREW her on the bed. She started screaming, "NOOOOOO!!!!!" At this point, I started taking her seriously and stopped what I was doing.

I sat on the bed. I told her I was sorry and that I wasn't going to force her to do something she didn't want to do. She remained on the bed with her face in the pillow. I left the bedroom and let her go to sleep there. I didn't like myself very much at that point.

I don't remember what happened the next few hours. I probably took a nap on the portable mattress in the living room. She may have woken up and we got something to eat. We likely went driving around for a little bit. I don't recall too much, but she was no longer upset with me.

I had to work the next morning. I went to bed. She laid down next to me. We talked a little. She said, "I'm really hot. I'm going to take off my pants." She did that and we continued to talk. Then she said, "I'm still hot. I'm going to take off my shirt. She also did that, but didn't have a bra on underneath. Again, we talked some more. Then, "I'm still really hot. I'm going to take off my underwear."

At this point, I decided she wasn't giving me mixed signals this time. I started engaging in an activity of a sexual nature. She started shrieking, "You little devil!" She made it obvious this was what she wanted.

I asked her, "Do you want me to get the condom?" "YES!" And we made love.

After it was over, she decided to get up and leave. She wasn't going to spend the night. This turn of events was all so rapid, I didn't have time to digest what had just happened.

I was left asking a lot of questions: Why was she so against making love six hours earlier, but so gung ho just now? And she had indicated that she wanted to spend the night in the apartment. Why did she leave and hit the streets so late at night? Was she doing all this just to mess with my mind? Would I even know what to expect from women anymore?

I never got answers to any of these. But the events of this wacky day would have somewhat of an impact on both our lives a little later on.

I hate the IRS!

You may recall that before I kicked Kelz out of the apartment, I was expecting a refund from the IRS for the 1995 tax year. It was supposed to be around $150. Several weeks later, I was still waiting for that refund. I knew that I still had the only copy of the mailbox key, so it wasn't really possible that Kelz and her gang had managed to get their hands on it.

After I had waited more than a reasonable amount of time, I decided to call the IRS and try to find out if the refund had been sent and what may have happened to it. I had to wait for two hours to speak to a live person.

When someone finally got on the phone, they discovered that the check had been sent out and returned back to the IRS. Apparently, it was sent to "Fillmore St.," not "Illinois St.," where I lived. (DAMN MY HANDWRITING! BUT I HAD PRINTED THIS!) I was fortunate that there was no Fillmore St. in San Diego. (But there is a Fillmore Lane now.) The IRS representative said it would take up to six weeks to send out a replacement check. But I really needed that money right then and there. However, I would be glad to get it anytime it arrived.

About a week later, I got a letter from the IRS. It was sent to the Illinois St. address. It basically notified me that they were in the process of sending me a new check and it would be a few weeks before I would receive it. My first thought was, "Well, if they can send me this letter, why couldn't they just send the check as well?"

Another week later, I received another letter from the IRS, but this was addressed to the "Fillmore St." location. It basically said that since the check had been returned, I needed to contact them to try to get it sent to the right location. Again, I thought, "If this letter got to me with the wrong street name, why didn't I get the check in the first place?"

Eventually, I got the check. And the money disappeared pretty quickly because I had a lot of bills. It almost wasn't worth the wait.

The bright spot in all this was that this was the last time I would file my tax return by mail. The next year, I got to participate in TeleFile and that continued for the next ten years. After that, I was able to use on-line software to file my returns. I haven't missed a refund since.

But I still hate the IRS.

An issue with the "F-word"

A friend of mine recently shared this meme from bisexual.org (in which I have edited out the terms I would find offensive). I was rather taken aback by what was being implied here. It's almost like saying a woman put you in a "Friend Zone" is just as bad as calling her a "SL-word" or a "B-word."

I must have missed something here. When did "Friend Zone" suddenly become politically incorrect? Who is offended when someone says they put him (or her) into the "Friend Zone?"

I looked it up on Wikipedia and apparently, it's considered misogynistic because it means that the man expects to be rewarded sexually for doing nice things for the woman. I never considered this because for the the majority of my life, I never had any expectation of sexual encounters with the women I considered friends.

My chief example is Thoz (who has used the term with regards to me). Ours was a true friendship. In the course of this blog, I have written about doing nice things for her and her doing nice things for me. It was a solid friendship at the time and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Now, I'm not going to change the term on my blog because there may be some people out there who find it offensive. That's mainly because there is no other term that describes the situation as well and won't also be considered offensive. I mean, how long is it going to be before someone finds my terms "Ring Zone," "Mistop" and "Lostop" misogynistic? (Although I will admit that someone could find "Radio Tease," "Personal Ad Tease" and "Internet Tease" offensive. I won't be changing those, either.)

This is the thing that gets me: If I screamed the "SL-word" at a woman, I would expect her to be offended. If I hollered the "B-word" at a woman, she would likely get mad. But if I angrily yelled "FRIEND ZONE" at a woman, she would probably double up with laughter.

(And I'm guessing the "C-word" isn't considered an attack? That means we can have at it!)

What kind of birds don't fly? (Part 2)

A few weeks after Kelz had been released on charges of prostitution, I got another collect call from her. She'd been arrested again. Things were more serious this time because she was now a repeat offender. She didn't know what was going to happen.

But the good news was that it was a lot easier to come visit her. I showed up at the facility just before visiting hours began and after waiting a few minutes, they let me go to the visiting area. They opened the door for me right away and escorted Kelz in a couple of minutes later. This was opposite of how it happened last time.

We got to use the entire 90 minutes to visit that afternoon. We really didn't talk about anything special. She was a lot more willing to laugh at my silly jokes this time. She really did seem to enjoy my company. I guess she enjoyed it enough that she asked me to come back a second time.

In between visits, Kelz called me collect on a Sunday afternoon. KUSI was showing "My Fair Lady." In the background on Kelz' side of the conversation, I could hear music from the movie playing. I asked Kelz if "My Fair Lady" was on the TV over there. She said, "Yeah, some of the women here are really into it!"

I came back a couple of days later. About an hour after we started the visitation, we heard someone pounding on the door. As I mentioned from the first time I came to visit, I had been instructed to not knock on the door. I was also told to not open the door if someone came knocking. So I didn't open that door. But whoever was outside was pounding on the door for ten minutes without the guard going to answer it.

Then a guard escorted a male inmate into Kelz' side of the room. I was astonished. I didn't know the visitation area was co-ed. I know they separated the male and female inmates in the holding areas, but I thought they did that all the time.

The male inmate was a Hispanic man around 20 years old. He took a seat on the opposite wall from Kelz. Then the guard went around and opened the door for the person who was pounding. It was a woman who appeared around 18. She was also Hispanic. She took a seat and picked up the phone.

At this point, there was 15 minutes left to visitation. The inmate started yelling at his girlfriend. "WHAT HAPPENED? YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO BE HERE! WHY WEREN'T YOU HERE WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO BE HERE?" The only response she had was "I'M HERE NOW! I'M HERE RIGHT NOW! CAN WE TALK? I'M HERE NOW! This went on for 15 minutes. ALL 15 MINUTES. Kelz and I couldn't continue our conversation because of them.

A guard came to take Kelz and the other inmate away. Another one came to escort me and the girlfriend. I saw for the first time that she had dolled herself up for him. She was wearing a really cute black dress. I'll bet she wondered why she bothered.

I figured out that neither one of them knew about the process to get checked in the first time and so neither one knew it would take an hour for her paperwork to go through. He knew what time visiting hours were and as each minute ticked by past the beginning, he started getting angrier and angrier until he decided he was just going to let her have it when she showed up.

Kelz took another plea bargain, but the conditions were much more restrictive. Mainly, she said she couldn't be out on the streets past a certain hour. This pretty much prevented her from being a prostitute. At least, that's the excuse she gave Brod.

I will tell you this, she never did get arrested again in San Diego. I've never been to visit anyone else in jail since then.

What kind of birds don't fly? (Part 1)

I got a collect call from Kelz one night. She had been arrested for prostitution and was being held at the Wackenhut detention facility in the Otay Mesa area. The problem was that Brod didn't know. She needed me to go tell him. "No, I don't want to go talk to him." "You have to. He has no idea where I am and you're the only person I get a hold of to deliver the message."

She told me where I could find him. It was at the apartment of a friend. It was a building behind a main house. There was a gate there. I was supposed to reach over the gate and pull the string attached to a bell to get someone's attention. The first time I went, no one was home. I came back a couple of hours later. The friend was there and came out of his apartment. I told him I was looking for Brod. He opened the gate and let me come in. Brod was in his apartment. I'm certain he was wondering why I was there.

Even though I felt like I had entered a lion's den, I tried hard to keep my cool and explain what was going on. I explained that Kelz had been arrested. He started discussing the situation with his friend and I somehow became involved in the conversation, like I somehow knew how the legal process worked or something like that. After everything that could be discussed was discussed, I decided to go on my way, Brod thanked me for coming by and letting him know what was going on.

Kelz called me collect again and I told her I got a hold of Brod. She was grateful. She then told me I should come visit her at Wackenhut. She said I could come anytime. That didn't make sense to me, but she insisted that she could have visitors anytime day or night. I called the facility and the woman who answered the phone said yes, there was visitation allowed at all hours, but she asked me if I was an attorney. I said no and she told me that civilian visitation was limited to 90 minutes in the morning and 90 minutes in the afternoon. I would have to come down there and fill out some forms before I would get to visit with Kelz.

I drove down the next day at the start of the visiting hours. There were so many forms I had to fill out, including an approval for a criminal background check. After filling it out, I had to wait about 30 minutes for them to process everything. I was then instructed to walk over to the building that housed the visiting area, go up the stairs and wait for the door to open. I was told not to knock on the door. I had to just stand there and wait.

After about ten minutes, the door opened. I walked inside and found a scene I had seen countless times in movies and TV. There was a holding area with several windows and phones connected to the wall. Kelz was on the other side of one of the windows. She was wearing an orange jumpsuit. I picked up the phone and started talking to her.

We didn't really talk about anything meaningful. I tried to make her laugh, but it was apparent she didn't like me seeing her like that. She started getting upset and went to bang on the door to be taken out. A recording then came on the phone instructing me to leave. A guard came in and let her out of the prisoner side of the visiting area. I left.

Kelz continued to call me collect from the facility over the next couple of days while she was waiting to be arraigned. She didn't know what was going to happen. I told her that Brod said she probably didn't have much to worry about because this was her first offense in San Diego. I asked her if she wanted me to come visit her again, but she said no.

She was eventually arraigned. I guess she took a plea deal and wasn't fined or sentenced to any jailtime. She called me to come pick her up in Downtown San Diego. She was going to be put on a light rail train, but didn't know what time. Somehow, I knew it would be the final train. I showed up at the station where she said she was going to be. She was there with other women who had just been released. I remember one guy came up and gave his girlfriend a big hug before they got into the car.

Kelz just wanted me to drive her over to the lion's den. Brod was glad to see her, and thanked me for picking her up.

Kelz hoped she wouldn't get caught again. But as you know there's going to be a Part 2, that certainly wasn't going to be avoided.

A Tempted Beauti-Col

My encounters with Kelz after I made her move out kept becoming more and more bizarre. She would often come by the apartment to see how things were going. I never really knew when to expect her, but when she did show up, I was always glad to see that she was still alive.

I still did things for her. Once, I took her to a nearby thrift store to get a pair of shoes. We found a pair of Skechers that happened to be her size.

If she said she was hungry, I would take her out and get something to eat. There was one time when we went to Jack in the Box in Hillcrest. While waiting for our food, she ran into this guy she knew. The person appeared to be homeless and I got the idea this was someone she had slept with. After we got our food, we started to leave. He asked if he could come with us. Kelz looked at me like she wanted him to join us, but I told him no. I never saw that guy again.

Another time she came over, I told her I was going to go to the Wikiup Cafe for the monthly showcase and invited her to come with me. But she said she had to meet up with Brod in a few minutes. It was just as well. This was going to be the showcase that Reaz was scheduled to perform. I found Reaz at the cafe. We sat down at the same table and started talking. Another singer-songwriter named Jez was there with her fiance. Jez had also been at the open mic night the week before. They both had seen me perform a couple of songs. Jez and her fiance sat at the next table, but Jez would frequently add something to the conversation between Reaz and me. We were mostly talking about our musical experiences.

All of a sudden, Kelz came in. I asked her what happened to Brod. She said he just dropped her off there at the cafe. Kelz sat in a chair behind me, but between the two tables. Reaz, Jez, her fiance and I continued our conversation. Kelz just sat there and listened.

Reaz got up and performed her set. It went very well. She came back and sat down. Next, it was Jez' turn. Every once in awhile, I would say something to Kelz. At one point, I remember leaning over and purposefully touched her forehead with mine while we were talking. I was actually surprised at how flirtatious I was being with her, even though I was trying to start something up with Reaz.

I asked Kelz what she was going to do later. She said, "I want to go back to your place." "And what do you want to do there?" "Whatever you want."

I turned my head to watch Jez perform. I had to think about this. I knew that Kelz and I couldn't live together again, but I couldn't say that I was ever adverse to making love with her again. I had just never considered that possibility would arise. I thought about waiting until after Jez' set was finished to see if Kelz wanted to leave. But she was only a couple of songs in and she was scheduled to perform for a half hour. I suddenly realized I couldn't wait that long.

In what was probably just ten seconds after she spoke to me, I asked Kelz if she was ready to go. She said she was. I said goodbye to Reaz and told her I would see her again.

Kelz and I went back to my apartment. We went into the bedroom. I started trying to hold and kiss her and move her toward the bed. She appeared playfully resistant to laying down. Then she said she had to go to the bathroom. I waited in the dark bedroom. After a few minutes, she came out of the bathroom and went into the living room. She wasn't wearing any pants. She sat down in the comfy chair.

I went up to her and tried to hold her. But she said, "You know, I'm not really ready for any kind of a relationship right now." I tried to get her to come back into the bedroom, but she wouldn't move from the chair. I just took that to mean that we weren't going to make love. She was just going to hang out for a bit and then leave. I just could not figure out what was going on. Why did she seem so willing and then suddenly lose interest?

At the time, I thought the problem was because I didn't behave all manly in trying to get her to make love. I knew that if the opportunity arose again, I would have to do something differently. And I did just that when it did, but it didn't work out the way I expected. As usual, that will be a post for another day.

Sometime later, I think I figured out what happened. She could probably tell that I was interested in Reaz and decided to see if she could play a game to pull me away from her. She likely had no intention of actually making love that night. She actually pulled a V-block.

(And a side note: Jez was someone I was attracted to and I would run into her years later. However, she didn't marry that guy and I never got involved with her. But she will be making another appearance in this blog WAY in the future.)

Ring Zone #5: Reaz

(What's a Ring Zone? Click here!)

In the middle of Kelz coming in and out of my life, I started thinking about pursuing a new relationship. However, I didn't want to start up with the personal ads again. But I didn't really know of any other method of meeting women. Even though I was now officially sexually active, I didn't have any desire to begin a series of prowling for one-night stands. I still wanted to meet someone I could have feelings for and have those feelings returned. This had all a part of my need to be a mature person before experiencing sex for the first time. I wanted to continue that same line of thinking, even though I knew I would be having sex with future girlfriends.

One particular Friday night, I went to the Javanican coffee house in Pacific Beach. It was practically a hut and could probably seat about 10 - 15 people inside. (But there was outdoor seating.) It featured a very small stage that was large enough for one person and a guitar. There were a few local musicians who had weekly gigs there.

This was the night I met Reaz. She was a singer-songwriter who was about my age. She had medium-length blonde hair and brown eyes. She was dressed in black. I was sort of like the only person there (out of maybe five) who was paying any attention to her. Usually, if I went to see live music and I'm just about the only person, I'll read whatever publications the venue has strewn about so as to not creep out the entertainment.

Her songs were standard coffee-house fare, intended more for background music as opposed to attention-seeking folk-rock activism. The songs were pleasant to listen to, but weren't anything special. During her break, she sat down and talked to me for a little bit. I told her I was also a local musician and we compared notes on songwriting. After her break, I decided to go do something else.

I ran into her again a few weeks later. I was going to perform during an open mic at the Wikiup Cafe. She came in to perform as well. I recognized her immediately, but it took her a few seconds to remember me. She told me she had been invited to be a part of the Wikiup's showcase the next week and the open mic MC asked her to come in that night to help build up an audience for the show.

I saw Reaz again at the showcase the next week. I was starting to get the idea that she might actually like me. However, for reasons that will become clear in tomorrow's post, I didn't think to get her phone number at the time. It would be a few months before I got to see her again. I saw a listing in the Reader that she was going to be playing at a coffee house in Carlsbad. I drove up to see her perform. She appeared very excited to see me. In the middle of her performance, this guy came in and walked up to her. She gave him a hug and a kiss on the lips. I was surprised. In the conversations we'd had, she never mentioned that she was involved with anyone. I didn't know what to think about this.

After her show was finished, I asked for her phone number. She gave it to me without hesitation, but didn't say anything about the guy I'd see her kiss. I looked at this as a positive.

I called her up a few days later. She sounded like she didn't really want to talk at that time. She told me where she was going to be performing next in San Diego and I said I would see her there.

I showed up at the coffee house and the kissing guy was there. She introduced him as her husband, Krad. He didn't act all jealous or anything, but I was pretty certain she asked him to be there as a kind of buffer. We were able to talk to each other like a couple of regular guys, so it didn't appear all awkward, although I felt the whole time that it was.

I saw her perform sporadically a few more times over the next couple of years. In 1999, when Abed
and I were going to perform at the Casbah in San Diego at a release show for a compilation CD that we appeared on, I had called and left a message on their machine. They actually showed up. I got to surprise them with my short hair. We visited for a bit.

Fairly soon after that, Reaz and Krad decided to move back to Minnesota, where she was from. I talked to her briefly before she left. I never got to talk to her again, even though she gave me her new address. I have not been able to find her on the Internet.

I have to tell you, Ring Zones aren't much fun when you have to interact with the husband.

If you've ever found your dessert missing...

When you bring your own food from home to work, don't make it so tempting.



The only problem is that you don't always know how long something has been sitting in there.

A whole new level of trouble

While Kelz and I were living together, Brod was one of the few people she told me about that I could tell actually existed. I didn't believe her about the people from NA who were meeting at our apartment. I didn't believe Aard was trying to date her. I didn't believe that her ex-boyfriend from Iowa had moved to San Diego and found her. But I could tell that Brod was real, even though I never saw any evidence that she was hanging out with him.

I should detail that at this time, El Cajon Blvd. was known as a hotbed for prostitution. I can recall walking down the street in the late afternoon and seeing several women on street corners dressed in a provocative fashion. This had been going on for years. I remember seeing one woman who was clearly offering her wares. I could hear a couple of young men a few yards behind her discussing what she was doing. She looked like she was about to start crying.

About a month after I kicked Kelz out of the apartment, she called and told me that there was some stuff of hers still in my apartment that she needed me to get for her. She asked me to bring the stuff to her room at the Berkshire Hotel on El Cajon Blvd. The hotel had the reputation of being THE place for prostitutes to stay overnight and bring clients in. I would be leaving for work around 4:30am. She said she would still be awake at that time and to bring the stuff then. She gave me the room number.

I arrived and knocked on the door. She answered it. When she opened the door, Brod was in the room. I looked at him. He was a black man around 40 years old. He was clearly her pimp. He didn't say anything, but he was giving me the "evil eye." I tried hard not to appear threatened. Kelz came outside and followed me to my car. I opened the trunk and handed her the stuff she requested. She said she'd had a hard night working and was glad it was over so she could get some sleep. She embraced me before she went back into the room. I held her for just a little bit. I was very sad.

About a week later, there was something she needed and she asked me to come see her. She was going to be working on El Cajon Blvd. that night. She told me the intersection. She was there with another woman and Brod was a few yards away. While Kelz was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, you couldn't really tell that she was there as a prostitute. We talked for a little bit, but that was it. She had to get back to work. There was no embrace this time.

A few weeks later, Abed
had a performance scheduled at a coffee shop called Millennium in North Park. He was going to open for the person whose CD release show Kelz I and went to where she disappeared. I invited Kelz to come see the show. She arrived, but she brought Brod with her. I didn't know that was going to happen. Normally, I could have dealt with this, but they were acting like boyfriend/girlfriend and it was really upsetting to me. I didn't stick around for the headliner. Later, Kelz apologized for bringing Brod. She said that they stayed around after the show and Brod spoke to the headliner a little bit. I guess he enjoyed it.

Kelz still came to the apartment from time to time. Once during an afternoon visit, she asked if she could take a nap. I allowed her to lay down on the portable mattress in the living room. Another time, she came over in tears, claiming that Brod had struck her. I let her stay with me that night. I didn't know what else to do. The next day, she just went back to him.

However, I continued to get involved in the relationship between her and Brod, in ways I never expected.

Coming up on Monday, a slight break from the Kelz story, but it still ties in.

The afterphysicaleducation

After kicking Kelz out the apartment, I knew I would still be seeing her from time to time. I was right. Fortunately, almost all of my encounters with her took place at the apartment we used to share. Otherwise, she had me meet her somewhere specific. I did not come across that embarrassing prospect of accidentally bumping into her in the street.

And for good reason. The first time she came to see me (which was about a week after I forced her to leave), she told me that she was back to making money by being a prostitute. I know she was trying to lay a guilt trip on me, and I had to fight myself to not give in and let her come back. It was really hard because I still loved her and cared about her. But I had to tell myself there was nothing she could say or do that would make me change my mind and allow her to move back in. If I did, I knew she would just return to her old habits and I would be even more worse off.

A couple of weeks later, she visited again. This time, she didn't have any shoes on. I could tell she was very unhappy. She started embracing me and I returned it. We held each other quietly for about five minutes. Even though she smelled like she hadn't had a shower in three days, I continued to hold her.

Anytime she did come to the apartment, she was alone. She would sometimes make it seem like Brod was outside in the car waiting for her, but I followed her once and watched her continue to walk all the way down to El Cajon Blvd. If Brod dropped her off, he didn't stick around to see if she was going to come out.

And then there was the one time she came over. For whatever reason, I had to run into the bedroom to get something while she sat in the chair in the living room. I came back out, we visited a bit and then she left. I then felt like eating a pizza, but I didn't have any cash. I figured I could write a check. I went to where I kept my checkbook, which was in the shelf next to the chair. IT WAS GONE! In addition, my spare car key, which was in the same location as my checkbook, was also missing! I started freaking out! And even worse, I WASN'T GOING TO GET TO HAVE ANY PIZZA THAT NIGHT!

My first course of action was to find someplace to park my car. I drove it to another street a couple of blocks away. I told Thoz
what happened. She said she had an old steering wheel club she could give me, but it would be a couple of days before I could come get it from her. I just had to hope Kelz and Brod didn't spend a lot of time looking for my car if they were planning to steal it.

The next day, I called Wells Fargo bank to stop payment on the missing checks. There were about 12 out of my starter set of 15 that I had left. I had to provide the number for each individual check so that they could stop payment on them in the event someone tried to pass them. After giving all the check numbers, the woman who was assisting me then told me it would cost $9.99 for each check to be stopped. "What? I only have $120 in the bank! I'm better off taking my chances that they won't write the checks. Let's forget this!" Then, the representative told me she could go ahead and waive the fees. When she said that, I knew that she already had access to my account information. She could see how much was in my account. Why didn't she offer to waive the fees to start with? Did she really think I would be okay with using all my available cash for this?

One thing you should know is that I never confronted Kelz about the missing checks or the car key. I already knew that she was going to deny everything.

I was able to get the club from Thoz and start parking in my spot outside the apartment again. No one ever tried to break into my car. But a couple of years later, I was going through some things, and I found the car key. I no longer had the car, but the key was someplace I don't recall using as a hiding spot. It made me wonder if Kelz brought the key back at some point and hid it away.

And when I stopped payment on the checks, I asked the representative if I would be notified if someone tried to forge a check. She said no. Not knowing this information might have become an issue later. The first time I tried to apply for an apartment in San Jose in 2003 so that I could move in with my girlfriend at the time, the property management company declined my application because of a couple of debts that had gone into collections. After doing some research, it turned out that someone had written a couple of bad checks in my name at Kmart. One was for at least $300 and the other was at least $600. I challenged them on the credit report in which they appeared and they were removed. However, the collections later appeared on a different reporting agency's record, which almost cost me another apartment, but the owner accepted my explanation that I wasn't responsible.

However, about five years ago, I had a cardboard tube with movie posters inside. I pulled out the posters and FOUND THE CHECKBOOK! I was astonished, but also very certain I didn't put it in there. I didn't think about it at the time, but I wish I had at least looked at the check numbers to find out for certain that the checks had been used. As it was, I was no longer concerned with what Kelz had allegedly perpetrated on me in the past, so I threw the checks into the shred pile. So, it will always remain a mystery: Was it my own checks that were bad, or were they the fault of someone who has the same name as me?

As usual, there are a lot of mysteries surrounding my time with Kelz that remain unsolved today. There are many more to come.

The afterreading

I started settling into a post-Kelz existence. I was still trying to piece together everything that went wrong between us. The good part about all this was that none of my friends told me they thought I was stupid to move her out of Iowa. They probably knew I already felt that way.

One of the people I talked to was Lawz
. Unbeknownst to me, she had started a phone friendship with Kelz and would call from time to time. One of the things she told Kelz about was a phone line that she could call and listen to free personal ads by men. Lawz got a kick out of listening to them and thought Kelz would, too. But Lawz never tried to contact those who placed the ads. It was just something else she did when she was bored. I realized that this was the reason I kept getting phone calls from people who would hang up on me. It appeared that Kelz responded to the ads, went out and likely had one night stands.

At the time, I held Lawz responsible for that part of the downward spiral in our relationship. I didn't get mad on the phone, but I didn't talk to her again until about a year later. (The details of that are in the article I wrote about her.) But in the end, this wasn't the catalyst of the downturn in the relationship. It just led to me receiving a lot of awkward phone calls.

Kelz' ex-boyfriend from the Chicago area also called. (This was the one who fathered the child she had shortly before I met her.) It turned out she was keeping in contact with him and would call him from time to time. I thought this would be a good time to get answers to questions because I was having a hard time figuring out what was real about Kelz and what wasn't. He seemed eager to share.

He told me that she had a pretty messed-up existence. She had a tendency to have sex with random guys all the time, even when they were together. She would sometimes go so far as to find homeless men in alleys and have sex with them. He didn't know why she did this.

I asked about the satanic cult. He said he was pretty certain that was true, because she used to have a lot of tattoos that displayed this kind of activity. She'd had them removed before she met me. I could see the scars on her arms and body, but couldn't see what the tattoos used to be.

I asked about the other child and the drug dealing father, both of whom apparently died recently. I asked if they existed. He didn't know it for a fact. However, he did recall seeing a photograph of her holding a baby in the hospital when she was 16. So the child was real, but it was probably another one she gave up for adoption.

I told him that occasionally, when she was on the phone, it appeared like she wasn't talking to anyone (especially during those times she wanted to communicate something to me but couldn't tell me to my face). In fact, she was supposedly talking to him. He said there was one time when they were living together that she was on the phone and the noisy tone came on, so he didn't know when she was really talking to someone, either.

He told me that recently, she called him up and acted like I was there in the room with her, going so far to say something like, "Hey, make yourself useful and get me a beer!" I told him she never asked me to do that when she was on the phone.

I told him that before she moved back out to San Diego, she said that he had come to Iowa and hung out with her at her grandmother's house. He swore he'd never been to Iowa, especially in the last couple of months.

That conversation answered some questions, but brought on a lot more. Most of the questions were "Why?" I had to come to the realization that I would never get closure on them. I also needed to conclude that there was probably nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome. Kelz was just one of those women who could find trouble without really looking for it.

Since I knew she was not completely out of my life, the biggest questions were "When will it all end?" and, "What has to happen to make it all end?" It would be a long time before I got answers to those.

The afterscience

Even though Kelz and I were still sleeping together, things got worse and worse every day I didn't have a working vehicle. Kelz would just get up and go without really letting me know where she was going, except to say she was going to be with Brod.

And then I was starting to get phone calls in which, once I answered, whoever it was would hang up. It reminded me of that Dr. Hook song "When You're in Love with a Beautiful Woman," particularly the lyric, "You know that it's crazy, you know you should trust her, then somebody hangs up when you answer the phone." That happened once when Kelz was there. In California, the *69 feature had recently been introduced, but you had to sign up for the service. I didn't do that. But in early 1996, Pacific Bell decided to make it free to everyone for a trial period. She hit *69 and talked to the person who tried to call. This conversation went on for an hour and bordered on being flirtatious.

One night, she came home and told me, "I just did some heroin." I asked, "Okay, what now?" "I don't know. I have to start my 12 steps all over again. I don't know if it's worth it." I told her I would support her efforts to stop, but she didn't seem to want to do that. I felt powerless to do anything.

One night after she left, I went to the closet where I kept my cash and noticed a $50 bill was missing. I changed the hiding spot for my money. Later, I was in bed. I heard her come in the bedroom and open the closet. I could tell she was looking for the money, but couldn't find it. At that point, she knew that I was aware that something was up and that I wasn't being as trustful as I was before. She went back out for a few more hours.

When I was at work on a Friday morning, 02/09/96, she called me. She said that Brod had to crash at our apartment, but he would be out before I got home. I told her I didn't have a problem with that. I came home later and no one was there. I went into the bedroom and it smelled like something sexual had happened in there. And Kelz and I did not sleep together the night before.

I went over to the condom box in the medicine cabinet. I knew how many times Kelz and I had made love and the number of condoms left in the box was one less. I pulled out the bed and found the wrapper. My heart sunk. I spent the rest of the day contemplating what I would do. I knew I needed to get her out of my life. I just didn't know how because I felt so responsible.

Later in the evening, I called up Knod. I told her what happened. I told her I needed to kick Kelz out, but didn't think I had the strength of character to do it. Knod gave me a few encouraging words. While we were talking, Kelz came home. I continued having a conversation with Knod on another topic. Kelz went into the bedroom and came back out. She quietly kissed me on the back of the head and then went out again. I told Knod I would have to have the confrontation when she came back.

When Kelz came back around midnight, I asked Kelz if she was going to stay. She said she was going back out. Brod was waiting for her. I said, "Well, you can stay out because I don't want you coming back." "Why?" "Because you slept with Broad!" "No, I didn't!" "I came home and I could smell it in the bedroom, AND there was a condom missing." "That's because Brod had sex with someone else in there!" "You didn't mention anybody else crashing here." "Well, they did!" "Well, it doesn't matter because I WANT YOU OUT! GIVE ME YOUR KEY!" She took her apartment key off her ring and threw it on the ground. "AND THE MAILBOX KEY!" She took that off and threw it on the ground. "NOW, GO! I'll have all your stuff ready tomorrow." "You're going to be sorry!" And she left.

For the next two hours, I thought about what just happened. I wondered if she was telling me the truth. If I hadn't had that talk with Knod, I probably would have acted like I believed her and let her stay. But then I started wondering about what would happen next. I had things she might try to steal. She could easily break in and rummage through the apartment trying to find my money when I wasn't there, or even worse, while I was sleeping. I had to do something.

Around 2am, I called Thoz
. I told her that Kelz had cheated on me and I kicked her out of the apartment. I asked her if she could come over and help me move some of my stuff over to my workplace for safekeeping until this all blew over. She agreed without hesitation and was at my apartment about 30 minutes later. (I think this was after she'd gotten a wolf tattoo on her back. She showed it to me while she was there. She did seem proud of it.) I loaded up my TV, VCR, stereo and keyboard in her car. We drove over and I put them in the basement. Thoz didn't really have a lot to say about Kelz. She did sympathize with my situation and said it would probably get better. She thought I had done a smart thing by moving that stuff out.

It was hard to sleep that night. I woke up the next morning and started packing Kelz' stuff so they would be ready when she came over. When I was going through her stuff, I found a lot of things she had written on notebook paper. One of them was a list of pros and cons of doing drugs. I guess this was something that she presented at an NA meeting. Among the pros was a greater sense of intimacy during sex and having friends to hang out with. But the list of cons was much longer and included the prospect of having to have multiple abortions and giving up children for adoption. It made me wonder if she felt this way, why she decided to start using again.

I also found a letter from her grandmother telling her she had run up $200 in long distance calls while she was there and wanted to know when she was going to send her money to cover that. In addition, I came across a note that looked like she had written in when she was in Iowa. If you recall, I called the house and supposedly talked to someone who wasn't Kelz. This appeared to be a note from that someone else telling Kelz that I had called. But the handwriting was slightly different from the pros and cons list. I wondered why Kelz would keep this note and bring it with her. Nothing made sense!

I tried to mentally prepare for her eventual arrival. I didn't know what would happen when I saw her again. I didn't know if she was going to beg me to let her come back, or have Brod kill me or pour gasoline on the carpet and light a match.

About 3pm, she came into the apartment. (I had the door open and the screen was unlocked.) She was by herself. She saw her bags in the living room. She grabbed some of them and went outside, but left the rest there. I tried to ask her how she was doing, but she was in no mood to talk to me. I was rather relieved that was all that happened.

Was that the last I saw of her? Heck, no!

Skipping ahead a few months

Calendars are great for logging future events, but they can't predict the future.



The stupid thing is that this calendar features characters from the first six episodes of "Star Wars," including Hayden Christensen and Ewan McGregor, BUT NOT NATALIE PORTMAN!

The aftermath

After Kelz and I made love for the first time, we held each other. She dozed off rather quickly, but I had a hard time falling asleep. I contemplated what had just happened. I really didn't feel different, but I knew I couldn't return to not having sex again.

I got up so I could go to work. I took a shower and took the bus over. During the period of time I was there by myself, I could still smell Kelz' scent on me. I wondered if it would ever go away or if anyone else would notice.

I was able to mostly avoid everyone at work and came home. Kelz wasn't there. After I took a nap, she still wasn't there. Since my car was still at the mechanic's, I really didn't have much to do. I decided to make a few phone calls to my friends. I don't know why I did this, but I had to tell them ALL about what happened. This was in spite of the fact that I had already formulated the Seven Levels of Sexual Discreetness prior to this.

This telling of my friends actually took place over a few days, but here is a list of most everyone I told about losing my virginity (in no particular order):

Abed
Thoz
Lawz
Knod
Chud
Bid
Tod
Daz
Rid
Chez

I know I didn't go into a great deal of detail about how it happened and the reactions were varied. Bid was probably the most excited. He'd been telling me to get laid for years. Chez was probably the most surprised. Close to the end of our conversation, she asked me if I had something on my mind I wanted to tell her. I told her that now this had happened, I was wondering what it would be like to make love with her. (However, I failed to qualify that by saying that it would only be IF I was not in a relationship.)

I should note that I did not tell my parents or my brother Loyd about it. My parents assumed I had been sexually active since I was 15 and Loyd sort of figured it out by osmosis.

Looking back, I regret telling everyone about this so soon after it happened. I guess I was bored and didn't have anything better to do. Besides, I felt like if Kelz was okay telling everybody my business, she shouldn't have a problem with me telling about hers. I now know that was wrong on my part.

But I definitely do not regret losing my virginity. This was probably the right time in my life to have it happen. I was certainly mature enough to handle the impact it would have on the way I think. As I've said before, if I had lost it when I was 15, there would have been so many more consequences I would have been forced to suffer.

When will it happen?

I knew about a week before when I wanted the magical moment between Kelz and me to take place. I had planned for it to be on a Friday night. I had given myself plenty of time to prepare for the day I would no longer be a virgin.

I had always expected to save myself for the woman I would get married to. However, I was also getting a lot more pressure than I expected from Kelz. I never thought that she would be someone I would get married to, but I also had been anticipating that it was possible I might never get married. There was kind of no point in continuing my celibacy.

Honestly, I was afraid that having sex for the first time would change everything I knew about myself: The way I feel when I see women, how I deal with them on a day to day basis, wondering if it's possible that someone I find attractive and available will like me enough to want to have sex with me.

I anticipated the major change that would take place for that particular night. We were together in bed, making out and engaging in activities of a sexual nature. I told her I was ready to make love. She excitedly got up, ran to the medicine cabinet and got a condom out of the box.

However, I had a problem. This had not been an issue during our previous sexual-but-not-sex encounters, but it was now. I guess there were go many different thoughts spinning through my mind that I couldn't get my desires out of my head so that they could spread to the relevant parts of my body. No matter what we did, it just was not going to happen that night.

I offered to engage in further sexual activity, but she was obviously frustrated, put her clothes on and left the apartment. I felt so alone then. I wondered if our relationship was going to last at this rate. And if it ended, what then? Were we still going to live together, but not be boyfriend/girlfriend? I didn't know how that was going to work out. (And I hadn't anticipated that prospect when I agreed to bring her out to San Diego.)

She came back and went straight to bed without speaking to me. I didn't know what to think.

The next day, I went to work. After I came back, we decided to do some running around. We drove to Coronado, but the car started acting up after we crossed the bridge. It seemed like it wasn't going to go any further, so I had to pull over. I thought it was low on oil. I figured we could just walk to the closest gas station, get some oil, walk back to the car and put it in. We'd be okay. It took us about 20 minutes to find a station. The whole way there and the whole way back to the car, she didn't say a thing, no matter how much I tried to engage her in conversation. The car started going again and we drove back home.

We tried to make love again that evening. Again, it just didn't happen. I was really starting to get depressed.

On Sunday, I decided to not try to drive the car anymore until I could get it fixed. I planned to take it to the mechanic's on Monday. Kelz decided to do some stuff on her own that day. I didn't feel like doing anything except sulk in the apartment.

When Kelz came back home that night, she said she had gotten into a fight. She had these three long gashes on her arm. However, they weren't bleeding and there wasn't any blood on her clothes. I have no idea what happened. I asked her if she needed to go to the emergency room to get some stitches. She said she didn't want to do that. She grabbed some hydrogen peroxide and treated her wounds with that.

We went to bed. We started kissing and I began to get aroused. I told her, "It's too bad you're not in the mood right now." She said, "Who says I'm not in the mood?"

And then we made love.

Money is always a problem

During all of the turmoil that was beginning between Kelz and me, I was running out of money. I had to have a serious talk with her. Before she moved in, I told her that she was going to need to get a job and help pay some of the household expenses. This was something she agreed to. I told her that aside from my job, our next infusion of cash was going to come from my income tax refund. And it was only going to be about $150. I reminded her of her promise to find a job once she got settled. That time had arrived. She said she would find a job.

I was hoping she would apply someplace like Hollywood Video, which was just down the street. But she decided she didn't want to do that. Then I told her someplace that would hire her without much previous experience. It was someplace I used to work: Inventory Auditors, Inc. In addition, they paid more than minimum wage. I told her she would just have to go in and talk to them and they would likely hire her right on the spot, just like they did for me.

We went down there and she went inside. I was sitting out in the car and I was wondering what was taking so long. After a couple of hours (which is how long the training took for me), she came out and said they had hired and trained her. I guess they actually began the training right then and there. (I was surprised that she didn't try to come outside and tell me what was going on. In addition, I remember we took a little break in the middle of training. She could have come out then.) I told her I would be able to drive her to all her assignments. She just needed to let me know what time she needed to be there and what time I would need to pick her up after the assignment. I would always be able to accommodate her.

The morning of her first assignment, she told me of something unusual that had happened: Her son in Iowa had died somehow. I came home from work and found her in a fetal position on the bed. I couldn't tell whether or not she was awake, but I decided to leave her alone. I called up and left a message for Inventory Auditors, telling them what had happened. However, they never called her back for another assignment.

But this was the least of the problems at home. Sometimes, she would leave the apartment because she had to meet up with the ex-boyfriend when he demanded it. She swore that she wasn't sleeping with him. One night, she said she had to meet him at the Carls, Jr., which was a couple of blocks away. After about an hour, I just couldn't stand it and I wanted to see this twerp was who was taking Kelz away from me. The plan was for me to just drive by and hope that neither one of them noticed me. However, as I approached the restaurant, Kelz was walking back toward the house alone. She saw me. I stopped and got her to get in the car.

I apologized for coming out to see what was going on. She didn't say anything. I have no idea what was on her mind. Whatever happened, I never got to see the ex-boyfriend.

But what does this have to do with our money problems? After a few days, she didn't mention the ex-boyfriend again. She said she was hanging out with some guy named Brod. She said they doing some "hustling" and this was how she was going to get money. I asked her to explain "hustling." She made it sound like they were acting all homeless and begging on the street. I told her I didn't like her making money that way. "Well, what else am I supposed to do? You don't have any money!" The bad thing about this was that if this was how she was earning revenue, I never saw any of that cash. She never offered anything to go toward the rent, bills or food.

Around this time, I was starting to have trouble with my car. So much trouble that we couldn't drive around and do things like we used to. Even though I was still able to take the bus to work, I still felt useless without my car. I started to feel her liking me a lot less.

I tried to get the car fixed. The garage I frequented said it was going to cost $800 to rebuild one of the parts. They said I might be able to find a part at a junk yard and pay closer to $300. I called around to the junk yards to see if any of them had the part. One of them said they did, but all the good junk yards were in Otay Mesa, which was 20 miles away. In order for me to get the part, I had to rent a car.

I didn't have a credit card, so this meant I had to pay a $200 cash deposit to rent a car for one day. I had to pay for the damage waiver, so I was really paying a lot of money to save $500.

It was nice to have the rental. I was able to drive to work, go to Otay Mesa to pick up the part, take it to the mechanic's and run some more errands. Sensing that I was likely going to need more money in case the part didn't work, I ran to the Barona Casino, hoping that I had a little bit of good luck. No such thing. I lost $150 before I called it quits. I had to return the rental car.

Then, the mechanic called and said that the part was the wrong year and they couldn't get the engine to run for more than 10 seconds after starting. I was going to have to pay the $800 and it was going to take more than a week for them to fix it. I had no choice. I had to resort to calling Mom to get the money to pay for the repairs. She got mad at me because that happened to be the extra money she made working for the New Mexico legislature, but she knew I needed a car, so she did send me a check.

But in the middle of all this, Kelz was still affectionate with me, so it made the situation a lot more bearable. But I could still feel her pulling away from me emotionally.

I had to take measures to fix that.

I attend an NA meeting

One Friday in January 1996, Kelz asked me to drive her to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in Escondido. I took her, expecting to wait outside in the car for about an hour while she attended. I was surprised when we arrived and she asked me to come in. I asked, "Are you sure? I'm under the impression that you're not supposed to go to these things unless you're trying to recover." She said it would be okay. I'm guess that since I already looked like a drug addict with the long hair, I would fit in and no one would know I didn't belong unless I opened my mouth.

At the time, I had one of those detachable sound systems in my car. I pulled it out of the shaft and put it under the seat. Kelz laughed about it because she knew I didn't trust the types of people who went to these meetings. I just hoped that no one going into the meeting saw what I did.

I guess Kelz asked me to attend because she wanted me to see that she was not the only struggling with this problem and I needed to be more sympathetic with her. I know I tried to be as understanding as possible, but I probably said something here and there regarding my impression of drug addicts, especially the ones she claimed had been coming to the apartment.

We went inside. There were probably about a hundred people there. There weren't enough chairs, so several were standing on the sides of the room. A lot of them looked like they didn't want to be there. No one was smiling and there was very little conversation among the attendees.

While we were waiting for it to start, the following thought occurred to me: If I were to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I would find that were probably several people who were in there because they had broken the law and alcohol may have played a factor. It could have been an auto accident, a bar fight or running down the street naked. But there would probably be some people who were in there who hadn't run afoul of the law. Maybe they realized alcohol was tearing their family apart or perhaps there was an intervention to convince the individual to seek help. However, at an NA meeting, every single person who was there for legitimate purposes had broken the law, regardless of whether or not they were arrested.

This was a typical 12-step program and the meeting started with everyone reciting the 12 steps. Instead of voices speaking in unison, like in church, everyone just kind of mumbled it. If they hadn't been posted on a banner at the front of the room, I would have had no idea what the 12 steps were by listening to them.

There was someone who was sort of leading the meeting. He talked about the positive aspects of sobriety. And then it was time for the testimony. A few people spoke about their experiences. I remember there were three people who shared similar stories. They all said that if they wanted to stay clean, they couldn't hang out with their friends anymore. Their friends were still doing drugs and they would be apt to talk them into using again. They felt very vulnerable and very susceptible, but expressed that it was the price they had to pay for being clean and working toward a better life.

When I listened, I got the idea that the undercurrent of these stories was that they hated being clean, they hated that they couldn't see their friends and that they hated that they couldn't make new friends because if they didn't do drugs, they didn't have anything in common with them. It appeared that they were rather fragile and could easily fall back into their old habits if given the opportunity.

No one had any stories about how they got started. I can only assume they began their addictions because of friends. These were probably the same friends they still wanted to see. I know that if I had friends who knowingly led me on a path to self-destruction, I wouldn't want to be friends with them any more.

I was not one to judge. I would never know what they've been through and what they have to do to get better.