The Beneficiary

During the two nights that Sasd was in the hospital, the relationship between me and Kelz entered this weird phase. I wasn't expecting this, but it happened.

The first night, Kelz and I had to go to my apartment to get something. This was just a few hours after Sasd had been admitted. Kelz said, "Hey, I want to f*** right now." "Uh, I don't think this is an appropriate time to be doing something like that." "I don't mind. It'll be okay." I didn't know what to think. I was concerned about Sasd and couldn't wrap my mind around getting laid at this moment. While we didn't have intercourse, I did engage in an activity of a sexual nature and told her that was all I was going to do.

The next night, we were at my apartment again. Kelz said, "Okay, I want to f***. I want us to really f*** and I'm not going to take no for an answer this time!" I reluctantly obliged. Afterwards, I felt bad about doing that, but I couldn't deny that I still desired Kelz, even after all she had put me through.

Up to this point, I'd never heard of the term "Friends with Benefits." In fact, I wouldn't hear the term for almost five more years. But I was familiar with "F*** Buddies." I guess that's what we were doing.

Every once in a while, I would do something with Kelz and Sasd. We'd come back to the apartment. If Sasd fell asleep, we would make love. If she didn't, then we didn't. Sometimes, she would spend the night. She'd just call Mr. & Mrs. B and let them know she wasn't coming back to the house that night.

Honestly, this situation messed me up. It made it hard for me to try to pursue other relationships. I still felt committed to Kelz and responsible for Sasd. I know I abandoned them to get them out of my life, but I guess what I really wanted out of my life was the criminal element she was attracting. And I'm surprised that she still wanted to have anything to do with me, especially after I basically left them for fend for themselves. It astonished me that she still wanted to be intimate, considering how we weren't prior to me moving out. The only thing I felt I could do was go with the flow.

But I have a problem with describing our relationship at this point as "Friend with Benefits" or "F*** Buddies." I had too many emotions involved to use those terms. I'd always maintained that when I made love with a woman, it was because I cared about her and not because I only wanted to satisfy my own urges. However, Kelz managed to bring out that negative aspect in me in ways I couldn't comprehend.

Since then, I haven't had this kind of relationship with a woman.